Saturday, June 27, 2009

Sexuality (ohh getting serious)

I know some about my diagnosis because I try to understand my illness. However, there is some things I don't get. Like, for example, everyone says that I do so well. I feel like all I do is live and be happy. Then when I was filling out my application for TSA and my therapist wrote my diagnosis down, she said that it was Paranoid Schizophrenia. Then my therapist commented on the severity of my diagnosis. I never knew that there were varying degrees of Schizophrenia, let alone I had one of the worst!

Anyway, that's not really what this weeks blog is about. I am leading up to it. One of the lesser things that I am diagnosed with is a sexual identity issue. I don't know if that started when my brain formed and I started getting the Schizophrenia or if I was always like that. I do know that I did have a crush on my eleventh grade English literature teacher that was a woman, but when I fully came out of the closet it was about two months before I was court order to a mental health unit.

My problem is that the only label I can place on myself is bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. However, sometimes this confuses me. I didn't fully understand what that confusion was about. However, I had two therapist tell me that I shouldn't worry about the diagnosis of having a sexual identity issue because homosexuality is not a mental health issue. Then, just recently I decided to ask the psychiatrist. Mostly because the psychiatrist I had for about four years never had time for me. The psychiatrist I have been seeing now since January is a lot like another special psychiatrist that I had. Anyway, I asked her and she said that homosexuality is completely normal. The reason I have the diagnosis of a sexual identity is because I have issues with it!

It's true. I do have issues. One day I wake up and I think all day about being with a woman. Then you know what happens? I see a hot guy and think man, I would like to do him. I been over this many times. I am attracted to men's body. Everything! His hair, his eyes, his mouth, his butt... With women it's different. I like a woman for her inner beauty. It's more of a spiritual thing with women. So my dilemma is do I go for sex or a inner connection! And why the hell can't I have both?

Just to be fair, I have had two serious relationship in my life. One was with a young man when I was in college who was the BEST boyfriend anyone could ask for. The other was just after I came out of the closet. It was the worst relationship one could imagine. I won't go into detail, but I always say that no one can tell me there isn't a devil because I slept with her! So I guess what I am saying is, first off, I don't have much experience. Two, I have polar examples.

I know I have people who read this so I am happy. I guess I am looking for advice, criticism, and understanding. Thanks for listening. Keep fighting. And love like you'll die tomorrow!

Saturday, June 20, 2009


We are afraid of a lot of things in this world. I know people with mental illnesses (including myself) that are afraid when the wake up. I know of people who are afraid of dying. I used to have phobia about plants. What makes this fear? Is it because we don't believe there is greater, bigger plan. Can one function without knowing there is something bigger than one's self?

I know people who spend their life in fear. I also know people that have given themselves over to a higher power and do lots better. It's really a lonely world out there. Do we want to spend it all by ourselves. I know many get from my blog that I am Christian. However, I can't knock anyone's religion because I believe all religion is helpful. I guess I am knocking the atheists.

You know, though, I once was an Anthropology major for a while and I know that the human animal is so afraid of death they have to believe in a power higher than themselves. My prof. told me that even if someone says they don't believe in God that they still do somewhere in the back of their mind.

Mental illness is hard enough, but to fear that you have to handle all this shit alone would be awful. Not having someone that would ALWAYS listen would be awful. Not knowing that our pain helps the universe some how would be awful.

Fear can be relieved in four little words: "Jesus take the Wheel." Again it really doesn't have to be Christian. If you give your fear over to some higher power, trust me, you will feel a whole lot better.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Be Merciful to Me Lord
By Amanda Robin
When I cry in mental anguish
because my thoughts keep going
without end.
Be merciful
When I cry in mental anguish
because the voices are laugh
just like little demons in my head
Be merciful
When I cry in mental anguish
because I feel like dragging
a jagged edged blade
across my wrist
Be merciful.
When I cry in mental anguish
because you are the only thing
between me and hell of pain
of never waking up.
Be merciful.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Physical illness messes with a mental status

I am a little late in writing my blog. I wanted to keep it up every week. However, last week I was on vacation and now I am home with a physical illnesses. I have always been allergic to nature, but God has a sense of humor. I can remember being thirteen years old and coming home covered in mud because I love the outdoors. Our vacation was camping in St. Regis Falls New York. You would think I would stay in the cabin. NO! I had to go hiking, looking for firewood, and building my first fire all by myself. No just to be clear, I don't think that God made me sick, I have never thought that! It's my own stupidity of not knowing when enough is enough! That and I probably should have bathed every time I came in from the outside like the allergist told me to do when I was a little girl!

Anyway, this is leading somewhere! Promise! Before I feel physically really bad my mental illness kicks up and I get what my Mom would call "moody." So that actual physical illness itself sets off my brain chemistry. Does anyone else find this to be so? Also once I give in and go to the medical doctor and they give me an antibiotic that messes with my meds. I am not sure about copy right laws and everything so I won't mention the name of the antibiotic, but there is one that interferes with my anti - sciatic. Most meds do effect me, but this particular one actually plays with what my Schizophrenia. They all do, though, in a way.

What happens when I get sick physically is that it messes with my birth control (my male visitors don't have this problem) then I get feelings like I want to hurt myself. I have what GYNO call PSDD. I basically don't get PMS, I get depressed. Sometimes the reason I deal with the moodiness my Mom describes it because I know the antibiotic will do worse.

It's funny how are body is all connected. I think we can help ourselves by taking care of our body. I am not some kind of hippy that believes in herbal medicine or anything. I am just saying that if we don't treat our body right it effects more than just our body. Everything is connected!