Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I choose me, is it the right decision?

Well, I choose me. I don’t know if you all got that from my poem. My poetry is not always about me, but that last post was about me. I have always been obsessed about love. I can remember being thirteen and thinkging a young boy in my Sunday school class was the only one for me. It continued for as long as I can remember. I mean that should have taught me something, there must have been at least ten people in my life already that I thought were the only ones for me. God keeps placing people in my life. And you know what I do? Instead of getting to know them, I jump off the deep end and start fantasizing! The qualities I want in a person just seem to magically appear in this person. When, if I actually listened to them or really got to know them without thinking about what my wedding dress was going to look like, I would realize I was just seeing what I wanted to see.

So there is this guy in my Stress Management Group. It’s a group therapy, I attend on Tuesday evening. And I would feel all flustered and make little plans to talk to him after wards. And I talked to my therapist about it two weeks ago and she said I really am getting a lot out of the group. You know, like besides Mr. Hottie, I was learning stuff that would help me deal with stress. Just so you know most groups run at the clinic I go to, you’re not allowed to date people in the group. So essentially what the topic turned to was shouldn’t I just be good friends with Mr. Hottie and stay in group? I thought about it for a whole week and decided that I choose me, that me getting something out of Stress Management was more important than some guy. I mean I still want to be his friend and learn more about him and maybe in the future pursue a relationship that is deeper. However, for now I just want to focus on the group not what I am going to say to him when we walk from the group room to the outside.

Today was my first group since I made this decision. I didn’t really feel sad that I decided not to be flirty. I did feel an attraction still, but I realized it was more of a physical thing. And the only thing I keep thinking now is “Did I miss my chance?” Which is really stupid because I said at beginning of this post I should have learned by now there are many people in which I have felt were the only ones for me, so in theory another person will come along soon enough. I feel sometimes like I am too old to be looking for someone, that I should already be married by now. And the thing that fuels this fire is a lot of my friends, that are the same age as me, are already married.

However, the thing is thirty isn’t old. I just talked to my therapist Monday about wanting to see who’s out there and dating different people. She says I am not too old and generally she knows what she is talking about. My best friend is forty and she’s still looking. She told me her sister got married for the first time at forty. I also have another friend who didn’t get married for the first time until she was thirty - six and she’s pretty happy. I remember once I asked one of my friends who was in her late thirty if she ever felt sad that she wasn’t married yet and you know what she said? My friend said, “I dated a lot of jerks in the past so I am happy I am single and not married to a jerk.” I really need to work on this whole, it’s all or nothing thing!

Friday, September 10, 2010

I choose me

I want to apologize to my avid blogger readers. I should have posted last week, but my Dad’s been on vacation now since the second. We’ve been doing a lot of fun stuff. However, I did miss you guys. Just wanted you to know I wasn’t sick or anything bad so no worries.

I choose me
By Amanda Robin

In span of my life
I have always picked
From the bucket
Of choices
Love of another person.

I am still hopelessly
But sometimes
The romance
Lies with in
One’s own self.

Those people we’ve
Looked up to
From far away
Say you have to love
Yourself first
And I do.

However, sometimes
In the bucket
You have to continue
choosing you.

Just because I am
In the right state of mind
Doesn’t mean romance
Comes without torns.

Sometimes the choice
In front of us
Is what is best for me
Not am I ready.

Sometimes even though
It might be a healthy
It comprises something
For me.

I was faced with that
Choice from the bucket.
I could choose a healthy
Relationship and
Lose something important,
Or I could choose me.
And I choose me!