Sunday, April 26, 2009

Who am I

Hello Everyone. I am new at this so we shall see how it goes. I am a twenty - nine year old woman living with Schizophrenia. My attempt with this blog is to share my experiences and educate people. I truly believe with all my heart that I couldn't have done it with out my Lord, Jesus Christ. With that I will explain how this all started.
When I was nineteen years old and in my second year of college, I was in an abusive relationship. Many times people are predestined for a mental illness and something triggers it. It usually happens between late teens and early twenties. I had been to church in a very long time. My friends had noticed something wrong with me. However, my help first came with my Lord. I want to make myself right with him. I went to Reconciliation and in celebrating that sacrament the priest said to me it sounds like I was raped. He is only one of three that know what happened that last night with my partner. I knew I had to do something and two of my friends had clinical depression. Like I said my friends knew there was something wrong with me, I wasn't sleeping, eating, or bathing. I was more concerned, though, with what had happened in my love life. One of my dear friends who has clinical depression took me to the free mental health clinic on campus. I should have told them then that I was having suicidal thoughts, but I didn't. The gave me an appointment for two weeks later. I mostly wanted to know how to deal with an abusive relationship.
Well, my body wouldn't let me wait two weeks. My mind started playing tricks on me. The most significant thing that happened was in my organic chemistry class. It was a very simple lab and I had no idea what I was doing. I broke half of the equipment I was using and almost caused explosion. I was very good with Chemistry so this was very unusual for me. Another event was that I was playing a child's board game with my roommate and her friend and I didn't know the answer to the easy questions. I started realizing something was happening to me.
In the beginning of November of 1999 I felt increasingly like I couldn't trust anyone. Then I encountered my guardian angel. Now many of you know that schizophrenics can have hallucinations, but this was different. It was the day I would later try to kill myself. I was walking in my dorm and I saw a beautiful older African - American gentlemen and he told me that I could trust my Dad. I didn't know why, but that made me feel better.
That night, the night I was going to kill myself is a blur. My bowling friends said that I told them I wasn't going bowling, but was going to go to a sorority function. My sisters said that I told them I was going bowing. I wrote two letters that night. One to my then ex abusive partner talking about my love. Then to one of my close friends I wrote a letter about leaving this earth. I got in my car and was ready to drive it into a wall. Before I even started the car something in my mind told me not to. As a miracle, if I had started the car, it wouldn't have worked because the battery was dead. I thought, "My God I have to get the hospital."
I went back to my dorm room and called the crisis line from the free clinic on campus. I was connected right away to a psychiatrist. He told me that he would get someone to take me to the hospital which was only a ten minute walk from my dorm. My R.A. knocked on my door about five minutes later. I was still talking to the doctor. The doctor asked if he could talk to her. She took me to the hospital and waited with me.
I did not want to go into the hospital. I had never had any experience with a mental illness. My fear was that I was going to a strange and awful place. When someone says they are going to commit suicide under most state laws including Indiana where I was going to school, a person must be court order if they won't go willingly. That is what happened to me! My R.A. walked me to the mental health unit and I was escorted by four uniform police officers. I had remembered what my guardian angel said about trusting my Dad and I told the nurses on the mental health unit to talk to my Dad.
It was very hard in the hospital. I tried to "escape" three times. However, being so sick I didn't really make good attempts. Each time I did they called my Dad and my Dad talked to me. Finally, the only person I could turn to was Jesus. And that day I gave my heart to my Lord and Savior. I am not saying my Dad didn't help. However, I needed something bigger, something cosmic. I needed a higher power.
My road since then has been very hard and I will write more about my illness in the coming blogs. I hope someone reads this and it helps them! Ciao for now!


  1. Amanda,

    I am so happy that you have started a blog! If you are looking to drive more traffic to your blog, you can try to comment on other blogs and invite them to read yours. Anyway, I look forward to reading more.

  2. Hi Amanda,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I appreciate that. You sound like a really nice person.

    Believing in a higher power was an important part of why I started to get better and so I can definitely understand why you've embraced Christianity. Many of us need to believe that there is a benevolent force that explains or counteracts our more painful experiences. I believe in a higher power or order, but I don't yet follow any particular religion, though I'm thinking about returning to the study of Buddhism. I just began a good book on the Buddha tonight and hope to continue reading it and maybe discuss it in my blog.

    Good luck with this blog. I hope you get a bunch of readers. I'm glad you found our little web ring. I'll keep in touch,

    Kate : )

  3. Hey Kate,

    Buddhism is a really cool religon. I take bits and pieces of it. Don't get me wrong, my Jesus is my bride groom. However, I believe in engeries. Have you ever heard of touch field therapy? It has to do with shakeras (not sure how to spell)! You tap on certain parts of your body and calms you down. Also I believe in the life force of the universe. Just instead of that life force being nameless, I think it's my God! I would like to hear about the book your reading so I do hope you put it on your blog. You are right you do need a life force bigger than ourself. It's the only way I get through. I mean to know there is a purpose. I believe mine is to help other sicker people with mental illness than me. In the county where I live I am in a special orginaztion that helps make laws and determines where monies go to help the mentally ill. I hope you have or will find your purpose.

  4. Hi Amanda
    It sounds like you've been through some tough times, but are working your way through it. So lovely to read about your close ties with your parents, which can be rare these days... All the best with your recovery, keep shining - Lil xx

  5. Hi Lil xx,
    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Yes, I been through a lot, but I have accomplished a lot too. I thank my Lord for that. And yes he blessed me with two wonderful parents that are a big part of my recovery. Maybe I'll stop by your blog and see your story!