Friday, April 23, 2010

Out of confusion comes Clarity

Clarity, Really?
By Amanda Robin

I wonder through the vast
Streets of life and wonder
Where the heck is this
Should I turn left?
Maybe I will meet my end
That way?
Should I turn right?
Maybe happiness lies
That way?
I trudge on keeping
The same pace and path.

If I do the same thing
All the time,
Won’t I end up with
The same result?

I am scared,
Heart broken,
And defiantly
Not going the right way.

Yes, I choose the Lord
To guide me,
But He gave me
This funny thing.
You may have heart of it!
It’s called Free Will.

Yes, eventually all my paths
Will lead to exactly the same
However, with this funny thing
Called free will.
I have a choice.

A choice to be happy,
A choice to struggle for
What’s right,
A choice to go and live
My life.

From this moment on
With the Lord at my side,
I am going to make life better.
I am going to truly live.
If someone asks me to dance,
I will dance.
If someone invites me to
Fight for a cause
I believe in,
I am going to take it on
With my whole heart.
If someone ask me
To be there friend,
I will be to the end.
I am going to laugh more,
Cry more,
And live more.

Because you know what?
This is the only life we got!
Yes, one day I will be
In heaven with my Lord
And it will be beyond anything
However, God put me here
For a reason!
And I intend to find out
What that reason is.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What about a soul mate?

First of all, I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates. It comes from a Wiccan idea that there were people of one soul living on some planet not our own. Then they were placed on earth, but separated. A male and female soul and the only way that a person could go on to the next life would be to find their other half of their souls. I don’t believe this for the obvious reason I am a Christian and even lesser obvious that right now I am practicing Catholicism which means would unmarried priest go to hell? In my heart the real reason I don’t believe this is because, as I have shared before, I am bisexual! If I found a woman who I really loved and thought was my perfect partner than could she be my soul mate, even though she wasn’t the other male half of my soul? I mean the chick that will always have my heart, but I never date because I know how commitmentophobe she really is, is VERY BUTCH! However, my “best lesbian friend” as I like to call her is still a woman! If she wasn’t a woman, I don’t think I would find her quite so sexy! And just an aside, when I tried to kill myself in November of 1999, she is the one I wrote my suicide letter to!

Now having said all that, I think I really need a life partner! It could be a woman or a man. It’s just that I am very lonely. Now I know I have to be happy with myself first and I think I am. I stayed in DBT long enough to conquer my final “frontier” of being able to say no to my Mom. My DBT homework was on how I didn’t help her with the bankruptcy case. And may I add another aside? I think my parents did quite well. I mean they aren’t officially done, but they went to court yesterday and the judge approved their right to file! Anyway, I still want to get my own apartment and be a little more independent before some guy wants to put a ring on my finger or some really sweet butch wants to take me to a state where we could get married. However, I think I really need a man or woman in my life.

Why do I say this? I am playing a stupid game on Facebook called Sorority Life. I mean it’s a fun game, but what makes it stupid is that I look forward to my “date night” with my sweetheart! Now for those who have never played the game, my sweetheart is a computer character, in no way is he a real live person! Also date night is just me picking one of three activities and then waiting to see if my computer character gets a chocolate bar or something from my sweetheart! Also my last sweetheart told me he was going off to grad school and then the game said he left and broke up with me. And you know what? I spent a good half hour in my bed feeling bad because this computer character broke up with me! Now if that doesn’t scream, “Amanda needs someone special in her life,” then I don’t know what does!

Now maybe I am a little sad about this computer character because my first love broke up with me my freshmen year of college right before finals! I am thinking some kind of PTSD type flashback. He was the best boyfriend I ever had and last functional relationship I have ever had. I did date the stupid b*$#h who raped me my sophomore year and after that I been on dates with a string of losers! However, Trevor was the last good, healthy relationship I was in. Now that’s why I need someone too! That was eleven years ago since I was in a good, healthy relationship.

Now having said all this, I totally need to let the universe bring this person to me! Now your like, “What minute Amanda, I thought you said you didn’t believe in soul mate?” I don’t, but I do believe in destiny and God’s will. I have made a total a ## of myself the past eleven years going after people that I thought would be potential mates. One of my followers on this blog is a lady named Maddie. We met when we were both freshmen in high school and I still call her Emmies! Anyway, Emmies said to me one time that I was way too intense when I liked someone and I could totally see that. It’s like all somebody has to do is have nice eyes, have a sense of humor, and is available and I quickly think, “OMG, this is the one!” I think perhaps I need to have a couple of functional relationship before I have THE relationship with that person meant for me. And I don’t have to go looking for this person; I just have to live my life. I have talked before about isolating and I think if one stays in ones room all day and just goes to group therapy, then one will not find anyone. However, if I have friends and go out where there are other people, then an opportunity might present itself! Now I am not saying that I wouldn’t flirt with a handsome man with nice brown eyes or encourage a hot, sensitive butch to ask for my number. All I am saying is that I don’t have to plot every detail of how my perfect mate is going to find me.

I know many people struggle with this and I am wondering if anyone could relate? I know Mrs. Amber has found THE relationship! She should write a post for us on how to find that relationship. Her man is good too and she is having another little man to be in love with pretty soon. Amber’s due date is fast approaching! For my Christian blog buddies, pray for me. For Easter I put other people’s petitions for the priest to pray for when I wrote out the check to the mission that supplied my Easter cards. However, for my address labels, that where also by a mission, I put the petition for me to find the kind hearted, person with the soft touch, and beautiful soul to share my walk with Jesus. My last aside, yes, I do believe that two woman can share a walk with Jesus! And for the rest of my blog buddies, put some good energy out in the universe for it to send me this person. Thanks everyone for listening.

Monday, April 5, 2010


I am so angry right now and I don’t know how to deal with it. I been raised my whole life to believe that anger is negative emotion. In therapy, I learn that anger is trying to tell me something. So I got to figure it out. I am angry because my friend won’t do her share of a project we are working on. I need to find the function of this emotion. Agggh! It hurts to be angry. I feel all the angry stored up in me coming out. I am angry because my parents aren’t perfect. I am angry because my monthly friend hasn’t come yet. However, I am not pregnant. That’s something to be angry about. I am a freakin’ virgin at thirty. I am angry because my apartment isn't not ready. I am angry because sometimes I lie to make people so that will not feel sorry for me. I am angry that life sucks in general.

I am tired of pretending to be miss happy all the time. The world wants me to be happy because that’s who I am. I am the person that makes everyone else feel happy. I feel like just going on the unit and forgetting about everyone. However, I know the minute I go on the unit everyone and their dog will be calling me and visiting me. I need to go where no one knows who the heck I am and doesn’t care if I care about jack diddly.

We talked in DBT (one of the group therapy classes that I am in) about how if people mistreat me, but I don’t tell them that they are hurting me, then they might not know. So maybe what I have to do is tell my friend she has to stop playing stupid and do her fair share of the work. I KNOW that’s what I have to do. But it sucks. I hate telling people how I feel. I am glad that people can’t read minds, but sometimes I wish they would pick up on the fact that they are being a lazy a$% bum. I can’t be for all people all of the time. I feel like I am everyone support and no one is supporting me.

I wish my life had turned out different. I wish I could have a least finished college in four years at the first college that I went too. But you know what part of the problem was is that I didn’t tell people when I was angry. The only person that I leaned on back then was my abuser. I thought when she spoke that she knew my mind. I did some crazy stuff back then because I thought it was the right thing to do. I had to learn that I have to figure out stuff for myself. However, somehow I have to learn how to lean on people without letting them think for me! Maybe that’s the problem maybe I feel like if I let someone in again they will hurt me again.

It’s been so long since I had a best friend and I need one so bad. I need a best friend that I can just tell all my garbage to and they will listen. Of course, I have my therapist. However, I would really like someone that I can talk about stuff with that wouldn’t make me think, “Well, how does that make you feel?” I want someone who can say that life sucks with me. I need someone who I can tell my hopes and dreams to and they will dream with me.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Life sucks, heaven can’t come soon enough, but with friends, hanging in there is worth it!