tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12296539321173825012024-02-19T07:32:26.067-05:00Living with an Invisible DisablityMandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-18745456629642327982012-05-06T22:02:00.000-04:002012-05-06T22:02:01.823-04:00I have a new blog everyone. Come find me on What comes next! I have also changed my display name from Lady Amanda to Manda. Come say hi!Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-9351089088160630622011-05-03T16:35:00.002-04:002011-05-03T17:03:02.990-04:00"The past can not hold me. I am free to live in the present with joy and gratitude.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw5g7rGU6BF9CBd0xaOJti9fZuS7LILg_q3yZk5KD9-_VA4uPw6SKU5beGAMng2lcydauqP3ZTBXk3kVDi3N0pVDpgGPiny3ACTI2Hykk0AvUs0OQBE7TMz9p4AWETeBOdE0gtWLNJgrc/s1600/mystical-rose1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5602598255472111042" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 147px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw5g7rGU6BF9CBd0xaOJti9fZuS7LILg_q3yZk5KD9-_VA4uPw6SKU5beGAMng2lcydauqP3ZTBXk3kVDi3N0pVDpgGPiny3ACTI2Hykk0AvUs0OQBE7TMz9p4AWETeBOdE0gtWLNJgrc/s200/mystical-rose1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000099;">My goodness I been gone an awfully long time. I hope you all still want to read what Lady Amanda has to say! I been physically sick for a while and then mentally sick. No hospital stays, though. And during Lent I was saying a lot of prayers. I hope to getting back to updating this weekly.<br /><br />Well, the past can not hold me. I am free to live in the present with joy and gratitude. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. However, with ever friendship I have or relationship, I keeping thinking about the past. The worst is my roommate’s friends moved in next door! It really shouldn’t be a big deal, but one of my roommate’s friends (now living next door to us) is my old roommate. Or as I like to call her, my roommate from hell! I was worried she would be over here all the time and I would feel uncomfortable, but she hardly comes over here at all! I feel bad for Karen (my roommate now). Karen says Amber (my roommate from hell) doesn’t come over because she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. Well, I remember having boyfriends and I still my time for my gal pals! Five minutes just to drop by would be kosher.<br /><br />Now the problem over my head, since we move in January, Karen and I have been watching two and half men ever night (Monday through Friday) at six. All the sudden she doesn’t want to watch two and a half men. She told me that she’s nervous trying to get home at the time. But you know what she does? Most of the time she’s here! It’s just weird. I keep thinking in head back to when I was in college and my roommate in college found another friend. They would do everything together and leave me out. Now I have no contact with my roommate from college. Now that’s really kind of unfair to compare Karen with my roommate from college. My roommate from college even said to me on the phone before we even met, “Is it cool with you if we hang out because I don’t know anybody else. At least until we make other friends?” Now Karen already had friends when I become her roommate so she never hung out with me just because there was no else. Also many of our mutual friends that I had with my roommate from college said that she couldn’t handle my mental illness. Karen has a major mental illness like me. So when she says about being nervous it could really be true. I wouldn’t want her to have a panic attack or something just to watch a show with me. Also I think she’s a little down because Amber doesn’t come over.<br /><br />Also I question my best friend Chrissy. I worry all the time when she is going to get tired of me. And I worry that I can’t be friends a guy. My therapist wants me to work on making guy friends. You see, I told you all I was bisexual, but I compartmentalize the two sexes. Men are for physical love and woman are for emotional love, in my head anyway! So my therapist wants me to just have guy friends and realize guys can be emotional too. It’s kind of scary to me. I want to be friends with this guy in my group therapy. However, I feel like if I ask him for his phone number, he will think I am asking him out.<br /><br />I don’t know if we ever really escape our past. But we must make the wounds turn into scars. Wounds hurt like hell when you touch them! Scars are just a reminder to be careful! </span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-84603459102998578862011-02-25T21:20:00.004-05:002011-02-25T22:01:23.051-05:00Ask and it shall be given on to you!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB0A9-TeVIiARianbtBdrWdi_PGtOCjUfAu5fI-qcvZM-nQk4eYA_yZd212aErdSuOZBYUejHgOQbmed0287a1sebP2yTPVJuxfDvKF2PyXU2LyQnc8PX37pDuXulSNz_VnuqcgknUoMk/s1600/008.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577827703672899474" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 149px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB0A9-TeVIiARianbtBdrWdi_PGtOCjUfAu5fI-qcvZM-nQk4eYA_yZd212aErdSuOZBYUejHgOQbmed0287a1sebP2yTPVJuxfDvKF2PyXU2LyQnc8PX37pDuXulSNz_VnuqcgknUoMk/s200/008.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">Jesus always said, “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” I never fully understood this. I would just pray to Jesus and say this, this, and this is what I want. Looking back now this seems really stupid! I mean God is God, you don’t demand things. Of course Peter says, “When I was a child, I thought as a child.” So Jesus answered anyway. However, I read this wonderful commentary by Father Rohr. If you wish to receive his daily commentaries in your e – mail box, let me know and I will post his website.<br /><br />Anyway, Father Rohr said you have to ASK Jesus. He used the example of St. Francis of Assisi (which by way I took his name for my confirmation) that he would go out and pray, “God who I am?” and “God who are you?” That set off a light bulb in my head! Ever since my Mom told me that she prayed for a guy to truly love her and then three years later married my Dad, I prayed with a laundry list of things I wanted in my perfect partner! I think it grew each year. How stupid. God doesn’t need to be told who my perfect mate would be! He is the Alpha and Omega, He doesn’t need me to tell Him what I need in a guy. So I changed my prayer to “God tell me who the perfect guy for me will be and bring him into my life when you feel is right. Guide me Jesus in this journey.”<br /><br />It’s weird because I have been having dreams for a like a week now almost every night about having a boyfriend. The way the guy looks is not really important in the dream and I know it’s not important to me. My first love, Trevor, taught me that. Even when I was in love with Trevor, I will admit he wasn’t the best looking, but he was the best boyfriend I have ever had so far. Anyway, I am going off on tangent. I dream of qualities that I would like in a guy. I don’t necessarily believe that dreams are messages from God. I however, think He uses our subconscious to speak to us because our subconscious is our soul and our soul is the temple of the Holy Spirit. So this is what I came with so far God doesn’t want me to settle. Which is probably a good thing for a thirty – one year old virgin, don’t want to waste it on someone who isn’t going to appreciate it. Also I think God wants me to find someone funny, sweet, understanding, caring, a good listener, and protective. It’s just fun having the dreams.<br /><br />You know what my roommate says? She says everyone has someone out there for them; it’s just a matter of when you find them! I think that is so profound. I don’t know if there is someone out there for me honestly, but I have learned I am not going to demand my God anymore. My ultimate love will always be my God and I wouldn’t want to ruin that. I don’t know what Heaven like, but I have caught glimpse of it here on earth. And to me, if Heaven is only a fraction of those glimpses I would be happy. </span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-89129066444167002292011-02-16T17:19:00.003-05:002011-02-16T17:38:13.205-05:00A birthday poem<span style="color:#cc0000;">Hello my avid reader. Next Sunday is my roommate's birthday and I wrote her this poem. Tell me what you think!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff9900;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff9900;">My roommate<br />By Amanda Robin<br /><br />My roommate showed just how big<br />Her heart is when I first<br />Moved in.<br />She gave me the bigger<br />Of the two bedrooms<br />And the deeper dresser.<br /><br />My roommate showed just how caring<br />In her soul she is<br />When she worried<br />All night<br />Because I didn’t tell<br />Her that I was not coming home<br />Until eleven – thirty at night.<br /><br />My roommate showed just how friendly<br />Her personality is<br />When she made me feel<br />Welcome talking with her guest<br />In our cozy living room.<br /><br />My roommate showed just how forgiving<br />Her spirit is<br />When she didn’t mind if<br />I drank her milk or ruined<br />Her pretty towel.<br /><br />My roommate showed just how special<br />she has become<br />because she is now</span><br /><span style="color:#ff9900;">My friend.</span>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-77983338714164444812011-02-05T22:39:00.002-05:002011-02-05T23:15:37.211-05:00I hope I am not just ranting<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_O0jY1zdZHLZf6CieT8zrIkg250eWJxMKr9_76TC2XQEjSr_cGLaro1_e1Qtno0IumxmZ4tnk7qAdR7gslN8De9YGn20sFDGV0cFcr2GPA7RPJiU7p1QwSVRJ4-2svYSOXt2pYU-PrmA/s1600/219.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5570425351656676370" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_O0jY1zdZHLZf6CieT8zrIkg250eWJxMKr9_76TC2XQEjSr_cGLaro1_e1Qtno0IumxmZ4tnk7qAdR7gslN8De9YGn20sFDGV0cFcr2GPA7RPJiU7p1QwSVRJ4-2svYSOXt2pYU-PrmA/s200/219.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#3333ff;">Well, I know I haven’t updated my blog recently. A lot of good things happened in my life. Karen and I are becoming good friends, must of the time we watch “Two and Half Men” together and then talk. I had a little difficulty with getting clearance from Health Service of the Hospital that I am going to volunteer with. Nothing about my mental illness, I was honest with everyone at the Hospital that I have a mental illness and that I am very stable. It had to do with my MMR vaccine. That’s all straightened now and I am going to Orientation for my volunteer position this Monday. And I am just connecting with a lot of people.<br /><br />Anyway, something happened today. I want to share it all with you. I hope this doesn’t come out as a rant. If I babble on you don’t have to read it. My best friend picked me up today to go to her house and have pizza and watch her DVD collection of the “O.C.” It was snowing, but wasn’t too bad. Chrissy was still a little scared so she asked if my parents could pick me up from her house and take me to my apartment when it was time for me to go. Well, my Mom was a little upset, but she said my Dad would do it. Then my Mom called and she told me the weather was really bad and I should call my apartment program and tell them I am sleeping over at Chrissy. Well, first off it isn’t past my thirty days when I am allowed to have someone sleep over my house or me to sleep somewhere other than my apartment. Second, I am supposed to tell my primary apartment counselor two – four hours in advanced if I am going to sleep over somewhere. Third, my Dad didn’t think it was that bad outside. And Fourth, I didn’t feel it was that bad outside. I am sure if it really was that bad outside my apartment program would let me sleep over at my friend Chrissy house and I would have no problem asking them.<br /><br />So anyway, my Dad said that he would pick me up. After he left, my Mom called Chrissy's house and was yelling and screaming at me. She said how I do expect a sixty year old man to drive in this weather. My Mom told me that if anything happened to my Dad it was all on me. Then she brought up an incident that happened when I was a freshman in college home on break and was starting to get sick. It's like nothing is ever forgiven with my Mom. My Mom rattled me up so much and I didn’t want to upset Chrissy so I just listened until she hung up.<br /><br />When I was in the car with my Dad, I lost it. I was just crying and crying. My Dad was so nice. He kept reassuring me that it was alright. That the roads weren’t that bad and that my Dad is responsible for himself. My Dad told me that if he got out on the road and thought it wasn’t safe, he would have called me and told me that he couldn’t pick me up.<br /><br />I just feel like everyone in the whole world knows that I am a good and decent person except my Mom. When she yells at me like that I feel like I am this evil person that only thinks of herself. I mean it is true that I didn’t want to sleep over at Chrissy and I didn’t want to face the apartment program’s question about why I wanted to sleep over. However, honestly if I thought something terrible would happen to my Dad, I would have slept over at Chrissy. I just feel so low right now!</span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-58154665076882912452011-01-20T13:35:00.002-05:002011-01-20T14:01:45.051-05:00While here I am on my own, now what?<strong><span style="color:#000066;">Hello my blog buddies. I now live in my own apartment. It is an apartment program for people living with a mental illness. I have a lot of freedom, though, because I am at "higher level." One more step and I be at the "highest level" with the least amount of supervision. So now I wonder what now? I mean I moved in Friday, January seventh, and everything was new and exciting. I just loved it. Now I am sitting here wondering, "How in the heck do I go about being responsible for myself." It is true that because I am in the apartment program, I have an apartment counselor in which is responsible for counting my meds once a week (to make sure I am taking them), for making sure I clean my apartment, and I have to clear all overnights with her (so they know I am in the apartment more than I am out). Also I am assigned a roommate. My roommate, Karen, is the best roommate I have ever had so far! I am even taking her to my birthday dinner with my family this weekend. However, the really important decision like getting enough sleep, should I go walking in the snow, should I go to my scheduled group, etc. are left up to me. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000066;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000066;">Now I am going to be thirty - one on Friday, but I just never not had someone to ask if I should go back to bed or go do my activities that need to be done. I never had it where nobody was there to make sure I ate or make sure I didn't eat too much. I always had someone to drive me around. You think when I lived on campus in my early twenties I would have had this experience, but my roommate in college was a very dominate woman who looked over me like a hawk and my co - dependent mind would allow her to do. I mean the roommate I have now likes to know what time I am going to be home, but the rest is up to me! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000066;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000066;">I think I am always scared when I realize I am growing up. I mean because that's what I am doing. At some point in everyone's life, they have to learn to take care of themselves. I know some really unfortunate people that had to learn that way to early and other people that never learned too. First, I feel blessed that my family had it together enough to watch out for me. Second, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to try become independent while I am still young. I may have been a lot more messed up than I was if the first happened. And second, my parents would have me live with them forever so I thank God for the courage to step up and say this is something I want to do! I mean if I waited another ten years my parents may not have all their facilities because they would be in their seventies or worse they may have left this earth. When something is forced upon, something as big as living on ones own, it can be very damaging as well and I beat a lot more scary!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000066;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000066;">I had e - mailed some of my friends last night describing how I felt scared about living on my own and deciding things for myself and my best friend from high school e - mailed me back in about two hours! Celia, my friend, said that I will get used to living on my own. I really hope that's true because I really do like living on my own and having freedom! It's just sometimes I wonder, "When is this going to be over so I can go back and live with my parents?" And I can't think like that because one day this world will live me without any parents and the only way to join them would be in heaven. However, my friend, Celia, saying I will get used it means it's not just a mental health issue. Celia is perfectly healthy and she said it took an adjustment for her as well. My therapist said that it is a big step. So I think everyone feels this way when they decide to grow up and be responsible for themselves! I know some people don't get to decide and I feel bad for those people and thank God that I am not one of them. So just pray for me as I adjust! Love you all my blogging buddies.</span></strong>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-41750979893270679252011-01-12T21:15:00.002-05:002011-01-12T21:19:32.725-05:00New me<strong><span style="color:#993399;">New me</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">by Amanda Robin</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New me,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New year,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New hair,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New living space,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New friends,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New bed,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New zip,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New mode of transportation,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">New life!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">I am still me?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Same heart,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Same head,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;">Same soul.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#993399;"></span></strong>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-62781507563425206462011-01-04T23:25:00.002-05:002011-01-04T23:59:01.350-05:00Becoming a Strong, Caring, Indepedent, Christian Woman<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAhqFaQq_HeJTwhyphenhyphenHA5q9hweFoOXKJAH4f-8Xx5KQnR-A6CQ_d-Nyefm60HFDmigD_zH6HC_GRlbfJoBqJGFGqiqlbvgohnAfQGTLhhgx9vSV12hvqIvXdeljIG_Vnea5Yjm5nKrsIwg4/s1600/Forest.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558561687934628642" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAhqFaQq_HeJTwhyphenhyphenHA5q9hweFoOXKJAH4f-8Xx5KQnR-A6CQ_d-Nyefm60HFDmigD_zH6HC_GRlbfJoBqJGFGqiqlbvgohnAfQGTLhhgx9vSV12hvqIvXdeljIG_Vnea5Yjm5nKrsIwg4/s200/Forest.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#003300;">Well everyone, I was supposed to move into my new apartment today. I was waiting all day yesterday and this morning because the apartment director said she needed a paper signed by a doctor at the clinic I go to. Well, several of my friends said I should page the doctor, it was defiantly an emergency. When the apartment director called today in the morning and said I couldn’t move in that she would call me when she got the paper, I thought let her handle it. However, later I thought about what my friends said. I didn’t page the doctor because they are so absent minded. I called my therapist so she could get to the bottom of it. My therapist did and said the paper will be at the apartment program by tomorrow. Now everyone pray that the apartment director will call me tomorrow and say I can move in Friday. I know I waited four years to get out of my parents house I can wait a little more.<br /><br />Now the topic: becoming a strong, caring, independent, Christian woman. That is my New Year’s resolution for as long as take. It may take a life time. I didn’t expect Jesus to test me on my strength so soon. I heard it once said be careful what you pray for because if you pray for something like being strong, God will give you situation in which to be strong. Well, my Mom was getting on me all day that she doesn’t have enough money and I should ask the apartment counselor if my parents can have some of my social security money because I will be here at least a week.<br /><br />Now what happened is I got my social security on the thirtieth of December and I was going to save it to pay my program fees for the apartment program I am moving into. However, my parents didn’t figure on the rent they weren’t going to get this month because I wouldn’t be here. I said they can borrow the money and I would pay my apartment program fees this Friday. Well, they went through it like water and racked up over two hundred dollars in what they owe me. Now they are saying they can’t pay me back and that they should get more money. I probably picked the wrong time, but I told them I have to pay my credit card bill and I didn’t know how I was going to it while we were in the grocery store. And it became a big fight. It ended up with them leaving me there and coming back to pick me up later. It was so lonely at the grocery by myself I felt alone. I should never feel alone. God is always with me. I guess I just need another human to care and understand.<br /><br />Well, my parents said they are going to pay me back and I said that if they don’t charge me program fees for this first week, I am going to keep it because along with the credit card bill, I have other stuff that I need. I haven’t bought anything for myself since my December first social security check (I usually get my social security check on the first of every month, but this month December thirty – first and January first were holidays so they gave it to me early). Am I selfish?<br /><br />I really missed the blogging world. I was just so busy with Christmas and then I had a sinus infection. I promise to try to stay on top of my blogging. Right now I just feel so alone. I need some love. Pray that God will send someone into my life to share it with. I need a companion. Someone to understand, a soul mate or a least a kindred spirit. I need some love from my blogging buddies.<br /></span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-40338970835123390092010-12-17T23:13:00.002-05:002010-12-17T23:52:17.080-05:00New Moves for Lady Amanda<strong><span style="color:#990000;">Well, everyone I been quite busy over the last couple of weeks. Mostly with Christmas things, you know buying presents, sending out Christmas cards, and I even went to a Advent Penance service to clear my slate. Well, Christ came to make the world anew! My world is defiantly coming around to being anew. On January 3rd my Mom is getting back surgery and the next day, January 4th, I am moving into my own apartment. It won’t be totally my own because I will share it with a roommate. Her name is Karen and I remember her as being a quite, docile, and kind person when I was with her in Friendship House. Friendship House is a day treatment facility for the mentally ill. So I guess another thing I know about her is that she takes care of her illness!<br /><br />I wrote before about how I am worried about so many things involving my apartment. However, I realized in Stress Management Group, my life will be a whole lot worse if I remain where I am. I can face the challenges of living on my own because it is healthy and gives me stability to do so. Another thing, is this guy I totally have a crush on in Stress Management Group (not the one I wrote about before, boy I am using that group to pick up guys), while he said I am taking a huge step. I didn’t realize it was a huge step. I guess I just thought it was normal for a thirty year old to move out on her own, no problem. However, it opened my eyes to realize it doesn’t matter how old you are, to go from the safe and predictable environment of my parents’ home out into the real world is scary. It is defiantly something that takes adjusting. It will take a while and you will all come on the journey because you know I am going to write about it!<br /><br />It seems everything is set up. My apartment, my roommate, my Uncle helping me move, and even the telephone service is being set up. One problem, I don’t have is my day program set up! What I would like to do is volunteer at the hospital that is a fifteen minute walk from my apartment. I put in the application ten days ago and called the volunteer director twice to check up on it. The director seemed very nice and seemed to think she would call me for an interview as soon as her co – worker looked over the application. However, I am scared. The days to when I move in are not that long and I don’t want to be sitting all day in my apartment with nothing to do. Why does it frighten me so much? Do I really think they will find something in my application that they won’t give me the position because of? I think it frightens me so much because they are taking so long. I am not a very patient person. I ask God to give me patience, but sometime people say to be careful for what you pray for. Sometimes God gives more patience by giving one trials in which one needs to be patience in! My parents said why wouldn’t the hospital take me and I just read an e – mail from my friend Amber (who also has blog on this site) who said basically the same thing. It made me realize maybe it takes so long because maybe they are deciding where to place me and set everything up. I just have to be PATIENT. And my Deacon friend couple back in Chicago said in an e – mail, “God will bless me with it, if it is what is right for me.” So I am thinking if God doesn’t allow it then he’s got something better!<br /><br />I have to focus now on packing for my new apartment. So while I wait patiently for an answer from the Hospital, I can concentrate on getting my stuff together. Also I need to do some shopping because there are more necessary things that I need for my apartment. God is so good; he had my Uncles give me awesome gift cards for me to stock up on things for the apartment. God always takes care of me and I have to remember that. He has a bigger plan. And speaking of that, I have to remember His birth. I can’t forget to get caught up in the Holiness of Christmas. Well, please all send good thoughts and prayers during this anew period of my life.</span></strong>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-83182728060685683912010-12-03T18:57:00.002-05:002010-12-03T19:01:16.366-05:00A Christmas present<span style="color:#003300;">This is a poem, I written for my therapist for her Christmas present. I wanted to share it with all of you!</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#660000;">Have you ever had someone<br />You could tell all your secrets to?<br />By Amanda Robin<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#003300;">Have you ever had someone<br />You could tell all your secrets to?<br />I haven’t always,<br />Which seems deathly<br />Strange<br />Considering the fact<br />That I have been<br />In therapy<br />Longer than one<br />Wishes to think about.<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#660000;">Have you ever had someone<br />You could tell all your secrets to?<br />Four years ago<br />Which flew by like leaves<br />Blowing in the wind,<br />Coming straight out<br />Of a safe secure hole<br />Of a day treatment facility,<br />I meet the most wonderful<br />Therapist I think<br />I will ever met.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#003300;">Have you ever had someone<br />You could tell all your secrets to?<br />This therapist taught me<br />A lot in those four years.<br />She taught me to trust<br />Woman again.<br />She taught me to trust<br />Myself again.<br />And she taught me<br />How to trust God.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#660000;">Have you every had someone<br />You could tell all your secrets to?<br />I have!<br />And I will treasure<br />Her longer than<br />She will grace this<br />Green, wonderful, exciting world<br />She taught me to enjoy!</span><br /><span style="color:#660000;"></span>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-22827557481753250662010-11-24T17:47:00.002-05:002010-11-24T17:54:22.719-05:00Life is changing for the better for me! Scary<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYb_cITqvS5ba93LlC5LOppORVuUXZdJUXEA-0slbkQY7JfOE1NPSl9upAgSESJngLd7H-BXRl4xu-mZMfcKwOR8EfOmI9yt1E7GR44LncM38ewgx_vmvn1UZVmRwqhl12zltuJrvqrZc/s1600/007.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543253334186495826" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 304px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 212px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYb_cITqvS5ba93LlC5LOppORVuUXZdJUXEA-0slbkQY7JfOE1NPSl9upAgSESJngLd7H-BXRl4xu-mZMfcKwOR8EfOmI9yt1E7GR44LncM38ewgx_vmvn1UZVmRwqhl12zltuJrvqrZc/s320/007.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Life is changing for the better for me and I have to admit, I feel a little scared. Sometimes it’s easier to face the demons of our present situation than to move into the beautifulness of a better life. Well, you may have guessed my apartment in take went well. Yes, my Mom went with and did get excited at certain points. However, she even told me that I handled myself with maturity. I went out of that meeting feeling really good and my Mom wasn’t upset when she left. My Mom did make the comment about the fact that I told the apartment director I won’t be going home as much as did last time, saying that she only saw her parents twice a year when she became a Navy wife at twenty. That was a little extreme and I reminded her I can sleep at their house once a month. You see last time I was in the same apartment program I was going to my parents’ home every weekend. That is just not healthy because I am supposed to have friends (which I have now) and I need to do stuff with them on the weekends too!<br /><br />It’s just all so scary for me. I keep thinking these weird thoughts like what if my roommate has digital cable hooked up in our living room and aspects me to pay half of it. Now I do want cable, but I don’t need four hundred channels. I am also worried if she has high speed internet hooked to the cable and wants me to go wireless on my computer. I am planning to get dial up when I move because I need to able to afford everything. I worry if I will want to use the computer when she wants to use the phone. I also worry about what if I want to use the phone when she wants to use it. However, looking at it and writing it down it all seems so silly. These are really minor things that I don’t think will happen. Maybe the part about me wanting to use the phone when she does, but everyone has that problem when they live with other people in a dwelling. I know that happens here at my parents’ house so what’s the difference? Also all of these things can be easily solved like the digital cable thing; I could get regular cable in my room and just chill there. And which is really stupid anyway because I really don’t watch that much T.V. The reason I am leaving my parents home is a more serious problem. I can’t handle the emotionally draining fights with my mother. There are only two solutions to that problem. I can move out or I can go to therapy with her! And being that I am going to turn thirty – one on the twenty – first of January, I would rather move out. Don’t get me wrong I will still work on my relationship with my Mom, but it will be easier if sometimes I can say, “O.K., Mom I am going to my apartment to let us both cool down!” I do totally believe that relationships in your family sort of influence they way you react in other relationships. However, realizing when someone is toxic is also valuable.<br /><br />I am also a little nervous because I am going to start my volunteer work at the hospital. This is my dream. I did go eight years to get a four year degree in Literature, but to work a full time job in that field (being a teacher) is just too stressful for my mental illness. I could work part time somewhere, but by me going to college that long I built up a debit big enough that if I worked a part – time job I would be paying it off for the rest of my life. Anyway, I have a lawyer (who’s an Episcopalian priest) who took my case pro – bono (I don’t have to pay him anything) and proved to the government I can’t pay my loans because I can’t work. So my chosen profession is volunteer work. I do get government benefits so it’s not like I am going to be homeless (but obviously now you know why I can’t have digital cable). Anyway, my dream is to volunteer in the ER at the hospital I go to. I would help patients by getting them blankets and such. I also found out I would help the ER staff with clerical work. Now the scary part! The hospital said they have openings. I even have an application. I don’t know what there going to say about me waiting until January to start, but it looks like I will actually be able to do my dream! That’s scary to me. The biggest thing for me, is what if I do this and fail? What then? However, we can always have new dreams and ideas and I think if I was eighty years old, never having followed my dream, I would be more upset with myself than if I tried and failed.<br /><br />Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me! My new life is starting and I have all these little worries. Although, failing at my dream is not a little worry. However, sometimes you have to experience something in order to know if it's what you want.</span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-64339788862702775522010-11-17T17:50:00.002-05:002010-11-17T18:37:28.217-05:00Where am I going to be?<strong><span style="color:#000066;">Hello, everyone. For my avid followers and those that occasionally stop by I would to ask for forgiveness for my absence from the blog world. I just didn’t feel like blogging. I’ve been sleeping a lot. First it was because my thyroid levels were off and it was making me sleepy. Then I got into this pattern of sleeping away my day. This brings me to my topic. I am going to be moving out of my parents’ house so I will have way more to do and I won’t be sleeping my day away.<br /><br />It started because I had a fight with my Mom over getting something to drink out of the kitchen. She thought I had wanted water, juice, or milk and didn’t want me to have any of those. I was trying to explain to her I wanted the soda. Her reasons were the water was still filtering and there wasn’t much juice or milk. However, my therapist says I shouldn’t have to ask for food. I give all my food stamps which pays for two out of four weeks of groceries and there is three of us in the household so I pay more than my share of the food. To me, it freaked me out because after we started yelling, I sat on the kitchen floor crying. My therapist and psychiatrist just said that I had a strong reaction to my Mom’s reaction. However, I have noticed a pattern that my symptoms, about eighty percent of the time, are triggered by fights with my Mom that are often useless. <br /><br />Well, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I had been waiting for an apartment in the highest level of a program for my county of New York State that teaches mentally ill people how to live on their own. The highest level is for the most functioning, can take care of themselves people! It’s the permanent step and for this reason has a very long waiting list. I was at the bottom level of the apartment program from 2005 – 2006 and felt I was being too supervised. Well, there is an in between level, lower than what I have been waiting for, but higher than what I was in. I have chosen to sign up for this level and wait for the higher one there because I can’t wait at my parents’ home any longer.<br /><br />I will have a regular apartment, whereas the lowest level I lived in a building that this program owned. All the apartments where together and it had an office where I had to go and they watched me take my pills. I also had to check in with them as to my whereabouts during the day. Also they would come into my apartment tell me what needed to be cleaned. The level I signed up for, it much similar to HUD in which the progam would make a deal with landlord that they pay my rent. So no one would know, it would just be a regular apartment. I take my pills on my own, I go where I want, and I clean when I want. However, I will still have an apartment counselor come once a week and count my pills (which they don’t do at the highest level). At all levels the apartment counselor will do therapy on living on ones for an hour and at the same time be in the apartment so if it is overly messing she will say something. The other difference between the highest and this level is I will have a roommate which in the highest level I would have a very own, by myself. I will still get into the highest level as soon as it’s available, but it could be another year or more. This middle level has openings as it is temporary because the point is to get to the highest level. Some people go from this middle level straight to HUD, I will decide later if that’s what I want to do.<br /><br />The reason it will give me more freedom is because I will be in the larger town. I told my Grandma Flossie for those of us living outside of New York City, in New York State, it seems like its own city. However, growing up in Chicago I know it’s not a real big city it just seems that way. Anyway, there is more stuff I can walk to because I don’t have a car right now. Most important is I can start my volunteer work. I want to work in the hospital ER. At the hospital near my home, which will actually be in the same town as my apartment and in very close walking distance, there are many volunteer positions. However, because of my many medical problems I would like to give back to the ER. What I would do is visit patients in their room ask them if I could get them stuff like an extra blanket or water. I would also ask their families (if they had them there) if they would like soda, food, extra chairs to sit, etc. I am planning to do this three days a week so no more sleeping all day! Also I could walk to things like my doctors, group therapies, grocery store, library (which is about four times bigger than the one that’s near my parents’ home), some neat restaurants, and the pharmacy. So you I wouldn’t be trapped in my home all day.<br /><br />I am really looking forward to this move. I can deal with people counting my pills once a week because I always take my pills and I have many people praying I will get a Christian roommate. And eventually, I will move to the top of the list of the highest level of the apartment program. Tomorrow I have an in take appointment for the middle level. I am very nervous because my Mom’s going to come with me. I don’t know what’s going to happen with her there. Pray for me everyone. And I am back to the blogging world. Yea!</span></strong>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-86277008236486547822010-10-24T00:10:00.003-04:002010-10-24T00:26:46.346-04:00You confuse me<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVCC7bJGrT2y3HRNpRCXGd4F7kZPjV8gnljqeuMEIebE4CCW-Nkilt_nZ3RDwvDv8qgd3rmY24MoXFzyxT1I-PR_EKaRGIYEV2azy_3ACFoS3-EbPdd7drV573UxfFGLVCiEHJg365grs/s1600/112.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5531463313301718946" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 213px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVCC7bJGrT2y3HRNpRCXGd4F7kZPjV8gnljqeuMEIebE4CCW-Nkilt_nZ3RDwvDv8qgd3rmY24MoXFzyxT1I-PR_EKaRGIYEV2azy_3ACFoS3-EbPdd7drV573UxfFGLVCiEHJg365grs/s400/112.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#006600;">You confuse me<br />By Amanda Robin<br /><br />You are beautiful,<br />Smart,<br />Non – smoker,<br />Take care of yourself,<br />And are very sweet.<br />This is why I like you.<br /><br />You have periods where<br />You don’t want to talk<br />And that hits me<br />Like a thousand tiny<br />Knifes<br /><br />You are secretive<br />Like a ghost<br />In the night<br />About whether<br />You have a girlfriend.<br /><br />I wait for you e- mails<br />Like in those<br />Old movies where<br />The girl is waiting<br />By the phone.<br /><br />However, you are<br />My friend.<br />Maybe you will<br />Become more one day.<br /><br />I will see if there<br />Are more things<br />To like about you.<br />I'll make sure I know<br />You inside and out<br />Before I give you<br />My Heart.<br />I fear, though,<br />You may already<br />Have it.</span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-61333124528963337222010-10-13T00:17:00.003-04:002010-10-13T01:00:50.105-04:00What happens when I am not fat?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1-D-yEVh4GiHjSx4O4eMiwECBxKyW555IOeKTfi5_G-NWRaulPgz451TzpC8-NNmGEbQlzCSSZ0qdTfErsGh2aTsgUgQ-k-QTG50xtISzAiP32vsvHZ55o0dYVkenJH8UHhTbGAc4QT0/s1600/Dock.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5527389830254615042" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1-D-yEVh4GiHjSx4O4eMiwECBxKyW555IOeKTfi5_G-NWRaulPgz451TzpC8-NNmGEbQlzCSSZ0qdTfErsGh2aTsgUgQ-k-QTG50xtISzAiP32vsvHZ55o0dYVkenJH8UHhTbGAc4QT0/s200/Dock.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#663366;">O.k. maybe I didn’t choose myself. The guy in my Stress Management was just too cute. Since my last blog, I had decided to get his e- mail address because in group he talked about how he liked to use the computer. I thought two things: it’s not his phone number so it won’t be like admitting I like him so it's less risky and two it’s not his phone number so it’s not like totally going against my therapist because again it’s not like saying I like him. Well, I was so nervous the day before. However, I went to Yoga and that really calmed me down! Yoga is wonderful. I am getting side tracked so I ask him right! And he gave it to me. After my hands shook as I gave him the paper and dropped the pen I was handing to him to write it down. Anyway, I wrote him two days later and he wrote back the next day. So I am all excited and I wait a day to e – mail him. Well, five days later no response. You know what I do? I e – mail him again to ask him if he got my e – mail. Nothing for over week! Today I go to group, no words exchanged. The simple answer is in my second e – mail to him I asked him if he had a girlfriend. Maybe that was just as risky as asking for his phone number. Well, you know what? I keep thinking in my head, “What if he does want to encourage me because I am still over weight?’ Which by the way, I weighed myself at the clinic today because a wise person told me you should always use the same scale and I lost two pounds in two weeks!<br /><br />Now everybody is either saying, “Amanda, that might not be the reason.” Or if you agree with me, “What a jerk?” Well, here comes my question. “What happens when I am not fat?” I mean eventually I will get to my goal weight, right? And I plan to stay there! What if I don’t find anyone until then, will I ever know if the person would like me if I was fat? I have been the fat girl now for eight years! I know what it’s like. Also there are not that many medicines for schizophrenia that don’t cause weight gain. What if something went wrong and I needed to be put back on a med with a side effect of weight gain. I mean yeah, I still work out and eat good, but what if I can’t maintain a healthy weight. I was over at my friend’s house watching “Fat like Me.” And the main character, after posing as a fat girl, asked her boyfriend, “What if I was fat, would you still like me?” He said, “You and I are athletes. We like being physically fit that’s just who we are!” So I say the real jerk will be the one who likes me when I am skinny.<br /><br />Now I want to say something here. Most of the men I have been attracted to have been skinny. That’s just what my psychical body wants. Maybe that’s the way the kind of men I am attracted to feel about their women. However, I learned a very valuable lesson when I was just nineteen years old. I meet a guy first weekend at college before classes even started. He was the sweetest and gentlest guy I’ve ever known (maybe besides my Dad). I ate lunch every Friday with him for about three months. I had pledged a sorority and while I was still a pledge we had our first formal in December of 1998. I had to ask someone so I asked this sweet and gentle guy. NO, he wasn’t fat. However, to me he was not psychically attractive. He just didn’t look hot. But you know what? He became my first serious boyfriend. He was the first boy I ever frenched kissed and the first person to ever see me totally naked besides family members. And at nineteen I fell in love with him. Even when I was in love with him I would admit to my friends he looked ugly to me, but I loved him for who he was and how he treated me. There is still a nineteen year old girl inside of me that loves that nineteen year old boy. If we meet today, the two thirty year olds would have to get to know each other before we could start anything. So no, if I meet him today I wouldn’t be in love with him. But I think that holds my answer in it. I will date a couple of guys over the next few years and have crushes on a few more that I probably won’t ever date. But in the end I will find someone who loves me. Not Amanda skinny or Amanda fat. Not Amanda with the high check bones. Not Amanda with the fair skin and dish water blonde hair. No someone who loves Amanda the funny, sexy, understanding, smart, and, as my best friend puts it, sweetheart. Now maybe that will never happen, but I feel it will. I believe that if you believe it’s possible it will happen. And if it doesn’t, I am not going to marry someone who just likes me because I am skinny! </span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-5537654875347398432010-09-21T23:56:00.002-04:002010-09-22T00:30:45.321-04:00I choose me, is it the right decision?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDK_piQxVoNDSsy-XrQQpLSL9kk3ydY0wMLsBIKbwFKmi2NLXCRTuY177KfcRQCHJAeUPtxL5fWmrwbR-JWbyKhKaORYjgkeTwjLB34NG4F0QdcgCvFw1mGiA3Q0DgkTpL4DozsJQH0sU/s1600/Autumn+Leaves.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5519590518157376018" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDK_piQxVoNDSsy-XrQQpLSL9kk3ydY0wMLsBIKbwFKmi2NLXCRTuY177KfcRQCHJAeUPtxL5fWmrwbR-JWbyKhKaORYjgkeTwjLB34NG4F0QdcgCvFw1mGiA3Q0DgkTpL4DozsJQH0sU/s200/Autumn+Leaves.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#000066;"><strong>Well, I choose me. I don’t know if you all got that from my poem. My poetry is not always about me, but that last post was about me. I have always been obsessed about love. I can remember being thirteen and thinkging a young boy in my Sunday school class was the only one for me. It continued for as long as I can remember. I mean that should have taught me something, there must have been at least ten people in my life already that I thought were the only ones for me. God keeps placing people in my life. And you know what I do? Instead of getting to know them, I jump off the deep end and start fantasizing! The qualities I want in a person just seem to magically appear in this person. When, if I actually listened to them or really got to know them without thinking about what my wedding dress was going to look like, I would realize I was just seeing what I wanted to see.<br /><br />So there is this guy in my Stress Management Group. It’s a group therapy, I attend on Tuesday evening. And I would feel all flustered and make little plans to talk to him after wards. And I talked to my therapist about it two weeks ago and she said I really am getting a lot out of the group. You know, like besides Mr. Hottie, I was learning stuff that would help me deal with stress. Just so you know most groups run at the clinic I go to, you’re not allowed to date people in the group. So essentially what the topic turned to was shouldn’t I just be good friends with Mr. Hottie and stay in group? I thought about it for a whole week and decided that I choose me, that me getting something out of Stress Management was more important than some guy. I mean I still want to be his friend and learn more about him and maybe in the future pursue a relationship that is deeper. However, for now I just want to focus on the group not what I am going to say to him when we walk from the group room to the outside.<br /><br />Today was my first group since I made this decision. I didn’t really feel sad that I decided not to be flirty. I did feel an attraction still, but I realized it was more of a physical thing. And the only thing I keep thinking now is “Did I miss my chance?” Which is really stupid because I said at beginning of this post I should have learned by now there are many people in which I have felt were the only ones for me, so in theory another person will come along soon enough. I feel sometimes like I am too old to be looking for someone, that I should already be married by now. And the thing that fuels this fire is a lot of my friends, that are the same age as me, are already married.<br /><br />However, the thing is thirty isn’t old. I just talked to my therapist Monday about wanting to see who’s out there and dating different people. She says I am not too old and generally she knows what she is talking about. My best friend is forty and she’s still looking. She told me her sister got married for the first time at forty. I also have another friend who didn’t get married for the first time until she was thirty - six and she’s pretty happy. I remember once I asked one of my friends who was in her late thirty if she ever felt sad that she wasn’t married yet and you know what she said? My friend said, “I dated a lot of jerks in the past so I am happy I am single and not married to a jerk.” I really need to work on this whole, it’s all or nothing thing! </strong></span></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-80183121576532875422010-09-10T16:44:00.003-04:002010-09-10T17:34:20.050-04:00I choose me<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiplRJYnwYENeier9YhHBXXQEtp6mrjgrrhVtXf46FGHA7HJqQY3xb9Vf1NZGdBIhIK0WK7hYZUczyYdzzZbcOfagGmS2jUL41u-zq95dnR_1HudU-TncaKcfAkKAhhadyxgqY85vHT74k/s1600/076.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515401094159380146" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiplRJYnwYENeier9YhHBXXQEtp6mrjgrrhVtXf46FGHA7HJqQY3xb9Vf1NZGdBIhIK0WK7hYZUczyYdzzZbcOfagGmS2jUL41u-zq95dnR_1HudU-TncaKcfAkKAhhadyxgqY85vHT74k/s400/076.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#33cc00;"><strong>I want to apologize to my avid blogger readers. I should have posted last week, but my Dad’s been on vacation now since the second. We’ve been doing a lot of fun stuff. However, I did miss you guys. Just wanted you to know I wasn’t sick or anything bad so no worries.<br /><br /></strong></span><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>I choose me<br />By Amanda Robin<br /><br />In span of my life<br />I have always picked<br />From the bucket<br />Of choices<br />Love of another person.<br /><br />I am still hopelessly<br />Romantic,<br />But sometimes<br />The romance<br />Lies with in<br />One’s own self.<br /><br />Those people we’ve<br />Looked up to<br />From far away<br />Say you have to love<br />Yourself first<br />And I do.<br /><br />However, sometimes<br />In the bucket<br />You have to continue<br />choosing you.</strong></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong><br />Just because I am<br />In the right state of mind<br />Doesn’t mean romance<br />Comes without torns.<br /><br />Sometimes the choice<br />In front of us<br />Is what is best for me<br />Not am I ready.<br /><br />Sometimes even though<br />It might be a healthy<br />Relationship<br />It comprises something<br />For me.<br /><br />I was faced with that<br />Choice from the bucket.<br />I could choose a healthy<br />Relationship and<br />Lose something important,<br />Or I could choose me.<br />And I choose me!</strong></span></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-88913642513469148562010-08-27T21:30:00.002-04:002010-08-27T22:21:44.395-04:00My Helper<span style="color:#000066;"><strong>You know the thing that helps me the most in my dark hours of my mental illness? My Jesus. When I was a teenager I had a thing for Jewish guys. I remember the first hot Jewish guy, he was my actual first crush. Pauly Shore! I can remember coloring Easter Eggs at my Grandma’s house in the kitchen and she had a T.V. in her kitchen. Now a little aside, when I got to be about thirteen, around the time of this Pauly Shore revolution, I hated Easter. I would color Easter Eggs on Good Friday all by myself so that on Easter I could eat Easter Eggs all by myself. Now back to my story. There was hot Pauly Shore in Speedos on “Totally Pauly” talking about being Jewish. Well, the perfect Jewish man, that I could actually date, didn’t come until about ten years later. I learned something. A Jewish guy wouldn’t want his kids to know my BESTEST FRIEND, my Redeemer, my Lord Jesus. I mean if I just married a Jewish guy and it was just us, it would fine. He could practice what he wanted and I could practice what I wanted, but I always wanted kids in the equation.<br /><br />Well, how about this Jesus? How about Yeshua? My Jewish man come to do his Father’s will. Well, way back in 1999. Before I felt suicidal, I did know there was something wrong with me. I had to fix it. I hadn’t been going to church my whole time at college. Well, maybe sometimes, but I would go hung over and half asleep. So I went to Reconciliation. And after what I told the priest and how he forgave me through Jesus, I cried. I walked out the confessional and cried some more in front of the Blessed Sacrament. There were no other people for Reconciliation so the priest came and asked me if I needed to talk. I was embarrassed and said no. I got up and left the church and cried all the way back to my dorm. Then came when it got really bad and I was going to end it all. I felt like I could trust no one. I saw a middle aged black man coming down my dorm hall. It was really weird because I went to a college in Southern Indiana where there isn’t very many African – Americans. And he told me that I could trust my father. I knew at that moment I needed to talk to my Dad, but after I went my dorm room I pushed the thought aside. Later that night, I got in my car and was ready to start it up and find a wall and crash my car! Then I got a feeling that wasn’t my own. I had heard others talked about this phenomenon before. My mother always described, when she was taking communion to the hospital, that when many people did not wish to receive that she would walk the halls and feel a great sadness that wasn’t her own. Well, I felt this feeling and it felt like strong warning not to go through with killing myself. Later I was court ordered to a mental health unit and I remembered what my Guardian Angel (for I believe that was what the middle aged black man was) had said to trust my Dad. I put him as my emgerency contact and he was there for me during my stay. For example I tried to escape three times from the mental health unit. Which was really just me going on the elevator that needed key to go anywhere so all it really did was close and open doors, the nurses witnessing this called my Dad. He talked to me and helped me. He still helps me when I get panic attacks.<br /><br />Now you all know I was in the hospital about two weeks ago. Well you know what my Yeshua did? He sent all three priests from my parish to visit me. One every other day! On Thursday the twelfth he sent Fr. Michael. Father Michael asked me if I ever received the sacrament of the sick. In the old days before Vatican Two it was called Last Rights. Fr. Michael said I have a serious illness and it could help me so I agreed. He forgave all my sins, anointed me, and laid hands on me. I didn’t have any racing thoughts after that. And after he was all done, I asked Father Michael if I could have a hug. Now I have hugged lots of priests, but I am always embarrassed with Fr. Michael because he is young and cute. Anyway, he hugged me and I mean he REALLY hugged me. I felt it was my Jesus saying that everything would be o.k. I thought about that hug all day and when I was saying my prayers before bed, which by the way I could say better because there were no racing thoughts, and just felt Jesus' love<br /><br />Now those are two examples of how my bridegroom, Yeshua has been there for me. He is always there. I love him. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan to become a bride of Christ (a nun). However, Yeshua will always come first.<br /><br /> </strong></span>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-26585837073094459832010-08-18T23:13:00.002-04:002010-08-18T23:42:29.557-04:00Weak points<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr8fLqf8O49THVq4neJ0tPcU1asaVM2wkQ5OX1ShkllzEjA1Ay6UsIBWP2bMg0Z8cD2nPNpT0TGu5YGMzJgj0xurc-Rca4N0SPXLOSqbGRCgUCPZWmDo5PMRjOD_HZ9Kvlx3aQ7RwNgTA/s1600/Forest+Flowers.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506961254117219506" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr8fLqf8O49THVq4neJ0tPcU1asaVM2wkQ5OX1ShkllzEjA1Ay6UsIBWP2bMg0Z8cD2nPNpT0TGu5YGMzJgj0xurc-Rca4N0SPXLOSqbGRCgUCPZWmDo5PMRjOD_HZ9Kvlx3aQ7RwNgTA/s200/Forest+Flowers.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#993300;">We all have our weak points, our good days and bad days. At least that’s why my therapist told me! I just felt like everyone expects me to be the healthy, strong one all the time. Well, two Mondays ago I wasn’t strong. I felt like leaving this earth. My Dad took me to the ER and I had to wait an awfully long time! The crisis nurse asked me what I wanted to do. She said there is only two choices in the ER, go home and sleep then wake up and call my therapist and ask for an earlier appointment. Or she said I could stay on the mental health unit of the hospital. For about fifteen minutes we went back and forth with me saying that I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I said that I guess I am saying that I don’t feel safe enough to go home, but I can’t say that because everyone expects me to be the strong, healthy one!<br /><br />Well, I spent a week in the inpatient mental health unit of the hospital. It was quite relaxing. I think when you have a mental illness sometimes you just have to admit you are not the strong, healthy one and just be. We had group therapies and I did a lot of coloring. I used to color in coloring books when I got nervous. Well, the unit had all these neat pictures to color. I also listened to music. I just laid and listen. I haven’t done that in a long time. I also dove into my library book that I actually just picked up from the library earlier in the day before I went to the ER. Also it’s hard for someone to understand this who is not mentally ill, but other mentally ill people are just nice to be around when you can’t handle so called normal people. My stay was quite good for me. It was a good thing I decided to admit my weakness, even though I beat around the bush to do it!<br /><br />I think life is a lot like that. I think even if one is not mentally ill, everyone needs some time away to admit there weakness and focus on themselves. I know that after I first was diagnosed, way back when I was nineteen and I choose to go back to school, I had to change the way I did my school work. I mean ever since I was five years old, I went to school and did my work the same way! I left everything to the very last minute. I realized real quick, when I starting going to school while dealing with a major mental illness, that I couldn’t do that anymore. Only having the night before to work on a project that was given a month ago was just too stressful and too hard to concentrate on for an all nighter. I had to plan my project out and work on them a little each day.<br /><br />I missed the blog world while I was gone. That’s really the only thing I missed was the computer. I know some of you wrote comments about my last post and I didn’t write back right away, but that’s because they don’t allow computers in the unit. I have written back to the nice comments. And don’t feel bad when you have a bad day. There is always tomorrow. I know that everyone says only worry about today, but sometimes they day is crappy and all you can do is cuddle up in bed and admit your weakness. I promise there will be a tomorrow with sunshine and if there isn’t, I believe there is a special place that God has prepared that will be better than all the tomorrows anyone ever wish for! Hugs to all. </span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-85212983511460143182010-08-04T08:40:00.002-04:002010-08-04T08:59:01.900-04:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ1_pmfyPfKPWBxlrPxmWk6eVcdk9rualbHjY8NbL_lVZYS4OzwY98tdh-9KayVgPL3fs-rTLi0IOWW5bZST12c5KfHtF3CDE1miOLjkQam_g0UxKZsxrAelKaKUDXVk-BZ4cnHMF6ciU/s1600/Oryx+Antelope.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5501537525917704754" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 281px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 185px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ1_pmfyPfKPWBxlrPxmWk6eVcdk9rualbHjY8NbL_lVZYS4OzwY98tdh-9KayVgPL3fs-rTLi0IOWW5bZST12c5KfHtF3CDE1miOLjkQam_g0UxKZsxrAelKaKUDXVk-BZ4cnHMF6ciU/s200/Oryx+Antelope.jpg" border="0" /></a><strong><span style="color:#003300;">Baby steps<br />By Amanda Robin<br /><br />Jesus I hear you whispering<br />Softly in my ear.<br />You’re telling me<br />My answer,<br />That I have waited<br />My whole life to hear.<br />You say, “Take baby steps.”<br /><br />I look back on the vastness<br />Of my life and think,<br />“Yeah, baby steps<br />That’s how I achieved<br />All I have.”<br /><br />“When I was so sick<br />With my mental illness<br />That I didn’t know if I<br />Would live to see thirty<br />You helped me with<br />Baby steps,<br />Get through eight years<br />Of college.”<br /><br />“When I wanted to come out<br />Of my island of loneliness<br />Known as isolation,<br />You helped me with<br />Baby steps,</span></strong><br /><span style="color:#003300;"><strong>make more friends</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#003300;"><strong>than I have ever </strong></span><br /><span style="color:#003300;"><strong>Dreamed possible."</strong><br /><br /></span><strong><span style="color:#003300;">Now oh my Jesus<br />I want to connect<br />With a handsome man<br />And your answer is<br />“Baby steps.”</span></strong>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-52389044712052436392010-07-28T16:53:00.002-04:002010-07-28T17:34:06.608-04:00Variables<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9VjSOOMu023xyvDWUkazEB6Uq_eFII4qEOl3hEdleusG1jhst9pV5yXfRutIygLJtcpOY5yaixu7rOY48yLhmtdTzfWlubrrbzFjlrFJBdYeolf0YS80obNhf8Ou-kkPWcjBJzmeVwNo/s1600/Frangipani+Flowers.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5499073525759675458" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9VjSOOMu023xyvDWUkazEB6Uq_eFII4qEOl3hEdleusG1jhst9pV5yXfRutIygLJtcpOY5yaixu7rOY48yLhmtdTzfWlubrrbzFjlrFJBdYeolf0YS80obNhf8Ou-kkPWcjBJzmeVwNo/s320/Frangipani+Flowers.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#330033;">Life is kind of funny. You think all I have to do is have a positive attitude and take care of myself and everything will be o.k. But you know what? Life is full of uncertainty! I mean we don’t get to choose when we are born or when we die. However, that not the only variable. Take for instant this guy in my group therapy. He is super hot and I like him because he doesn’t smoke, but for the life of me, I can’t get him to talk to me! Maybe it’s some weird cosmic karma. I mean I used to be only a hundred and fifteen pounds in high school and I had long blond hair down my back, but I was so shy. I find guys on Facebook from my high school and they usually say, “Amanda I had a crush on you way back when, but I could never get you to talk to me.” So no matter how much I like this hot guy Jason there is this variable of him choosing to talk to me that I can not control.<br /><br />Another example is my apartment, I want to be in it sooooo bad. It’s not like living with my parents is horrible or anything, it’s just that I want a place of my own with my own stuff and privacy! However, I can’t control when I get to the top of the waiting list. Maybe that is some kind of weird cosmic karma. I always wanted to stay with my parents. I mean I really wanted to go to college and I thought going in another state would be fun, but I dreaded the day my parents pulled away from my dorm hall parking lot. I tried to spend every minute I could with them. I still have this feeling like if I don’t sit and watch a movie with them at night than thirty years from now when they have Alzheimer’s, I am going to wish that I had watched the movie with them on July, 28th, 2010. However, that too is a variable. I mean my parents could live to be a hundred and have all their faculties or they could both get heart attacks tomorrow. I have no control over that and I shouldn’t worry. You know why? Because if I spend every waking hour with them, then I am going to be seventies years old and my friends will be gone and I will wish I would have went to dinner with them instead of spending time with my parents! Anyway, now that I finally want freedom from my parents, I have to let the universe deal me the luxury of enough people moving out of TSA for me to get into it!<br /><br />I would like to give just one more example. The success of my poetry, I have no control over that. And of course, that too is some weird cosmic karma! I remember my really good friend in high school. She was the president of the creative writing club and I was the vice president of the creative writing club our senior year. I asked her if she had one wish what would it be and she said, “To live in a world where we wouldn’t have to worry about money. Where I could just spend my time writing.” Now I have my life all figured out where I don’t have to work. I get disability benefits from the government. I do volunteer work and group therapies to keep my life in balance, but I don’t have to wake up a six – thirty in the morning or worry about a presentation for my boss or anything. So I can use my spare time to write. And that’s why I like blogging, it gives me an audience! However, I have no control over the fact that if I send my poetry into a publisher that she will like it! I still talk to my friend from high school, she is getting her Ph.D. in creative writing right now, but she has to work at the college with a classroom full of people who don’t know if they even want to take a class in poetry. I mean they could just be doing it because they heard that it would be an easy credit for an elective! And here I am writing a bunch of shit on a computer to people when I could be writing a master piece that would change the world! Well, maybe this so called “shit” might change someone’s world. That I guess is another variable!<br /><br />Anyway, all I am saying is don’t get discouraged because life is not all ours to control. We still may have shitty days because dogs will crap in the house, people we love will get sick, or we miss the five fifteen train going home. Just because you eat right and take all your medicine doesn’t mean that you get to live to a hundred and three. And just because you love your parents doesn’t mean that they will always do what you want them to do or be. I guess the same goes for children. I don’t have any yet and that is another variable. My goodness, I didn’t realize all the variables there are!</span></strong> </div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-4119944116038963732010-07-19T22:18:00.003-04:002010-07-19T23:06:04.460-04:00Moving On<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN2Cj-SZEc21PNy8lHZPkH0sGCsF7Np5VZSxywpfJ1jXP3Ni_kcAoMoqfEjCF8QoFIe5RTNUmJsVWqUowmaJy2dd00iGzrm_khLbYnbVsXvPzn9zqDVQ693a7SiIwB-JDLtQDpNBKCD5c/s1600/whiterose.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5495817630058508146" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN2Cj-SZEc21PNy8lHZPkH0sGCsF7Np5VZSxywpfJ1jXP3Ni_kcAoMoqfEjCF8QoFIe5RTNUmJsVWqUowmaJy2dd00iGzrm_khLbYnbVsXvPzn9zqDVQ693a7SiIwB-JDLtQDpNBKCD5c/s320/whiterose.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#000099;"><strong>Well, I’ve been really busy which is why I haven’t blogged in almost two weeks! The most exciting thing I did was go to a Bon Jovi concert. I've never been to a live concert of someone famous enough to be on Saturday Night Live. I mean that’s what I thought two weeks before the concert when I saw Bon Jovi on SNL. I’ve been to concert before, but they were Christian local bands that I don’t even think get air time on the radio! Now I have a little crush on Bon Jovi because he is even cuter in person. However, if you told me five years ago that I would be in line for an hour waiting to get a good seat (my best friend and I had lawn seats), then I would crush through a ton of people to the stage, listen to a rock concert, and then crush back through a crowd of people. I would tell you that you’re crazy. Mostly because I had a hard time handling crowds!<br /><br />You know what else I’ve been up to? I joined a Yoga class. Today was my third class. Five years ago, I had just had a bad experience with Albify and said that I would rather be fat and have diabetes than hear voices. Now that still is true, but in October I decided to give Geodon a try. Now I am not promoting or telling you not to take certain pills. Everyone’s brain chemistry is different so unless you happen to be my long lost twin; you have to find the medicine that is right for you. Anyway, it was a little scary at first. And there were points when I have had delusions and the medicine had to be adjusted, but for the most part everything is o.k. So I decided if my medicine is going to help me lose weight, I am not going to let it do it all on it’s own. I’ve been exercising two to three times a week at the Y. Then, I would say about February, after being encouraged by the scale, I started eating better. So far to date I have lost thirty – one pounds. Anyway, I finally feel comfortable enough to join a class at the Y and I choose Yoga because I still get panic attacks. I thought Yoga would relax me and it does! I am getting better at the stretches each time I go. And it’s a wonderful feeling to be fit.<br /><br />I am also thinking about the future. For example, I am going to compile a body of work of my poetry and submit it as a book of poetry to a publisher. Also I am thinking beyond the apartment that I am on the waiting list for. I have two possibility for my midlife years. One I don’t get married, save money to buy my own mobile home, and get a little puppy. The other to find a man, get married, and go through an adoption agency for a son between the ages of two and five years old. I really don’t care where I live if I get married (of course I want to stay in the North Country of New York state, I meant if my husband wants a house and he can afford it, then it’s all good with me). I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment so I tend to think of being by myself, but now that I am doing more I do meet more guys! I guess will have to see. I still live one day at a time, but there was a time when I just couldn’t think beyond a year or two. I just didn’t see hope. I thought I would muddle through life the same way for the rest of my life! I thought a good day would always be just because I didn’t have an episode and I got a hamburger at a burger joint that made me feel good.<br /><br />Now my question is: I am I better? Did I move on? I have moved on to a “life worth living.” However, a schizophrenic is never “better.” Tomorrow, my Mom’s CA125 could come back that she has cancer and I could get so stressed out that I don’t go to that Yoga class and instead I just sit in my room and draw lines on my arm with scissors or talk to voices that no one else can hear. Although, I would like to think I would handle it better than that. I’ve got have a lot of coping skills. All I am saying is there is always unforeseen stress, but there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Right now I am not going to worry about the unforeseen stress and live my “life worth living.” I am going to be happy with more than a burger and I going to see hotties both in concert and working out at the gym. I am going to look forward to my little puppy or my beautiful son. I am going to live each day as “normal” as possible because I have moved on! </strong></span></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-80693437482578631002010-07-06T22:28:00.001-04:002010-07-06T22:31:45.302-04:00Life is crazyLife is Crazy<br />By Amanda Robin<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">You think I am crazy?<br />Check out life!<br />It will throw you<br />For a roll coaster ride.<br />One minute things<br />Are up.<br />The next there down.<br /></span><span style="color:#009900;">You thought you didn’t<br />Have many friends<br />Then you lost them<br />And realized you<br />Had way more than<br />A handful.<br />So you tried to change<br />That and guess what!<br />You have way more<br />Than a handful again.<br /></span><span style="color:#3333ff;">Boys seem to come<br />And go.<br />You think well,<br />“I always have<br />My girls.”<br />Then a really fly<br />Guy who<br />Just happens not<br />To smoke<br />Shows up right<br />In front of your face.<br /></span><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Your dreams fall apart<br />And you decide to<br />Dust yourself off!<br />You do things<br />Little by little.<br />Then you realize<br />You have created<br />A life for yourself<br />That makes<br />The old dream<br />Pale in comparison.<br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;">Yep, that’s life<br />And in a really nice<br />And exciting way<br />It’s pretty screwed up!</span>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-89403364806840481712010-07-01T00:19:00.002-04:002010-07-01T00:41:17.211-04:00Irony<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4lRPLa6-eCaUUtSu1SiXWwzKQYX4lXWIQG59A2lSZ71s3GkwZcfr33rSTnidQfDs_zAkhg7l4vU1ko_agikZTqyFaqdPkVGbBw0pjd6iRMI64b4_CHdrk-uOu1v2RREfDYnLsFj4jcrk/s1600/100_0122.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5488793139829509042" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4lRPLa6-eCaUUtSu1SiXWwzKQYX4lXWIQG59A2lSZ71s3GkwZcfr33rSTnidQfDs_zAkhg7l4vU1ko_agikZTqyFaqdPkVGbBw0pjd6iRMI64b4_CHdrk-uOu1v2RREfDYnLsFj4jcrk/s200/100_0122.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">I started my stress management group yesterday. That is partly why I haven’t blogged yesterday. As my followers know, I try to blog once a week! Anyway, it was in the evening. It was a very interesting group. It is actually run by a psychiatrist, which is unusual, all the other groups run, at the mental health clinic I go to, are run by therapists. Being a group running psychiatrist is also unusual because the clinic is a government run clinic (I am on Medicare and Medicaid) and there is SOOO much work they put on the docs! I found this doc. to be very insightful and caring. And you know what else there is more men that go to this group. There is one my age and he looks really cute, he doesn’t say much, though. I have decided to first try to become his friend before I jump to day dreaming stuff!<br /><br />Anyway, I am getting side tracked here. Let me back up a bit. From 2004 to 2006 I went to a day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I think I wrote about it in my last blog. Anyway, about a year into going there I made this friend Catlin. She actually sought me out and I felt special. However, something was always off and I didn’t quite put my finger on it. She did do little things that annoyed me. I have friends that smoke and I used to smoke so I respect their need for a cigarette. I don’t condone smoking, but I can not judge as I can honestly say an over eater’s anonymous group would do me some good. Anyway, a lot of times I will be in a mall or restaurant with one of my smoking friends (in New York State you can not smoke in public places) and they need a cigarette. Most of the time I will let them go outside by themselves, but sometimes I accompany them so we can keep the conversation going. My smoker friends will politely only smoke one cigarette if I am out there with them, but Catlin will smoke three or four. Also she told me before that if someone can handle their weed then they can smoke marijuana. I know these are minor things, but they bothered me. And to me there was something bigger that was bothering me that I couldn’t figure out. So I stopped calling her and returning her phone calls and I had already graduated the day treatment facility so I wasn’t in regular contact with her.<br /><br />Now here comes the irony. I went to my stress management group and she is a member of it too (which I didn’t know until my first day which was yesterday). And you know what we talked about in Stress Management group? Toxic relationships! Most of the things we were talking about applied to her. I know she is a nice, smart, and interesting person. However, she brings me down, I don’t feel my morals are validated in the relationship, I don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, and something feels wrong in my gut. So what the heck is this gut feeling?<br /><br />I thought about it today. Yes, it was still bothering me once I got up this morning. Not like bothering me where I couldn’t function because worry is a symptom of my mental illness when it effects my daily activities. And I can tell you that I didn’t lose any sleep over it. I just thought about it because she is this nice, smart, and interesting person. Well, I finally put my finger on it. Some of you may know, and for those of you who don’t I will go into it a little, I had an abusive relationship with a woman just before I was diagnosed with my mental illness. One of my axis of my diagnosis is that I have a sexual identity issue. This means my sexuality and thought of what I am bothers me. And I have learned through therapy that I may never know my sexuality. The best label I can tell you is that I am bisexual preferring men. I can not see myself living the rest of my life with a woman. There really are only three women in my life that I have ever been sexually attracted to and I have fallen in love with one, my abusive ex – girlfriend.<br /><br />Anyway, I hope that is a good explanation of my sexuality, but back to how this relates to Catlin (who is straight by the way). When I first met my ex (I am not going to tell you her name because she doesn’t deserve to be immortalized on the internet at least not by me) she sort of picked me out of the crowd. I was actually at my first open rush event in my sorority, after pledging my sorority, and this woman came out of no where and paid attention to me like I was the only person in the whole room. And thinking about it, when I meet Catlin she picked me out at the day treatment facility and acted like I was the only person in the whole room. Now some of my followers have spouses and lovers and will tell you when someone swipes you off your feet that’s one of things they do. However, in a healthy relationships someone doesn’t do it manipulate you. They don’t do it so you don’t see their flaws and have you just focus attention they are giving you. Well, at least I hope not. Also when I came to know my ex, she constantly gave me attention like I was the only person in the room. Now those same swiped off your feet people will tell you that healthy relationships have space. You invite people on double dates, you have friends you go do stuff with, and you have hobbies that you do that you later share with your lover, but every waking moment is not spent with that person. I realized that, looking at when after the group therapy was over; Catlin, who hadn’t seen me in three years, jumped across the room to ask me to go to for coffee with her like we were close still, was focusing just on me. It was creepy. I know that she isn’t after a love affair. However, she is trying to manipulate me back into that toxic relationship where she brings me down, my morals aren’t validated, and I am uncomfortable.<br /><br />You see my irony? The psychiatrist led a group discussion about toxic relationship and here I was in the room with someone who wants a toxic relationship with me! No, I am not going to quit the group. Knowing Catlin, she probably won’t show up half the time and quit in a couple of months. Also I have a right to be somewhere that is going to help me. I also want to venture into a friendship with a hottie! However, for now I will tell her I am too busy to hang out and if she stats callng me again (she hasn’t called me since I broke off the friendship before) I just won't take her phone calls . Like I said, she is smart. If she doesn't get the idea, I will tell her that I have stuff I have to work on with myself and can’t be around her right now. Maybe that’s still giving her hope. I just don’t want to be rude or put her down. I would like some thoughts on this. I appreciate my readers and do read your comments. I always respond, I don’t know if you check back after you write something, but I do. Thank you my on – line support buddies! </span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-30615429268080991012010-06-22T18:37:00.002-04:002010-06-22T19:27:44.872-04:00A common FEAR!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc6zc4k9BSEXsrpdXt1OqX-hnrr3JQle_q6Ofn-e_8rpGPCmC30X-HSdB2dmRQMxDIZQaJ5ruJG6cZ3yHrbvzfg5JPpdWY3SUtpmL9qUQwGsiy0LiuWNWHQTCgJvP4mmPG0Ks_bfRm_Qg/s1600/Water.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485743698278345874" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 196px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc6zc4k9BSEXsrpdXt1OqX-hnrr3JQle_q6Ofn-e_8rpGPCmC30X-HSdB2dmRQMxDIZQaJ5ruJG6cZ3yHrbvzfg5JPpdWY3SUtpmL9qUQwGsiy0LiuWNWHQTCgJvP4mmPG0Ks_bfRm_Qg/s200/Water.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#000066;">O.k. This is the thing! I go to my therapist today and I want to talk about something I feel weird about. I had talked to another therapist about this when I was at the day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I don’t know if my followers and those reading this know, but from 2004 to 2006 I was at a day treatment facility where we did three one hour group therapies three days a week! On top of that we saw our individual therapists for an hour a week. It was pretty intense. However, I learned a lot! The most important being was that I don’t have to LIVE with my PARENTS for the rest of my life, which can’t happen away because they will eventually leave this world. Anyway, the therapist at the day treatment facility, she said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is true about this fear. However, my therapist now, said that what I had was a common fear! I am thinking finally. Something that didn’t just happen because my uniquely screwed up family or the shafted genes I got.<br /><br />What is this fear you ask? Simple! It’s that my best friend Chrissy will get pissed off at me and we won’t be friends anymore. I mean I would really miss her now that I am beginning to trust her. We have three big things in common, we are both paranoid schizophrenics, we are both single over thirty women, and we hold bachelor’s degrees (which is special because most schizophrenic don’t finish college). We talk on the phone everyday almost. And we spend at least two weekends out of the month together. I would be lonely without her. I do have other friends that I do stuff with. I actually have three other friends here within thirty minutes of me. Also my friend Robin, who used to live here, calls me at least once a week from Virginia. To add to that, my followers know that I have friends back in Indiana and Chicago, but e – mail is kind of stale. Of course, I have all of you. It’s rather interesting this blogging thing. It’s kind of like an on – line support group. I can tell you guys anything, mostly, because I would probably never meet you in the real world, but more because you are all so understanding.<br /><br />Well, anyway. I told my therapist that I was afraid that I would piss Chrissy off and she’d go away. My therapist told me that this is a common fear because little children can be hurtful! I have to realize that it has to do with my past and that it wasn’t anything I did when I was a little girl or a teenager that pissed off my friends, it was them! My therapist said that plus I had a low self esteem when I was young and she had the beautiful water description. She said that when you have low self esteem you’re at a lower level and you seep less water in a relationship. When you have a normal self esteem you seep way more water for healthy relationship to be filled. Also I guess I am at an advantage because my therapist is Chrissy's therapist so she knows Chrissy is healthy. My therapist even made the comment that she can’t reveal personal information to me, but she would say that Chrissy is a good person.<br /><br />Anyway, if anyone feels like somebody is too good to be true, you know what? You might be wrong! You may have come to a place where you are healthy enough for lots more water to seep in for a healthy relationship. I just say this because if this truly is a common fear then more people need to be told. I often wonder sometimes when people say that they wish they could be a little kid again. I don’t want to be one. When I was little the other little kids where nasty, my parents scared me shitless, and I couldn’t wait to grow up! Right now as I live and breathe, I believe the best age is thirty. I love it. When I was a child, life was pretty messed up as I said, as a teenager my life was turned up side down with new pressure like boys and getting into college, and my twenties were trying to settle into my adult body. Now I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and know what the heck I am doing! I am not saying that everything is going to be perfect and there won’t be sadness, but I think the torture is gone. </span></strong></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229653932117382501.post-58228328493120186732010-06-14T21:41:00.003-04:002010-06-14T21:59:41.168-04:00For Nina<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKv50Q2s3D4fm6AqvLzpWbHmY2cbryBypJW9IIuTtmB4osjBQh7jJG361BdntfKDpQz58YlAl24sATpCOg6SGvLDppSPaP8T1ftIPn2sI3D3vgnUJVYrVpmavuZhfr0SA145WlxjRAPSY/s1600/rose.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482813836555578066" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 314px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 251px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKv50Q2s3D4fm6AqvLzpWbHmY2cbryBypJW9IIuTtmB4osjBQh7jJG361BdntfKDpQz58YlAl24sATpCOg6SGvLDppSPaP8T1ftIPn2sI3D3vgnUJVYrVpmavuZhfr0SA145WlxjRAPSY/s320/rose.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong>It’s one of my good friends and sister in Christ has birthday on the twenty – eight of this month. So I am dictating this to her. Nina has battled bipolar for many years and now her medicine just is not helping her! Her old psychiatrist retired and she is trying to get used to a new one while going through another low. Anyone of you that pray on this site, pray for Nina. And those who don’t send good universe energy out to her.<br /><br /></strong><span style="color:#009900;">For Nina<br />By Amanda Robin<br /><br />Nina loves her Savior with a love<br />That the devil can’t touch.<br />He is lifting her now<br />Into His mighty chest<br />And holding her<br />Saying Nobody is going<br />To hurt you<br />Not today.<br /><br />Nina has friends that love her<br />Friends that won’t go away<br />Just because they can’t see<br />Her right now<br />Because we remember<br />The graceful love<br />She has for us.<br /><br />Nina is beautiful<br />Like a butterfly.<br />Nina is kind<br />Like mother Angelica.<br />Nina is sweet<br />Like honey straight<br />From the comb.<br />Nina is smart<br />Like me.<br />Nina is caring<br />Just like Jesus.<br />Nina is creative<br />Like Pablo Pasco.<br />Nina is understanding<br />Like my first grade teacher<br /><br />Nina is all this and more<br />That why I love her.<br />And why the great Almighty<br />Is delighted in His child<br />Nina.</span></div>Mandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02388649891410858782noreply@blogger.com5