Life is Crazy
By Amanda Robin
You think I am crazy?
Check out life!
It will throw you
For a roll coaster ride.
One minute things
Are up.
The next there down.
You thought you didn’t
Have many friends
Then you lost them
And realized you
Had way more than
A handful.
So you tried to change
That and guess what!
You have way more
Than a handful again.
Boys seem to come
And go.
You think well,
“I always have
My girls.”
Then a really fly
Guy who
Just happens not
To smoke
Shows up right
In front of your face.
Your dreams fall apart
And you decide to
Dust yourself off!
You do things
Little by little.
Then you realize
You have created
A life for yourself
That makes
The old dream
Pale in comparison.
Yep, that’s life
And in a really nice
And exciting way
It’s pretty screwed up!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Irony
I started my stress management group yesterday. That is partly why I haven’t blogged yesterday. As my followers know, I try to blog once a week! Anyway, it was in the evening. It was a very interesting group. It is actually run by a psychiatrist, which is unusual, all the other groups run, at the mental health clinic I go to, are run by therapists. Being a group running psychiatrist is also unusual because the clinic is a government run clinic (I am on Medicare and Medicaid) and there is SOOO much work they put on the docs! I found this doc. to be very insightful and caring. And you know what else there is more men that go to this group. There is one my age and he looks really cute, he doesn’t say much, though. I have decided to first try to become his friend before I jump to day dreaming stuff!
Anyway, I am getting side tracked here. Let me back up a bit. From 2004 to 2006 I went to a day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I think I wrote about it in my last blog. Anyway, about a year into going there I made this friend Catlin. She actually sought me out and I felt special. However, something was always off and I didn’t quite put my finger on it. She did do little things that annoyed me. I have friends that smoke and I used to smoke so I respect their need for a cigarette. I don’t condone smoking, but I can not judge as I can honestly say an over eater’s anonymous group would do me some good. Anyway, a lot of times I will be in a mall or restaurant with one of my smoking friends (in New York State you can not smoke in public places) and they need a cigarette. Most of the time I will let them go outside by themselves, but sometimes I accompany them so we can keep the conversation going. My smoker friends will politely only smoke one cigarette if I am out there with them, but Catlin will smoke three or four. Also she told me before that if someone can handle their weed then they can smoke marijuana. I know these are minor things, but they bothered me. And to me there was something bigger that was bothering me that I couldn’t figure out. So I stopped calling her and returning her phone calls and I had already graduated the day treatment facility so I wasn’t in regular contact with her.
Now here comes the irony. I went to my stress management group and she is a member of it too (which I didn’t know until my first day which was yesterday). And you know what we talked about in Stress Management group? Toxic relationships! Most of the things we were talking about applied to her. I know she is a nice, smart, and interesting person. However, she brings me down, I don’t feel my morals are validated in the relationship, I don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, and something feels wrong in my gut. So what the heck is this gut feeling?
I thought about it today. Yes, it was still bothering me once I got up this morning. Not like bothering me where I couldn’t function because worry is a symptom of my mental illness when it effects my daily activities. And I can tell you that I didn’t lose any sleep over it. I just thought about it because she is this nice, smart, and interesting person. Well, I finally put my finger on it. Some of you may know, and for those of you who don’t I will go into it a little, I had an abusive relationship with a woman just before I was diagnosed with my mental illness. One of my axis of my diagnosis is that I have a sexual identity issue. This means my sexuality and thought of what I am bothers me. And I have learned through therapy that I may never know my sexuality. The best label I can tell you is that I am bisexual preferring men. I can not see myself living the rest of my life with a woman. There really are only three women in my life that I have ever been sexually attracted to and I have fallen in love with one, my abusive ex – girlfriend.
Anyway, I hope that is a good explanation of my sexuality, but back to how this relates to Catlin (who is straight by the way). When I first met my ex (I am not going to tell you her name because she doesn’t deserve to be immortalized on the internet at least not by me) she sort of picked me out of the crowd. I was actually at my first open rush event in my sorority, after pledging my sorority, and this woman came out of no where and paid attention to me like I was the only person in the whole room. And thinking about it, when I meet Catlin she picked me out at the day treatment facility and acted like I was the only person in the whole room. Now some of my followers have spouses and lovers and will tell you when someone swipes you off your feet that’s one of things they do. However, in a healthy relationships someone doesn’t do it manipulate you. They don’t do it so you don’t see their flaws and have you just focus attention they are giving you. Well, at least I hope not. Also when I came to know my ex, she constantly gave me attention like I was the only person in the room. Now those same swiped off your feet people will tell you that healthy relationships have space. You invite people on double dates, you have friends you go do stuff with, and you have hobbies that you do that you later share with your lover, but every waking moment is not spent with that person. I realized that, looking at when after the group therapy was over; Catlin, who hadn’t seen me in three years, jumped across the room to ask me to go to for coffee with her like we were close still, was focusing just on me. It was creepy. I know that she isn’t after a love affair. However, she is trying to manipulate me back into that toxic relationship where she brings me down, my morals aren’t validated, and I am uncomfortable.
You see my irony? The psychiatrist led a group discussion about toxic relationship and here I was in the room with someone who wants a toxic relationship with me! No, I am not going to quit the group. Knowing Catlin, she probably won’t show up half the time and quit in a couple of months. Also I have a right to be somewhere that is going to help me. I also want to venture into a friendship with a hottie! However, for now I will tell her I am too busy to hang out and if she stats callng me again (she hasn’t called me since I broke off the friendship before) I just won't take her phone calls . Like I said, she is smart. If she doesn't get the idea, I will tell her that I have stuff I have to work on with myself and can’t be around her right now. Maybe that’s still giving her hope. I just don’t want to be rude or put her down. I would like some thoughts on this. I appreciate my readers and do read your comments. I always respond, I don’t know if you check back after you write something, but I do. Thank you my on – line support buddies!
Anyway, I am getting side tracked here. Let me back up a bit. From 2004 to 2006 I went to a day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I think I wrote about it in my last blog. Anyway, about a year into going there I made this friend Catlin. She actually sought me out and I felt special. However, something was always off and I didn’t quite put my finger on it. She did do little things that annoyed me. I have friends that smoke and I used to smoke so I respect their need for a cigarette. I don’t condone smoking, but I can not judge as I can honestly say an over eater’s anonymous group would do me some good. Anyway, a lot of times I will be in a mall or restaurant with one of my smoking friends (in New York State you can not smoke in public places) and they need a cigarette. Most of the time I will let them go outside by themselves, but sometimes I accompany them so we can keep the conversation going. My smoker friends will politely only smoke one cigarette if I am out there with them, but Catlin will smoke three or four. Also she told me before that if someone can handle their weed then they can smoke marijuana. I know these are minor things, but they bothered me. And to me there was something bigger that was bothering me that I couldn’t figure out. So I stopped calling her and returning her phone calls and I had already graduated the day treatment facility so I wasn’t in regular contact with her.
Now here comes the irony. I went to my stress management group and she is a member of it too (which I didn’t know until my first day which was yesterday). And you know what we talked about in Stress Management group? Toxic relationships! Most of the things we were talking about applied to her. I know she is a nice, smart, and interesting person. However, she brings me down, I don’t feel my morals are validated in the relationship, I don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, and something feels wrong in my gut. So what the heck is this gut feeling?
I thought about it today. Yes, it was still bothering me once I got up this morning. Not like bothering me where I couldn’t function because worry is a symptom of my mental illness when it effects my daily activities. And I can tell you that I didn’t lose any sleep over it. I just thought about it because she is this nice, smart, and interesting person. Well, I finally put my finger on it. Some of you may know, and for those of you who don’t I will go into it a little, I had an abusive relationship with a woman just before I was diagnosed with my mental illness. One of my axis of my diagnosis is that I have a sexual identity issue. This means my sexuality and thought of what I am bothers me. And I have learned through therapy that I may never know my sexuality. The best label I can tell you is that I am bisexual preferring men. I can not see myself living the rest of my life with a woman. There really are only three women in my life that I have ever been sexually attracted to and I have fallen in love with one, my abusive ex – girlfriend.
Anyway, I hope that is a good explanation of my sexuality, but back to how this relates to Catlin (who is straight by the way). When I first met my ex (I am not going to tell you her name because she doesn’t deserve to be immortalized on the internet at least not by me) she sort of picked me out of the crowd. I was actually at my first open rush event in my sorority, after pledging my sorority, and this woman came out of no where and paid attention to me like I was the only person in the whole room. And thinking about it, when I meet Catlin she picked me out at the day treatment facility and acted like I was the only person in the whole room. Now some of my followers have spouses and lovers and will tell you when someone swipes you off your feet that’s one of things they do. However, in a healthy relationships someone doesn’t do it manipulate you. They don’t do it so you don’t see their flaws and have you just focus attention they are giving you. Well, at least I hope not. Also when I came to know my ex, she constantly gave me attention like I was the only person in the room. Now those same swiped off your feet people will tell you that healthy relationships have space. You invite people on double dates, you have friends you go do stuff with, and you have hobbies that you do that you later share with your lover, but every waking moment is not spent with that person. I realized that, looking at when after the group therapy was over; Catlin, who hadn’t seen me in three years, jumped across the room to ask me to go to for coffee with her like we were close still, was focusing just on me. It was creepy. I know that she isn’t after a love affair. However, she is trying to manipulate me back into that toxic relationship where she brings me down, my morals aren’t validated, and I am uncomfortable.
You see my irony? The psychiatrist led a group discussion about toxic relationship and here I was in the room with someone who wants a toxic relationship with me! No, I am not going to quit the group. Knowing Catlin, she probably won’t show up half the time and quit in a couple of months. Also I have a right to be somewhere that is going to help me. I also want to venture into a friendship with a hottie! However, for now I will tell her I am too busy to hang out and if she stats callng me again (she hasn’t called me since I broke off the friendship before) I just won't take her phone calls . Like I said, she is smart. If she doesn't get the idea, I will tell her that I have stuff I have to work on with myself and can’t be around her right now. Maybe that’s still giving her hope. I just don’t want to be rude or put her down. I would like some thoughts on this. I appreciate my readers and do read your comments. I always respond, I don’t know if you check back after you write something, but I do. Thank you my on – line support buddies!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A common FEAR!
O.k. This is the thing! I go to my therapist today and I want to talk about something I feel weird about. I had talked to another therapist about this when I was at the day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I don’t know if my followers and those reading this know, but from 2004 to 2006 I was at a day treatment facility where we did three one hour group therapies three days a week! On top of that we saw our individual therapists for an hour a week. It was pretty intense. However, I learned a lot! The most important being was that I don’t have to LIVE with my PARENTS for the rest of my life, which can’t happen away because they will eventually leave this world. Anyway, the therapist at the day treatment facility, she said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is true about this fear. However, my therapist now, said that what I had was a common fear! I am thinking finally. Something that didn’t just happen because my uniquely screwed up family or the shafted genes I got.
What is this fear you ask? Simple! It’s that my best friend Chrissy will get pissed off at me and we won’t be friends anymore. I mean I would really miss her now that I am beginning to trust her. We have three big things in common, we are both paranoid schizophrenics, we are both single over thirty women, and we hold bachelor’s degrees (which is special because most schizophrenic don’t finish college). We talk on the phone everyday almost. And we spend at least two weekends out of the month together. I would be lonely without her. I do have other friends that I do stuff with. I actually have three other friends here within thirty minutes of me. Also my friend Robin, who used to live here, calls me at least once a week from Virginia. To add to that, my followers know that I have friends back in Indiana and Chicago, but e – mail is kind of stale. Of course, I have all of you. It’s rather interesting this blogging thing. It’s kind of like an on – line support group. I can tell you guys anything, mostly, because I would probably never meet you in the real world, but more because you are all so understanding.
Well, anyway. I told my therapist that I was afraid that I would piss Chrissy off and she’d go away. My therapist told me that this is a common fear because little children can be hurtful! I have to realize that it has to do with my past and that it wasn’t anything I did when I was a little girl or a teenager that pissed off my friends, it was them! My therapist said that plus I had a low self esteem when I was young and she had the beautiful water description. She said that when you have low self esteem you’re at a lower level and you seep less water in a relationship. When you have a normal self esteem you seep way more water for healthy relationship to be filled. Also I guess I am at an advantage because my therapist is Chrissy's therapist so she knows Chrissy is healthy. My therapist even made the comment that she can’t reveal personal information to me, but she would say that Chrissy is a good person.
Anyway, if anyone feels like somebody is too good to be true, you know what? You might be wrong! You may have come to a place where you are healthy enough for lots more water to seep in for a healthy relationship. I just say this because if this truly is a common fear then more people need to be told. I often wonder sometimes when people say that they wish they could be a little kid again. I don’t want to be one. When I was little the other little kids where nasty, my parents scared me shitless, and I couldn’t wait to grow up! Right now as I live and breathe, I believe the best age is thirty. I love it. When I was a child, life was pretty messed up as I said, as a teenager my life was turned up side down with new pressure like boys and getting into college, and my twenties were trying to settle into my adult body. Now I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and know what the heck I am doing! I am not saying that everything is going to be perfect and there won’t be sadness, but I think the torture is gone.
What is this fear you ask? Simple! It’s that my best friend Chrissy will get pissed off at me and we won’t be friends anymore. I mean I would really miss her now that I am beginning to trust her. We have three big things in common, we are both paranoid schizophrenics, we are both single over thirty women, and we hold bachelor’s degrees (which is special because most schizophrenic don’t finish college). We talk on the phone everyday almost. And we spend at least two weekends out of the month together. I would be lonely without her. I do have other friends that I do stuff with. I actually have three other friends here within thirty minutes of me. Also my friend Robin, who used to live here, calls me at least once a week from Virginia. To add to that, my followers know that I have friends back in Indiana and Chicago, but e – mail is kind of stale. Of course, I have all of you. It’s rather interesting this blogging thing. It’s kind of like an on – line support group. I can tell you guys anything, mostly, because I would probably never meet you in the real world, but more because you are all so understanding.
Well, anyway. I told my therapist that I was afraid that I would piss Chrissy off and she’d go away. My therapist told me that this is a common fear because little children can be hurtful! I have to realize that it has to do with my past and that it wasn’t anything I did when I was a little girl or a teenager that pissed off my friends, it was them! My therapist said that plus I had a low self esteem when I was young and she had the beautiful water description. She said that when you have low self esteem you’re at a lower level and you seep less water in a relationship. When you have a normal self esteem you seep way more water for healthy relationship to be filled. Also I guess I am at an advantage because my therapist is Chrissy's therapist so she knows Chrissy is healthy. My therapist even made the comment that she can’t reveal personal information to me, but she would say that Chrissy is a good person.
Anyway, if anyone feels like somebody is too good to be true, you know what? You might be wrong! You may have come to a place where you are healthy enough for lots more water to seep in for a healthy relationship. I just say this because if this truly is a common fear then more people need to be told. I often wonder sometimes when people say that they wish they could be a little kid again. I don’t want to be one. When I was little the other little kids where nasty, my parents scared me shitless, and I couldn’t wait to grow up! Right now as I live and breathe, I believe the best age is thirty. I love it. When I was a child, life was pretty messed up as I said, as a teenager my life was turned up side down with new pressure like boys and getting into college, and my twenties were trying to settle into my adult body. Now I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and know what the heck I am doing! I am not saying that everything is going to be perfect and there won’t be sadness, but I think the torture is gone.
Monday, June 14, 2010
For Nina
It’s one of my good friends and sister in Christ has birthday on the twenty – eight of this month. So I am dictating this to her. Nina has battled bipolar for many years and now her medicine just is not helping her! Her old psychiatrist retired and she is trying to get used to a new one while going through another low. Anyone of you that pray on this site, pray for Nina. And those who don’t send good universe energy out to her.
For Nina
By Amanda Robin
Nina loves her Savior with a love
That the devil can’t touch.
He is lifting her now
Into His mighty chest
And holding her
Saying Nobody is going
To hurt you
Not today.
Nina has friends that love her
Friends that won’t go away
Just because they can’t see
Her right now
Because we remember
The graceful love
She has for us.
Nina is beautiful
Like a butterfly.
Nina is kind
Like mother Angelica.
Nina is sweet
Like honey straight
From the comb.
Nina is smart
Like me.
Nina is caring
Just like Jesus.
Nina is creative
Like Pablo Pasco.
Nina is understanding
Like my first grade teacher
Nina is all this and more
That why I love her.
And why the great Almighty
Is delighted in His child
Nina.
For Nina
By Amanda Robin
Nina loves her Savior with a love
That the devil can’t touch.
He is lifting her now
Into His mighty chest
And holding her
Saying Nobody is going
To hurt you
Not today.
Nina has friends that love her
Friends that won’t go away
Just because they can’t see
Her right now
Because we remember
The graceful love
She has for us.
Nina is beautiful
Like a butterfly.
Nina is kind
Like mother Angelica.
Nina is sweet
Like honey straight
From the comb.
Nina is smart
Like me.
Nina is caring
Just like Jesus.
Nina is creative
Like Pablo Pasco.
Nina is understanding
Like my first grade teacher
Nina is all this and more
That why I love her.
And why the great Almighty
Is delighted in His child
Nina.
Monday, June 7, 2010
What I am proud of!
I am becoming more independent! Something trivial as being able to take care of ones owns money is a big step for me. You see when the government decided to grant me my social security; they decided that I couldn’t handle my own money so for the past nine years my Mom was my payee. What that means is my checks got directly deposited into an account that said Phyllis (our last name) for Amanda (last name again). My mom was responsible for making sure I spent my money wisely. Every year she had to fill out a Payee report on how much I spent for food, clothes, and entertainment. Now this doesn’t make sense because my parents are the ones going through bankruptcy, but that’s the way it was.
Now I think social security did this because when they accessed me to see if I was really disabled enough to receive social security benefits they had to talk to my psychiatrist. At that time I was going through my second mini schizophrenic break. My delusion at that time was that I was going to fly to Las Vegas, get off my meds. so I could be skinny, and become a prostitute. Now that doesn’t really seem logical because one my one month of social security might get me a plan ticket and maybe food and shelter for about three or four days! And second if, even now, I went off my medicine I could not focus enough to handle a job even it was being a prostitute. However, I can see this now because I have matured enough in my illness (after ten plus years of having it) to realize these things and it is probably one of the reason my doctor agreed to tell the government that now I can handle my own money.
I am trying to lose weight, but not in taking myself off my medicine. What I did was request to be put on a medicine for schizophrenia that doesn’t cause weight gain and am exercising and eating better (mostly not as much as I used too). And nope I don’t want to be a prostitute anymore. I am a person that is fascinated but sex. However, when I have sex, I want it to be more like making love that just an act! And I think the only reason I wanted to go to Las Vegas was one my parents wouldn’t find me and two prostitution is legal! Now to get away from my parents I go by one my friend’s house and turn off my cell phone and as you all know I am getting my own apartment. And no they won’t have a key!
Anyway, about a month ago I requested to become my own payee and like I said I had to have my psychiatrist tell them I could handle my own money. And therefore, since she agreed to do that for me, I feel more independent. The waiting on social security was hard. My American readers now how SLOOOOWWW our government is. Today I got a call from social security asking me if I had a personal account that I would like my social security checks to be directly deposited into and I was like am I my own payee. And I found out I was. It made me feel so proud.
No more waking up the day of the first and third of month to deposit money into my personal account for bills that are being taken out that day! My check will automatically go there! No more my Mom being able to borrow money without asking. I am free to do with my money what I want. Well, social security does tell me that I can’t save more money in the bank than two thousand dollars, but to me once I get two thousand dollars in the bank I am going to put a down payment on a car! For a normal person when you’re eighteen you either go off to college or get your first full – time job and you can spend your money however you want. But for me, I had to wait until my illness was stable, I had have a handle on my delusions, and my doctor had to feel that she agreed that the with my assessment of those two things had occurred. So maybe I don’t have a high paying career or a kid that just graduated kindergarten, but darn it, I am happy today because the government said I can handle my own money!
Now I think social security did this because when they accessed me to see if I was really disabled enough to receive social security benefits they had to talk to my psychiatrist. At that time I was going through my second mini schizophrenic break. My delusion at that time was that I was going to fly to Las Vegas, get off my meds. so I could be skinny, and become a prostitute. Now that doesn’t really seem logical because one my one month of social security might get me a plan ticket and maybe food and shelter for about three or four days! And second if, even now, I went off my medicine I could not focus enough to handle a job even it was being a prostitute. However, I can see this now because I have matured enough in my illness (after ten plus years of having it) to realize these things and it is probably one of the reason my doctor agreed to tell the government that now I can handle my own money.
I am trying to lose weight, but not in taking myself off my medicine. What I did was request to be put on a medicine for schizophrenia that doesn’t cause weight gain and am exercising and eating better (mostly not as much as I used too). And nope I don’t want to be a prostitute anymore. I am a person that is fascinated but sex. However, when I have sex, I want it to be more like making love that just an act! And I think the only reason I wanted to go to Las Vegas was one my parents wouldn’t find me and two prostitution is legal! Now to get away from my parents I go by one my friend’s house and turn off my cell phone and as you all know I am getting my own apartment. And no they won’t have a key!
Anyway, about a month ago I requested to become my own payee and like I said I had to have my psychiatrist tell them I could handle my own money. And therefore, since she agreed to do that for me, I feel more independent. The waiting on social security was hard. My American readers now how SLOOOOWWW our government is. Today I got a call from social security asking me if I had a personal account that I would like my social security checks to be directly deposited into and I was like am I my own payee. And I found out I was. It made me feel so proud.
No more waking up the day of the first and third of month to deposit money into my personal account for bills that are being taken out that day! My check will automatically go there! No more my Mom being able to borrow money without asking. I am free to do with my money what I want. Well, social security does tell me that I can’t save more money in the bank than two thousand dollars, but to me once I get two thousand dollars in the bank I am going to put a down payment on a car! For a normal person when you’re eighteen you either go off to college or get your first full – time job and you can spend your money however you want. But for me, I had to wait until my illness was stable, I had have a handle on my delusions, and my doctor had to feel that she agreed that the with my assessment of those two things had occurred. So maybe I don’t have a high paying career or a kid that just graduated kindergarten, but darn it, I am happy today because the government said I can handle my own money!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Growing, really?
In life there is a growing process. I am actually reading a book about heaven and how purgatory is not a place of punishment, but of growing. And I am all like, I want to stay in purgatory then! Anyway, that’s not what this is about. I am becoming more independent. Today my Mom must have said like six times why don’t we take the dog to Petsmart! I told her I wanted to go to the Y and work out. You see my goal right now is to lose another twenty – five pounds so that I can start fitting into the clothes at Old Navy again! And I can’t do that unless I exercise at least three times a week! So instead of doing what my Mom wanted to do, I did what I wanted to do. I mean a lot of times I just go with her because I like to talk to someone. However, since I am not isolating anymore, I have four friends that live near me that I can talk to anytime I want. Well, they have to be free to talk. I also wrote about my friend that is slowly becoming my best friend! She is one of the four, but more importantly I talk to her the most. And it’s not like talking with my Mom about relatives who put her down or who are better than her or whatever. We also don’t talk about how sucky the government is running things. I know some of my blog followers like to talk about politics, but it’s different with my Mom. It’s like there is no hope for America at ALL. You know I am actually going to call my almost new best friend tomorrow when I get out of Anxiety group while she is at the train station just to say goodbye because she is leaving for Memorial Day weekend to see her best friend from High School. I mean she is only going for four days and we are calling each other to say goodbye!
My Mom also, as I was eating dinner, kept saying to me the dog looks hot. Now we have air conditioning and if you stay in the living room (which the dog does when he is by himself because he watches PBS) then it’s really not hot at all. I mean if we had no air conditioning, when my Dad got home from work, I would have been all like let’s grab a hamburger and get that dog to some air conditioning. But I wanted to work out for me! No one else, but for the satisfaction of going to a normal clothing store, not Fashion Bug PLUS or the Avenue (Plus size store). I am not saying those stores aren’t normal. However, for one thing they rip overweight woman off. I saw a shirt at Fashion Bug Plus for about twenty – four dollars that, if I could get into one size smaller, I can get for about nine bucks at Old Navy! I mean I used to have a credit card to the Avenue and maxed that sucker out. I guess you know by now I love my clothes. Now I can go to the Salvation Army and get plus size clothes really cheap and it’s just a section not an ostracized store in the mall. However, sometimes a girl just wants the latest fashion cheap.
So you know what I did? Sorry gentlemen if I was losing you there! I told my Mom to drop me off at the Y and she could take our dog to Petsmart. We were both happy when we were done. I felt good from a workout. For those trying to get into working out, at first your muscles will scream, but after about a month it feels REALLY good when you work out! Just don’t do it too much! Know your limits. Anyway, my Mom had fun with our dog! Just to clear things up, my family only has one car. I mean I could have totally driven myself to the Y if I had my own car or if my parents didn’t share a car. But back to the story, my Mom talked and talked about Petsmart. Better than the world’s going to hell in a hand basket like usual.
‘
What really shows that I am independent is I didn’t have to go to the Y with her. I thought about it when I was done with the bikes. I go to the Y with her and we sit and talk while we ride the stationery bikes. However, after that our routines differ. I mean at the end of the workout sometimes we are lucky enough to get a tread mill close to each other and talk, but most of the time their way across the room! Anyway, I much rather watch the big screen T.V. while I am on the tread mill. It’s hanging on the wall at the Y. I was able to workout all by myself. Now it’s not just a big deal because I don’t like going places by myself, but because I feel self conscience. I feel like the fat girl at the Y. And when my Mom is at the Y with me, then I don’t think about it. However, when I caught my mind wondering over to the fact that the skinny girl on the next machine probably is wondering why I haven’t had a heart attack yet, I would say to myself that maybe that skinny girl may have started out like me. Maybe she’s been going to the Y for awhile and just goes now to keep the weight off and get that great feeling you have after you work out. And you know what? I also distracted myself by checking out the guys in the weight area that I can strategically see with the help of the mirrors around. Just so you gentlemen know, it’s not the muscle men that make me self conscience! It’s those skinny chicks!
Anyway, I am proud that I accomplish a long term goal all by myself. Maybe you can say that I accomplished several long term goals in one night. Independence is a beautiful thing. I think it’s important for anyone trying to live with a mental illness. We don’t live in asylums anymore. God gave us this wonderful meds, that the psychiatrist is not even sure of why it works, so that we can get up from the couch and go watch animals in the park or have jobs or go work out.
My Mom also, as I was eating dinner, kept saying to me the dog looks hot. Now we have air conditioning and if you stay in the living room (which the dog does when he is by himself because he watches PBS) then it’s really not hot at all. I mean if we had no air conditioning, when my Dad got home from work, I would have been all like let’s grab a hamburger and get that dog to some air conditioning. But I wanted to work out for me! No one else, but for the satisfaction of going to a normal clothing store, not Fashion Bug PLUS or the Avenue (Plus size store). I am not saying those stores aren’t normal. However, for one thing they rip overweight woman off. I saw a shirt at Fashion Bug Plus for about twenty – four dollars that, if I could get into one size smaller, I can get for about nine bucks at Old Navy! I mean I used to have a credit card to the Avenue and maxed that sucker out. I guess you know by now I love my clothes. Now I can go to the Salvation Army and get plus size clothes really cheap and it’s just a section not an ostracized store in the mall. However, sometimes a girl just wants the latest fashion cheap.
So you know what I did? Sorry gentlemen if I was losing you there! I told my Mom to drop me off at the Y and she could take our dog to Petsmart. We were both happy when we were done. I felt good from a workout. For those trying to get into working out, at first your muscles will scream, but after about a month it feels REALLY good when you work out! Just don’t do it too much! Know your limits. Anyway, my Mom had fun with our dog! Just to clear things up, my family only has one car. I mean I could have totally driven myself to the Y if I had my own car or if my parents didn’t share a car. But back to the story, my Mom talked and talked about Petsmart. Better than the world’s going to hell in a hand basket like usual.
‘
What really shows that I am independent is I didn’t have to go to the Y with her. I thought about it when I was done with the bikes. I go to the Y with her and we sit and talk while we ride the stationery bikes. However, after that our routines differ. I mean at the end of the workout sometimes we are lucky enough to get a tread mill close to each other and talk, but most of the time their way across the room! Anyway, I much rather watch the big screen T.V. while I am on the tread mill. It’s hanging on the wall at the Y. I was able to workout all by myself. Now it’s not just a big deal because I don’t like going places by myself, but because I feel self conscience. I feel like the fat girl at the Y. And when my Mom is at the Y with me, then I don’t think about it. However, when I caught my mind wondering over to the fact that the skinny girl on the next machine probably is wondering why I haven’t had a heart attack yet, I would say to myself that maybe that skinny girl may have started out like me. Maybe she’s been going to the Y for awhile and just goes now to keep the weight off and get that great feeling you have after you work out. And you know what? I also distracted myself by checking out the guys in the weight area that I can strategically see with the help of the mirrors around. Just so you gentlemen know, it’s not the muscle men that make me self conscience! It’s those skinny chicks!
Anyway, I am proud that I accomplish a long term goal all by myself. Maybe you can say that I accomplished several long term goals in one night. Independence is a beautiful thing. I think it’s important for anyone trying to live with a mental illness. We don’t live in asylums anymore. God gave us this wonderful meds, that the psychiatrist is not even sure of why it works, so that we can get up from the couch and go watch animals in the park or have jobs or go work out.
Monday, May 17, 2010
My Zen Place
My Zen Place
By Amanda Robin
No one every explained
Or maybe I should have
Got off my sorry butt
And looked through
A book.
I didn’t know that
My Zen Place
Could be my
God center of Being
You see last Monday
Was in my book
One of the best days
Of my life!
I went to a program
Where I really didn’t
Pay much attention.
But then like an angel
From Heaven
This ordinarily beautiful
Nun informed me
My God Center of Being
Could be my Zen place!
By Amanda Robin
No one every explained
Or maybe I should have
Got off my sorry butt
And looked through
A book.
I didn’t know that
My Zen Place
Could be my
God center of Being
You see last Monday
Was in my book
One of the best days
Of my life!
I went to a program
Where I really didn’t
Pay much attention.
But then like an angel
From Heaven
This ordinarily beautiful
Nun informed me
My God Center of Being
Could be my Zen place!
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