A common FEAR!

O.k. This is the thing! I go to my therapist today and I want to talk about something I feel weird about. I had talked to another therapist about this when I was at the day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I don’t know if my followers and those reading this know, but from 2004 to 2006 I was at a day treatment facility where we did three one hour group therapies three days a week! On top of that we saw our individual therapists for an hour a week. It was pretty intense. However, I learned a lot! The most important being was that I don’t have to LIVE with my PARENTS for the rest of my life, which can’t happen away because they will eventually leave this world. Anyway, the therapist at the day treatment facility, she said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is true about this fear. However, my therapist now, said that what I had was a common fear! I am thinking finally. Something that didn’t just happen because my uniquely screwed up family or the shafted genes I got.

What is this fear you ask? Simple! It’s that my best friend Chrissy will get pissed off at me and we won’t be friends anymore. I mean I would really miss her now that I am beginning to trust her. We have three big things in common, we are both paranoid schizophrenics, we are both single over thirty women, and we hold bachelor’s degrees (which is special because most schizophrenic don’t finish college). We talk on the phone everyday almost. And we spend at least two weekends out of the month together. I would be lonely without her. I do have other friends that I do stuff with. I actually have three other friends here within thirty minutes of me. Also my friend Robin, who used to live here, calls me at least once a week from Virginia. To add to that, my followers know that I have friends back in Indiana and Chicago, but e – mail is kind of stale. Of course, I have all of you. It’s rather interesting this blogging thing. It’s kind of like an on – line support group. I can tell you guys anything, mostly, because I would probably never meet you in the real world, but more because you are all so understanding.

Well, anyway. I told my therapist that I was afraid that I would piss Chrissy off and she’d go away. My therapist told me that this is a common fear because little children can be hurtful! I have to realize that it has to do with my past and that it wasn’t anything I did when I was a little girl or a teenager that pissed off my friends, it was them! My therapist said that plus I had a low self esteem when I was young and she had the beautiful water description. She said that when you have low self esteem you’re at a lower level and you seep less water in a relationship. When you have a normal self esteem you seep way more water for healthy relationship to be filled. Also I guess I am at an advantage because my therapist is Chrissy's therapist so she knows Chrissy is healthy. My therapist even made the comment that she can’t reveal personal information to me, but she would say that Chrissy is a good person.

Anyway, if anyone feels like somebody is too good to be true, you know what? You might be wrong! You may have come to a place where you are healthy enough for lots more water to seep in for a healthy relationship. I just say this because if this truly is a common fear then more people need to be told. I often wonder sometimes when people say that they wish they could be a little kid again. I don’t want to be one. When I was little the other little kids where nasty, my parents scared me shitless, and I couldn’t wait to grow up! Right now as I live and breathe, I believe the best age is thirty. I love it. When I was a child, life was pretty messed up as I said, as a teenager my life was turned up side down with new pressure like boys and getting into college, and my twenties were trying to settle into my adult body. Now I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and know what the heck I am doing! I am not saying that everything is going to be perfect and there won’t be sadness, but I think the torture is gone.

For Nina

It’s one of my good friends and sister in Christ has birthday on the twenty – eight of this month. So I am dictating this to her. Nina has battled bipolar for many years and now her medicine just is not helping her! Her old psychiatrist retired and she is trying to get used to a new one while going through another low. Anyone of you that pray on this site, pray for Nina. And those who don’t send good universe energy out to her.

For Nina
By Amanda Robin

Nina loves her Savior with a love
That the devil can’t touch.
He is lifting her now
Into His mighty chest
And holding her
Saying Nobody is going
To hurt you
Not today.

Nina has friends that love her
Friends that won’t go away
Just because they can’t see
Her right now
Because we remember
The graceful love
She has for us.

Nina is beautiful
Like a butterfly.
Nina is kind
Like mother Angelica.
Nina is sweet
Like honey straight
From the comb.
Nina is smart
Like me.
Nina is caring
Just like Jesus.
Nina is creative
Like Pablo Pasco.
Nina is understanding
Like my first grade teacher

Nina is all this and more
That why I love her.
And why the great Almighty
Is delighted in His child
Nina.

What I am proud of!

I am becoming more independent! Something trivial as being able to take care of ones owns money is a big step for me. You see when the government decided to grant me my social security; they decided that I couldn’t handle my own money so for the past nine years my Mom was my payee. What that means is my checks got directly deposited into an account that said Phyllis (our last name) for Amanda (last name again). My mom was responsible for making sure I spent my money wisely. Every year she had to fill out a Payee report on how much I spent for food, clothes, and entertainment. Now this doesn’t make sense because my parents are the ones going through bankruptcy, but that’s the way it was.

Now I think social security did this because when they accessed me to see if I was really disabled enough to receive social security benefits they had to talk to my psychiatrist. At that time I was going through my second mini schizophrenic break. My delusion at that time was that I was going to fly to Las Vegas, get off my meds. so I could be skinny, and become a prostitute. Now that doesn’t really seem logical because one my one month of social security might get me a plan ticket and maybe food and shelter for about three or four days! And second if, even now, I went off my medicine I could not focus enough to handle a job even it was being a prostitute. However, I can see this now because I have matured enough in my illness (after ten plus years of having it) to realize these things and it is probably one of the reason my doctor agreed to tell the government that now I can handle my own money.

I am trying to lose weight, but not in taking myself off my medicine. What I did was request to be put on a medicine for schizophrenia that doesn’t cause weight gain and am exercising and eating better (mostly not as much as I used too). And nope I don’t want to be a prostitute anymore. I am a person that is fascinated but sex. However, when I have sex, I want it to be more like making love that just an act! And I think the only reason I wanted to go to Las Vegas was one my parents wouldn’t find me and two prostitution is legal! Now to get away from my parents I go by one my friend’s house and turn off my cell phone and as you all know I am getting my own apartment. And no they won’t have a key!

Anyway, about a month ago I requested to become my own payee and like I said I had to have my psychiatrist tell them I could handle my own money. And therefore, since she agreed to do that for me, I feel more independent. The waiting on social security was hard. My American readers now how SLOOOOWWW our government is. Today I got a call from social security asking me if I had a personal account that I would like my social security checks to be directly deposited into and I was like am I my own payee. And I found out I was. It made me feel so proud.

No more waking up the day of the first and third of month to deposit money into my personal account for bills that are being taken out that day! My check will automatically go there! No more my Mom being able to borrow money without asking. I am free to do with my money what I want. Well, social security does tell me that I can’t save more money in the bank than two thousand dollars, but to me once I get two thousand dollars in the bank I am going to put a down payment on a car! For a normal person when you’re eighteen you either go off to college or get your first full – time job and you can spend your money however you want. But for me, I had to wait until my illness was stable, I had have a handle on my delusions, and my doctor had to feel that she agreed that the with my assessment of those two things had occurred. So maybe I don’t have a high paying career or a kid that just graduated kindergarten, but darn it, I am happy today because the government said I can handle my own money!