Sunday, April 26, 2009

Who am I

Hello Everyone. I am new at this so we shall see how it goes. I am a twenty - nine year old woman living with Schizophrenia. My attempt with this blog is to share my experiences and educate people. I truly believe with all my heart that I couldn't have done it with out my Lord, Jesus Christ. With that I will explain how this all started.
When I was nineteen years old and in my second year of college, I was in an abusive relationship. Many times people are predestined for a mental illness and something triggers it. It usually happens between late teens and early twenties. I had been to church in a very long time. My friends had noticed something wrong with me. However, my help first came with my Lord. I want to make myself right with him. I went to Reconciliation and in celebrating that sacrament the priest said to me it sounds like I was raped. He is only one of three that know what happened that last night with my partner. I knew I had to do something and two of my friends had clinical depression. Like I said my friends knew there was something wrong with me, I wasn't sleeping, eating, or bathing. I was more concerned, though, with what had happened in my love life. One of my dear friends who has clinical depression took me to the free mental health clinic on campus. I should have told them then that I was having suicidal thoughts, but I didn't. The gave me an appointment for two weeks later. I mostly wanted to know how to deal with an abusive relationship.
Well, my body wouldn't let me wait two weeks. My mind started playing tricks on me. The most significant thing that happened was in my organic chemistry class. It was a very simple lab and I had no idea what I was doing. I broke half of the equipment I was using and almost caused explosion. I was very good with Chemistry so this was very unusual for me. Another event was that I was playing a child's board game with my roommate and her friend and I didn't know the answer to the easy questions. I started realizing something was happening to me.
In the beginning of November of 1999 I felt increasingly like I couldn't trust anyone. Then I encountered my guardian angel. Now many of you know that schizophrenics can have hallucinations, but this was different. It was the day I would later try to kill myself. I was walking in my dorm and I saw a beautiful older African - American gentlemen and he told me that I could trust my Dad. I didn't know why, but that made me feel better.
That night, the night I was going to kill myself is a blur. My bowling friends said that I told them I wasn't going bowling, but was going to go to a sorority function. My sisters said that I told them I was going bowing. I wrote two letters that night. One to my then ex abusive partner talking about my love. Then to one of my close friends I wrote a letter about leaving this earth. I got in my car and was ready to drive it into a wall. Before I even started the car something in my mind told me not to. As a miracle, if I had started the car, it wouldn't have worked because the battery was dead. I thought, "My God I have to get the hospital."
I went back to my dorm room and called the crisis line from the free clinic on campus. I was connected right away to a psychiatrist. He told me that he would get someone to take me to the hospital which was only a ten minute walk from my dorm. My R.A. knocked on my door about five minutes later. I was still talking to the doctor. The doctor asked if he could talk to her. She took me to the hospital and waited with me.
I did not want to go into the hospital. I had never had any experience with a mental illness. My fear was that I was going to a strange and awful place. When someone says they are going to commit suicide under most state laws including Indiana where I was going to school, a person must be court order if they won't go willingly. That is what happened to me! My R.A. walked me to the mental health unit and I was escorted by four uniform police officers. I had remembered what my guardian angel said about trusting my Dad and I told the nurses on the mental health unit to talk to my Dad.
It was very hard in the hospital. I tried to "escape" three times. However, being so sick I didn't really make good attempts. Each time I did they called my Dad and my Dad talked to me. Finally, the only person I could turn to was Jesus. And that day I gave my heart to my Lord and Savior. I am not saying my Dad didn't help. However, I needed something bigger, something cosmic. I needed a higher power.
My road since then has been very hard and I will write more about my illness in the coming blogs. I hope someone reads this and it helps them! Ciao for now!