Tuesday, May 3, 2011

"The past can not hold me. I am free to live in the present with joy and gratitude.

My goodness I been gone an awfully long time. I hope you all still want to read what Lady Amanda has to say! I been physically sick for a while and then mentally sick. No hospital stays, though. And during Lent I was saying a lot of prayers. I hope to getting back to updating this weekly.

Well, the past can not hold me. I am free to live in the present with joy and gratitude. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. However, with ever friendship I have or relationship, I keeping thinking about the past. The worst is my roommate’s friends moved in next door! It really shouldn’t be a big deal, but one of my roommate’s friends (now living next door to us) is my old roommate. Or as I like to call her, my roommate from hell! I was worried she would be over here all the time and I would feel uncomfortable, but she hardly comes over here at all! I feel bad for Karen (my roommate now). Karen says Amber (my roommate from hell) doesn’t come over because she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. Well, I remember having boyfriends and I still my time for my gal pals! Five minutes just to drop by would be kosher.

Now the problem over my head, since we move in January, Karen and I have been watching two and half men ever night (Monday through Friday) at six. All the sudden she doesn’t want to watch two and a half men. She told me that she’s nervous trying to get home at the time. But you know what she does? Most of the time she’s here! It’s just weird. I keep thinking in head back to when I was in college and my roommate in college found another friend. They would do everything together and leave me out. Now I have no contact with my roommate from college. Now that’s really kind of unfair to compare Karen with my roommate from college. My roommate from college even said to me on the phone before we even met, “Is it cool with you if we hang out because I don’t know anybody else. At least until we make other friends?” Now Karen already had friends when I become her roommate so she never hung out with me just because there was no else. Also many of our mutual friends that I had with my roommate from college said that she couldn’t handle my mental illness. Karen has a major mental illness like me. So when she says about being nervous it could really be true. I wouldn’t want her to have a panic attack or something just to watch a show with me. Also I think she’s a little down because Amber doesn’t come over.

Also I question my best friend Chrissy. I worry all the time when she is going to get tired of me. And I worry that I can’t be friends a guy. My therapist wants me to work on making guy friends. You see, I told you all I was bisexual, but I compartmentalize the two sexes. Men are for physical love and woman are for emotional love, in my head anyway! So my therapist wants me to just have guy friends and realize guys can be emotional too. It’s kind of scary to me. I want to be friends with this guy in my group therapy. However, I feel like if I ask him for his phone number, he will think I am asking him out.

I don’t know if we ever really escape our past. But we must make the wounds turn into scars. Wounds hurt like hell when you touch them! Scars are just a reminder to be careful!