The Passionate Blogger Award!

Hello my followers and guest stopping by,

This is a first for me. I am either blogging once a week or later than that. This is going to be the first time I blogged six days apart, but I am just so excited and wanted to pass the joy around! My blog buddy Lil, Bowling Borderline Lil (borderlinelil.blogspot.com), gave me a special award that means a lot to me. She also said something really nice about me that touched my heart! I wanted to pass it along because Lil says I get to pick five people. Thanks again Lil, you don’t know how much this means to me!

This is who I choose: I want to honor: Amber, Gaining insight (gaining-insight.blogspot.com). She is the one that got me started blogging and gave me great tips and advice on how to get my blog read by all the wonderful people that read my blog and make my blog worth reading. Right now Amber just had her first child (Lucas Joshua) so she hasn’t been blogging for a while, but Amber is passionate about helping the mental health community. She also has awesome artwork, check that out!

I also want to honor: Ashley, Overcoming Schizophrenia (OvercomingSchizophrenia.blogspot.com). She is so passionate about being active in the mental health community. Ashley has started support groups and been on a local radio station to promote mental health awareness. She uses her blog to tell us about all the exciting stuff going on in her journey to help others. Ashley is also special to me because she is a paranoid schizophrenic just like me!

I also want to honor: J.B.R., Just Be Real (justbereal77.blogspot.com). This person is one of my favorite religious bloggers. J.B.R. struggles with an abusive past and is in therapy. However, this person uses Jesus in a big way. J.B.R. inspires me to be myself and let Jesus heal me. Also with all the followers J.B.R. has this person always answer my comments and I am being a little selfish here, but this person always reads my blog too!

I also want to honor: Charlie, Professor B. Worm (thefirstbookoftesticles.blogspot.com). He makes me laugh. I also get to indulge in my next love only second to Jesus and that’s literature! Some of you may not know, but I have a B.A. in Literature. Charlie reviews great books and some not so great (so we don’t have to waste time reading them). Also when he is passionate about something he will blog about it. Check out his most recent one about Arizona and racism going out there.

Finally I want to honor: The Soulmate Guide (thesoulmateguide.blogspot.com). This is one of my new followings. I don’t know if it works, but I am sure finding the steps interesting. When your thirty years old and never been really in love with a good person, you need all the help you can get!

Sorry everyone, I don’t know how to put links on my page like Lil did so that’s why I wrote the addresses for you, because these are some passionate bloggers you should check out. And if Lil hadn’t given the award to me then I would have given it to her! All those awarded could copy the picture and put in on their post and honor five other deserving passionate bloggers! Thanks.

One little thing makes all the difference in the world!

It’s really funny how life works, but one little thing makes all the difference in the world. This past Friday I got paid so I went and got my hair cut (holla’ at you Charlie;) Anyway, I got my haircut and I was sitting in the chair with my long light brownish - blondish hair thinking to myself, “What could I do to change my look.” I didn’t want to cut it more than the typical dead ends because every time I do I got to bed that night crying because I miss my over the shoulder length hair. It just blurted of me to my hair dresser, “What about bangs?” I haven’t had bangs since I was in high school and my ten year reunion was two years ago this summer. My hair dresser said that it would look nice to have something on my face. Well, I had an appointment with my therapist the same day and she all like “Your hair looks beautiful!” And I went to Saturday evening mass yesterday and got some compliments on my hair. All I did was get bangs. Now it is true that when I get the dead ends cut off the rest of my hair, my layers become more pronounced and my hair is softer because it’s healthier. However, I get this done every two months and I don’t get quite the response I got this time with the addition of the bangs!

Now life is sort of like that. About two or more years ago I decided to apply for housing so I could move out of my parents home for yet the third time in my life! It’s nearing the time when my apartment will be ready and let me tell you as a thirty year old living with dysfunctional parents it can’t come fast enough. Well, I would say in the past eight months it’s been very difficult. I wrote you all about the bankruptcy piece, but there is other little things that annoy me and are in fact things that are unhealthy for my emotional well being that my parents do. I have had friends before and I have hung around them. It true when I get very sick, I isolate. However, for longer than the last eight months I have been doing stuff with my friends like my mommy to be friend, Amber who is responsible for helping me get on blogspot. However, I haven’t really had a best friend since the woman who raped me. I wrote a whole blog on that maybe a month ago. Well, I am happy to report I am slowly becoming best friends with my friend Chrissy. We talk on the phone at least every other day. We tried to spend at least one day a week doing something fun together. And then there is the most important piece, I am actually confiding in her! It will take some time, but I think she will probably be the only one who knows all my secrets that are worth telling outside of individual therapy! It’s like one little thing, having a best friend to call up and drive over to her house when my parents are getting on my nerves, has made all the difference in the world. Also May is Mental Health Month and every year I go to the Citizen Committee dinner. However, Chrissy also convinced me to go to one of my old psychiatrist’s retirement dinners. So there will be a night when I just get dressed up and go with my best gal pal to a fancy dinner. And this one little change, having a best friend, has made all the difference in the world with waiting on my apartment.

My Spiritual life is like that too! I can remember growing up believing in God, but not really understanding or having a personal relationship. Then when I got into college I just knew God was there, but I didn’t have much interaction with him. Sometimes a bed time prayer, but that was about it. Then I got diagnosed with my mental illness. I was actually court ordered to a mental health unit in the state of Indiana, five hours away from my family. And you know what? I had no one else to turn too. My mind was playing tricks on me. For example, I almost blow up the organic chem. Lab. I felt my friends really didn’t understand. I mean really? How can nineteen and twenty year olds relate to something as big as a major mental illness? I mean I was going through it myself and I couldn’t understand it so how could I expect my friends too? And the doctors and nurses on the mental health unit, I didn’t really know, so how could I trust them? When someone tells you that hearing voices is normal for your illness, how can you wrap your mind around the fact that they are telling the truth? So there I was in the common area of the unit and tears just started streaming down my face! I called of the name of Jesus and ever since then my life has been different. Just one little difference, believing that Jesus the Nazarene died for my sins, has made my whole life different. Never after that point have I made an elaborate plan to meet my own demise. I am not going to lie, just like anyone with a major mental illness, there are times when I seriously thing about it. However before I can get to the point where I think, “O.k. I am going to do this, this, and this, and I will meet my end,” I go to the ER and talk to the crisis nurse. Having a personal relationship with Jesus, that one little thing, also makes my life brighter. When I face a decision, I can go and talk to my creator and see what His will is. I don’t have to take on big things alone.

So, I have found that sometimes it not major milestones that make our lives better. It the simple little things like getting bangs, a best friend, or calling to my redeemer, that makes life living more bearable! You don’t have to climb Mt. Saint Helen or circumnavigate the globe, just make a little change in your life and world just might seem a little brighter!

Out of confusion comes Clarity

Clarity, Really?
By Amanda Robin

I wonder through the vast
Streets of life and wonder
Where the heck is this
Going?
Should I turn left?
Maybe I will meet my end
That way?
Should I turn right?
Maybe happiness lies
That way?
I trudge on keeping
The same pace and path.

If I do the same thing
All the time,
Won’t I end up with
The same result?

I am scared,
Confused,
Imaginative,
Lonely,
Heart broken,
Distraught,
And defiantly
Not going the right way.

Yes, I choose the Lord
To guide me,
But He gave me
This funny thing.
You may have heart of it!
It’s called Free Will.

Yes, eventually all my paths
Will lead to exactly the same
Spot.
However, with this funny thing
Called free will.
I have a choice.

A choice to be happy,
A choice to struggle for
What’s right,
A choice to go and live
My life.

From this moment on
With the Lord at my side,
I am going to make life better.
I am going to truly live.
If someone asks me to dance,
I will dance.
If someone invites me to
Fight for a cause
I believe in,
I am going to take it on
With my whole heart.
If someone ask me
To be there friend,
I will be to the end.
I am going to laugh more,
Cry more,
And live more.


Because you know what?
This is the only life we got!
Yes, one day I will be
In heaven with my Lord
And it will be beyond anything
Here.
However, God put me here
For a reason!
And I intend to find out
What that reason is.

What about a soul mate?

First of all, I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates. It comes from a Wiccan idea that there were people of one soul living on some planet not our own. Then they were placed on earth, but separated. A male and female soul and the only way that a person could go on to the next life would be to find their other half of their souls. I don’t believe this for the obvious reason I am a Christian and even lesser obvious that right now I am practicing Catholicism which means would unmarried priest go to hell? In my heart the real reason I don’t believe this is because, as I have shared before, I am bisexual! If I found a woman who I really loved and thought was my perfect partner than could she be my soul mate, even though she wasn’t the other male half of my soul? I mean the chick that will always have my heart, but I never date because I know how commitmentophobe she really is, is VERY BUTCH! However, my “best lesbian friend” as I like to call her is still a woman! If she wasn’t a woman, I don’t think I would find her quite so sexy! And just an aside, when I tried to kill myself in November of 1999, she is the one I wrote my suicide letter to!

Now having said all that, I think I really need a life partner! It could be a woman or a man. It’s just that I am very lonely. Now I know I have to be happy with myself first and I think I am. I stayed in DBT long enough to conquer my final “frontier” of being able to say no to my Mom. My DBT homework was on how I didn’t help her with the bankruptcy case. And may I add another aside? I think my parents did quite well. I mean they aren’t officially done, but they went to court yesterday and the judge approved their right to file! Anyway, I still want to get my own apartment and be a little more independent before some guy wants to put a ring on my finger or some really sweet butch wants to take me to a state where we could get married. However, I think I really need a man or woman in my life.

Why do I say this? I am playing a stupid game on Facebook called Sorority Life. I mean it’s a fun game, but what makes it stupid is that I look forward to my “date night” with my sweetheart! Now for those who have never played the game, my sweetheart is a computer character, in no way is he a real live person! Also date night is just me picking one of three activities and then waiting to see if my computer character gets a chocolate bar or something from my sweetheart! Also my last sweetheart told me he was going off to grad school and then the game said he left and broke up with me. And you know what? I spent a good half hour in my bed feeling bad because this computer character broke up with me! Now if that doesn’t scream, “Amanda needs someone special in her life,” then I don’t know what does!

Now maybe I am a little sad about this computer character because my first love broke up with me my freshmen year of college right before finals! I am thinking some kind of PTSD type flashback. He was the best boyfriend I ever had and last functional relationship I have ever had. I did date the stupid b*$#h who raped me my sophomore year and after that I been on dates with a string of losers! However, Trevor was the last good, healthy relationship I was in. Now that’s why I need someone too! That was eleven years ago since I was in a good, healthy relationship.

Now having said all this, I totally need to let the universe bring this person to me! Now your like, “What minute Amanda, I thought you said you didn’t believe in soul mate?” I don’t, but I do believe in destiny and God’s will. I have made a total a ## of myself the past eleven years going after people that I thought would be potential mates. One of my followers on this blog is a lady named Maddie. We met when we were both freshmen in high school and I still call her Emmies! Anyway, Emmies said to me one time that I was way too intense when I liked someone and I could totally see that. It’s like all somebody has to do is have nice eyes, have a sense of humor, and is available and I quickly think, “OMG, this is the one!” I think perhaps I need to have a couple of functional relationship before I have THE relationship with that person meant for me. And I don’t have to go looking for this person; I just have to live my life. I have talked before about isolating and I think if one stays in ones room all day and just goes to group therapy, then one will not find anyone. However, if I have friends and go out where there are other people, then an opportunity might present itself! Now I am not saying that I wouldn’t flirt with a handsome man with nice brown eyes or encourage a hot, sensitive butch to ask for my number. All I am saying is that I don’t have to plot every detail of how my perfect mate is going to find me.

I know many people struggle with this and I am wondering if anyone could relate? I know Mrs. Amber has found THE relationship! She should write a post for us on how to find that relationship. Her man is good too and she is having another little man to be in love with pretty soon. Amber’s due date is fast approaching! For my Christian blog buddies, pray for me. For Easter I put other people’s petitions for the priest to pray for when I wrote out the check to the mission that supplied my Easter cards. However, for my address labels, that where also by a mission, I put the petition for me to find the kind hearted, person with the soft touch, and beautiful soul to share my walk with Jesus. My last aside, yes, I do believe that two woman can share a walk with Jesus! And for the rest of my blog buddies, put some good energy out in the universe for it to send me this person. Thanks everyone for listening.

Angry

I am so angry right now and I don’t know how to deal with it. I been raised my whole life to believe that anger is negative emotion. In therapy, I learn that anger is trying to tell me something. So I got to figure it out. I am angry because my friend won’t do her share of a project we are working on. I need to find the function of this emotion. Agggh! It hurts to be angry. I feel all the angry stored up in me coming out. I am angry because my parents aren’t perfect. I am angry because my monthly friend hasn’t come yet. However, I am not pregnant. That’s something to be angry about. I am a freakin’ virgin at thirty. I am angry because my apartment isn't not ready. I am angry because sometimes I lie to make people so that will not feel sorry for me. I am angry that life sucks in general.

I am tired of pretending to be miss happy all the time. The world wants me to be happy because that’s who I am. I am the person that makes everyone else feel happy. I feel like just going on the unit and forgetting about everyone. However, I know the minute I go on the unit everyone and their dog will be calling me and visiting me. I need to go where no one knows who the heck I am and doesn’t care if I care about jack diddly.

We talked in DBT (one of the group therapy classes that I am in) about how if people mistreat me, but I don’t tell them that they are hurting me, then they might not know. So maybe what I have to do is tell my friend she has to stop playing stupid and do her fair share of the work. I KNOW that’s what I have to do. But it sucks. I hate telling people how I feel. I am glad that people can’t read minds, but sometimes I wish they would pick up on the fact that they are being a lazy a$% bum. I can’t be for all people all of the time. I feel like I am everyone support and no one is supporting me.

I wish my life had turned out different. I wish I could have a least finished college in four years at the first college that I went too. But you know what part of the problem was is that I didn’t tell people when I was angry. The only person that I leaned on back then was my abuser. I thought when she spoke that she knew my mind. I did some crazy stuff back then because I thought it was the right thing to do. I had to learn that I have to figure out stuff for myself. However, somehow I have to learn how to lean on people without letting them think for me! Maybe that’s the problem maybe I feel like if I let someone in again they will hurt me again.

It’s been so long since I had a best friend and I need one so bad. I need a best friend that I can just tell all my garbage to and they will listen. Of course, I have my therapist. However, I would really like someone that I can talk about stuff with that wouldn’t make me think, “Well, how does that make you feel?” I want someone who can say that life sucks with me. I need someone who I can tell my hopes and dreams to and they will dream with me.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Life sucks, heaven can’t come soon enough, but with friends, hanging in there is worth it!

Is life to difficult?

I want to apologize to my loyal follwers for not posting in such a long time. This time I have no good reason why I didn't. I hope you enjoy this poem and I would like feedback, but y' all do that anyway.

Life
By Amanda Robin

Life is hard
As nails.
It will punch
You right in the jaw.
They say, “The Early
Bird gets the Worm.”
I wanna know who eats
Worms?

Life is a big dog
That will bite you
In the butt
Every time.
Life will kick
You to the curb.
They say “A Penny Saved
Is a Penny earned.”
I say wouldn’t
That suck
If you only got
A penny in your
Savings account?

Life will jump you
From behind.
Life will make
You eat dirt
And laugh at you
Later.
I heard it said,
“Life is too important
To be taken seriously.”
And I would have
To agree!

Feelings change

This is something new I just learned. I had always wondered why they only keep you in the mental health unit seventy - two hours when they court order you there for trying to commit suicide. I thought, “God you could go home and do it again.” Well, in anxiety group we talked about this very thing. Now a lot of you in group therapy know that you are not suppose to discuss what goes on in group and that’s not what I am going to do. I am going to tell you what I learned. Did you know that most places that will assist you with suicide won’t assist someone who has a mental health issue? It’s because your feelings can change. Unlike someone who is asking for death because of stage four breast cancer or who is totally paralyzed, people with mental illness will NOT ALWAYS want to die! Isn’t that kind of comforting? I talked about in group how I go through periods where I feel like killing myself and I never do it. I always ended up in the ER with those damn P.J. pants on. My goodness I could write a blog on those P.J. pants. And the therapist that runs the group told everyone that what Amanda pointed out is that she feels differently every time. My therapist for anxiety group said, “You are not going to wake up today and feel the same way you did yesterday.” I know this is true because every time I feel like doing myself in, it’s different. The desire to die is less and less; also it takes me less time to pull out of it.

Now you probably thinking, “Geez this is a depressing blog.” Well guess what? What I really want to talk about is that you don’t feel the same way about ANYTHING. I have talked about before isolating. I used to do it a lot. Well, you know what? I don’t feel the same way about it. I was stressing over this baby shower I was going to have to go too. I pictured sitting alone and listening to people laugh. It brought back memories of being in high school and sitting at the lunch table with ten other sweet girls who would have talked to me if I opened my mouth! I told myself it’s not going to be like that at all. Just talk Amanda, damn it! So I was psyched about going and guess what? My parents’ car broke down. It is still in the stupid shop! And I don’t own a car. Five years ago this would be my perfect excuse to call my friend and say that I couldn’t go. However, I psyched myself up so much that I actually was disappointed. And you know what, I did feel different! I put myself on a mission to find a ride. I even called up my poor friend who just had surgery to ask if she was going. She wasn’t. I called a cab company and they wanted $21 one way! Well, my Mom said to ask our neighbors. Now our neighbors started being friends with us because our dogs get along. But over the last three years we lived here: my Dad has cut their grass A LOT, we were invited for social events, and we went to the wake of their mother. So we are kind of close, not just somebody you wave to when you pull in the drive way! And my neighbor said sure. I couldn’t believe it. I was not only NOT using the perfectly good excuse the car was busted, but I was going to ride with someone I normally don’t depend on for favors!

So I want to tell everyone there is hope. And it’s very true that tomorrow when you wake up you will not feel the same way. Now no matter if it’s complementing your own demise or isolating, it’s not going to happen over night. I didn’t just last week, not go out even for coffee and now am going to baby showers. This happened over a ten year period of immense struggle. So please don’t get down on yourself if you think you are still failing. It’s all about baby steps. Then one day you will be like me and find yourself in a room full of women who are genuinely interested in knowing all about you! That day it will feel like only yesterday you were stuck at home Friday nights because you didn’t want to bother anyone with your dullness!