Saturday, June 27, 2009

Sexuality (ohh getting serious)

I know some about my diagnosis because I try to understand my illness. However, there is some things I don't get. Like, for example, everyone says that I do so well. I feel like all I do is live and be happy. Then when I was filling out my application for TSA and my therapist wrote my diagnosis down, she said that it was Paranoid Schizophrenia. Then my therapist commented on the severity of my diagnosis. I never knew that there were varying degrees of Schizophrenia, let alone I had one of the worst!

Anyway, that's not really what this weeks blog is about. I am leading up to it. One of the lesser things that I am diagnosed with is a sexual identity issue. I don't know if that started when my brain formed and I started getting the Schizophrenia or if I was always like that. I do know that I did have a crush on my eleventh grade English literature teacher that was a woman, but when I fully came out of the closet it was about two months before I was court order to a mental health unit.

My problem is that the only label I can place on myself is bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. However, sometimes this confuses me. I didn't fully understand what that confusion was about. However, I had two therapist tell me that I shouldn't worry about the diagnosis of having a sexual identity issue because homosexuality is not a mental health issue. Then, just recently I decided to ask the psychiatrist. Mostly because the psychiatrist I had for about four years never had time for me. The psychiatrist I have been seeing now since January is a lot like another special psychiatrist that I had. Anyway, I asked her and she said that homosexuality is completely normal. The reason I have the diagnosis of a sexual identity is because I have issues with it!

It's true. I do have issues. One day I wake up and I think all day about being with a woman. Then you know what happens? I see a hot guy and think man, I would like to do him. I been over this many times. I am attracted to men's body. Everything! His hair, his eyes, his mouth, his butt... With women it's different. I like a woman for her inner beauty. It's more of a spiritual thing with women. So my dilemma is do I go for sex or a inner connection! And why the hell can't I have both?

Just to be fair, I have had two serious relationship in my life. One was with a young man when I was in college who was the BEST boyfriend anyone could ask for. The other was just after I came out of the closet. It was the worst relationship one could imagine. I won't go into detail, but I always say that no one can tell me there isn't a devil because I slept with her! So I guess what I am saying is, first off, I don't have much experience. Two, I have polar examples.

I know I have people who read this so I am happy. I guess I am looking for advice, criticism, and understanding. Thanks for listening. Keep fighting. And love like you'll die tomorrow!


  1. Thanks for your honesty, LA. I really appreciate that about this post, even though I've never been where you are.

  2. I agree with WC, I admire people who are very honest about their struggles.

  3. From my own experiences, and other women I know who identify as bisexual, this conflict is quite common - the physical attraction to men, and the inner/spiritual attraction to women. It is confusing, though. Maybe that's why I identify as asexual now, cause it all got too hard LOL. Good on you for still trying to figure out what it all means, Amanda xx

  4. To WC and Drifter: I am glad you enjoy my honesty. It's a little easier on here to be honest because only the person who got me into bloging knows who I am. Also I wanted to make this blog about real struggles to help others!

    To Lil: Sometimes I feel asexual. I given over looking for that someone speical to my Lord, Jesus. It doesn't mean that I don't notice hot chicks or groovy guys. It's just that I am not so obessed as I use to be. It took up way to much of my time. The universe will open up and show me my soul mate. I just have to be open minded and get out there with friends and stuff! I hope you figured it out on day too.

    Hugs to all,

  5. My brother, who also has schizophrenia, was never really comfortable with his sexuality either. He is SUPER shy about girls. He was always good looking, so the girls went after him. But even when he had a sexual encounter, it turned into a paranoid situation. At the time, I didn't know he would develop schizophrenia. I felt so bad for him. Why couldn't this caring, loving person, find love while so many assholes can. It made me question life. Don't know if this helps, but just another point of view. I am glad that you continue to confront your feelings and express them. Not many people can do this. Be proud that you possess that trait!

  6. Thanks for sharing that Amber. I am told that people with schizophernia have problems with sexuality. Either in my case, it's wanting it too much, or in the case of your brother, it's not wanting it at all. Again that was very brave of you to share it. I am sure when you brother becomes a whole person again, I once heard a mental illness described as a shattering of a person, he will be ready for a relationship!