Wednesday, January 27, 2010

When do we let our parents go?


When do we let our parents go? I used to think it was an only child thing to want to protect your parents to the point that you make yourself sick. Then, through therapy, I learned about a thing called co – dependency. The first thing I noticed going to my first CoDA (Co – dependence anonymous) was that you could protect anyone in your life to the point of making yourself sick. It could be your spouse, parents, children, etc. I also learned it could be anyone, only children, people who feel they need commitments, people with an abusive past. I remember the first movie I saw about co – dependency It explained that if you have an alcoholic father and he comes to your school drunk and you make it your duty to apologize for him and clean him up then you have shame! Shame stays with you forever. Guilt is healthy, shame is not. For me, it’s when my Mom’s in the grocery store and she acts like it’s the end of the world that the bagger didn’t double bag the soda! I used to try to bend over backwards making the bagger feel better. Now I just walk away pretending I don’t know my Mom!

The reason I am bringing this up now is because my parents are filing for bankruptcy (Amber please don’t tell my parents you know, K?). Anyway, yesterday I tried tirelessly to sooth my mother so much that I got a panic attack! I made it my personal duty to make her feel better. Now I am not saying that you can’t try to cheer people up. However, it is when you make your feelings dependent upon another’s that it is co – dependency. I couldn’t even sit still. My Mom took her anxiety pill, but what I did was talk myself out it. I promised myself I would work on it. So you know? Yesterday I had went to bed thinking of how I was going to tell the lawyer that I needed to be in the consultation on the bankruptcy case! Didn’t learn my lesson. Sometimes it’s when we rest and refresh our body that we see the solution. Did you ever hear that “going to bed mad” is a good idea? Well, I did. And I really didn’t “go to bed mad” I went to bed still ashamed of my parents! This morning I woke up and made a decision. I am NOT going with my parents to the lawyer. I told my Mom and we made this compromise, I am going to stay out in the waiting room. I have even picked a fresh new book from my bookshelf to read. NOT MATTER what my parents say, I am not going in there. What makes me sad is thinking that if this had happened when I was eleven years old, I would have gone in there not knowing the difference and my parents would have let me! And I owe to that eleven year old girl, who was the ref. in many arguments, to NOT go in there.

Yes, ladies in gentlemen my co – dependency stems from my childhood. The biggest problem I have to under go in my therapy is realizing that I DON’T control everything. My therapist finally helped me figured it out! She said I feel like I am “God” meaning that I feel I can do things like love people enough so they don’t die is because my parents made that eleven year old sit down and make adult decisions on things that where none of her business. So now it’s 2010 and I am thirty years old. I have had some really crappy friendship in my past (see last entry) and my therapist had me write to my inner child how I would protect her from now on. I think that I have to promise her that I will STOP this co – dependency. I can see a scared little “Mandy” sat in her room, many nights, trying to figure out how to solve her parents’ problems and I can’t go back in time and fix that. However, what I can fix is staying out of the hospital by not holding the burden of the world on my shoulders!

7 comments:

  1. Amanda, this was a very powerful post. It seems like you are making a lot of progress by acknowledging your co-dependency and try to change. You made me realize that I too may have a co-dependency relationship with my brother. YOu see, growing up the my siblings and I were put in the middle of my parents fights. I now vocalize this to them and how it affects a child and the decisions they make as they grow up. You don't forget those fights. I became the sibling who felt she should protect everyone or make them feel better. I would try tirelessly to change subjects or make people laugh, all while butterflies roam in my stomach. So, I think my reaction to my brother's illness in not totally healthy, but necessary as his older sister. Part of me still wonders if his sensitivity to the fighting could have triggered his illness in some way. That makes me angry since he did NOTHING to ask for this. All his did was stay in the background as the shy buy I feel I must protect. But now, I think he must fight this on his own. I can not fix everything and it has taken a while for me to realize that. Lack of control is my worst enemy. I think I am starting to realize more than ever that I need therapy. It would be good for me. Plus, I will never protect my son (to be) from any fighting but I will be sure not to put him through what I went through as a child.

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  2. Wow! That was a mouthful Amber. I think therapy is good for anyone. I don't know if your under your insurance or Michael's, but you should check on where you could go and how often. That's the cool thing about being so severly ill as myself and your brother are, we get Medicaid and can go as often as we need! I guess it's not really cool, but anyway check on how often you can go. Then you can work from there because say if you only get twenty visits a year than you could make your appointment like every three weeks. You understnad? Honey, Lucas is already your son! And you have a good idea on how to raise him. So much forms how we will be as an adult when we are little. Can I ask you something? How do you handle fights with Michael? I know that whenever I am in a relationship (a romantic one) I avoid them at all cost and I am quick to apologize even if it's not my fault. You are very blessed to have someone like Michael, though. Because the thing that was the last straw, the thing that caused my schizophrenia to come on as hard as it did was an abusive relationship. I can still remember running down the stairs in my dorm hall to e - mail her like four times a day. And no it wasn't a interent dating thing, I actually passed her dorm room on my way to the computer lab. Anyway, I learned from this too. That I am worthy of a healthy relationship. If you have an question about therapy, you can ask me, k?
    Hugs,
    Amanda

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  3. Good for you Lady A, you're showing it's never too late to break free of the burden of co-dependency and live indepedent of our parents. Stay strong!!

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  4. I am praying for you father.....nothing is too difficult for God...and if two agree...it is done.

    take gentle care. Sarah

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  5. Your doing great Lady Amanda. I found your writing articulate and your journal informative, and interesting.

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  6. Thanks Sarah. That really means a lot to me. And your right about nothing being to difficult for God and about two agreeing.

    Nice to meet you Barbz, I will visit your blog tomorrow. Always like to make new blog buddies. I am glad you like my writing.

    Thanks guys,
    Amanda

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