Friday, February 26, 2010

Why do I get too emtional?

Hello Everyone! To my faithful blogging buddies and the occasionals that stop by I would like to ask your forgiveness on how long it has taken me to write this blog. My computer was down (still is) and I have bronchitis. Please keep stopping by, though.

What I would like to talk about to today is my emotional reactions! I don’t know if it’s because I “stuff” my feelings, I am an overly passionate person, or if it has something to do with my mental illness. I can totally see the stuffing of emotion. Most of the time, in life, when something bothers me I don’t show it. This causes me to feel abused by people when they don’t even know they are hurting me. I really need to speak up! I know a lot of my followers know what DBT is (and if you don’t I can do a blog on that). Anyway, I been through it now, I believe, seven times. In short it teaches a person to express their emotions and do what is best for them, not the other person. However, it does it in such a way that you are getting heard not criticizing someone. I sit in DBT and everyone says I know it like the back of my hand. I just have to put it into practice. One of the reason I can see this happening is because when I don’t say anything it builds and builds, finally just blowing up. My body can’t take all that stored emotion. It’s not healthy. I think what I need to do is ask God to give me courage to speak up. Will you all pray for me to do that?

I can also see it being because I am a passionate person. When I love, I love with my whole heart. When I take on cause, I see it to the end. I don’t help someone half way. I can still remembering being a little girl and balling my eyes out because my parents’ friends told me point blank animals don’t have a soul (I am not here to argue that so don’t write me about animals and souls). Anyway, I was so crushed. I thought the whole world dependent on the fact that they believe me that my little doggies were going to heaven. I can say that I have grown a lot because just a year ago I saw the same couple, now in their sixties, on a day trip with my parents. This sixty something year old couple has grown close to us over the years and I feel like they are my grandparents which is why I came with. However, I think they like to argue with whoever, wherever, and they said point blank to my face that Obama was a communist (again this is to illustrate a point, my blog is not political so please don’t make that your focus). You know what I did? I just looked at the two of them and said that I plead the fifth (which is freedom not to comment). I didn’t feel like they are going to get half of America to not reelect Obama. They are just two older people that are very much loved by my family. It did hurt, and learning from what I just wrote in my pervious paragraph, I should have said how it hurt me. Not anything to do with Obama, but that they would attack a certain political figure because they know it would hurt me. However, maybe because I didn’t say anything is why they didn’t know they were hurting me. So I guess I answered my first question about if it was because I was “stuffing” it or being passionate. It seems the two are tied together.

Now about my mental illness. Why I can see this is because I just had a toxic conversation with my Mom. Before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I could just yell back at her and get all my feeling out, but today I cried. However, as I am writing this I am wondering is yelling really all that much better then crying. I do have to tell you all that early in my diagnosis when I would get in fights with my Mom, the crying would turn into me wanting to hurt myself. That’s just not right. My Distress Tolerance Skills (see I use some of my DBT) helps me to calm down once the moment passes so I don’t stay in emotion mind. I am just wondering if yelling is all that good either. I mean what if I didn’t carry a diagnosis? What if I graduated my first college with my B.S. in genetics going on all the way to get my PhD, married my “dream man,” and had already popped out a couple kids. Would when one of my kids did something inappropriate, would it be appropriate for me to scream at my children? Now, I know some of you are parents and I know that is very proper to raise your voice to a child. However, discipline and going “nuts” with an emotional scream feast are two very different things.

Maybe this gets to another point? Maybe it’s how I was raised. To live in a pretend world where you’re pretending to be happy until it gets too much and then you scream or cry! Mixed with my mental illness and the fact that I am passionate doesn’t not do well for me “stuffing” my emotion. Courage. Let’s try that.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My soulmate

A Man in My Mist
by Amanda Robin

My Lord, I don't know
I saw a man today
Just like you gently
Whispered in my ear
That I would find.

My Lord, I don't know
This man had a honey
Soft voice,
Beautiful hands,
Nice hair
(always loved hair),
And was kind,
And sweet.

My Lord, I don't know
But he was right where
You said he would be.

My Lord, I don't know
Because I am trembling
Like a leaf.
Scared to dream,
Scared to believe,
And Scared I am wrong.

My Lord, I don't know
But you know
So please give me
Your wisdom,
and Patience
In the this delicate

I love you God
Your servant,


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Who do we indetify with?

Maybe this comes on the heals of the Superbowl. Many Americans identify themselves as football fans. I know some of my reader are not from the United States, but every country has some sort of sport that they feel connected to! Many of my readers are religious and we identify ourselves as Christian. Another group of my readers are very talented and identify themselves are artists. Anyway, I think society has us put ourselves in little groups.

What I want to know is there such a group as mentally ill people? One of my favorite therapists, who is remember now through a memorial fund she set up for the board I am on, said, "Remember you all are not mentally ill people. You are people who happen to have a mental illness!" It's so easy, though, to go to group therapy, go to sheltered work, and then go home to an apartment program for the mentally ill. I have lived that life from 2005 to 2006 and I just wanted to scream.

People sometimes wonder why people with mental illness aren't accepted in society. However, sometimes we don't accept society. When your that sick, it's hard to vulnerable, and it's easier with people that understand. They understand that sometimes you get so stressed you hallucinate, cry, and withdraw. It's easier to tell a friend that knows how hard is to get out of bed that morning that you couldn't met her for coffee because that day you choose not too. It's easier to explain to someone who knows why big concert are kind of scary to someone that feels the same way.

Today I went to the mall with one of my good friends and every time we got up from sitting down she had to check things three or four times to make sure she didn't leave anything. I didn't care, in fact, I helped her by checking for her because she would believe me over her own eyes. She also understood why I had to leave after two hours because I needed to take a nap. However, it's also nice to join the rest of the world sometimes. Sometimes it's nice not to think about "how does this make you feel," and "what would be the DBT skill."

So my question to you is. Do you think there is a culture of mentally ill people or maybe it just takes time and we cross between two worlds?