Monday, April 5, 2010


I am so angry right now and I don’t know how to deal with it. I been raised my whole life to believe that anger is negative emotion. In therapy, I learn that anger is trying to tell me something. So I got to figure it out. I am angry because my friend won’t do her share of a project we are working on. I need to find the function of this emotion. Agggh! It hurts to be angry. I feel all the angry stored up in me coming out. I am angry because my parents aren’t perfect. I am angry because my monthly friend hasn’t come yet. However, I am not pregnant. That’s something to be angry about. I am a freakin’ virgin at thirty. I am angry because my apartment isn't not ready. I am angry because sometimes I lie to make people so that will not feel sorry for me. I am angry that life sucks in general.

I am tired of pretending to be miss happy all the time. The world wants me to be happy because that’s who I am. I am the person that makes everyone else feel happy. I feel like just going on the unit and forgetting about everyone. However, I know the minute I go on the unit everyone and their dog will be calling me and visiting me. I need to go where no one knows who the heck I am and doesn’t care if I care about jack diddly.

We talked in DBT (one of the group therapy classes that I am in) about how if people mistreat me, but I don’t tell them that they are hurting me, then they might not know. So maybe what I have to do is tell my friend she has to stop playing stupid and do her fair share of the work. I KNOW that’s what I have to do. But it sucks. I hate telling people how I feel. I am glad that people can’t read minds, but sometimes I wish they would pick up on the fact that they are being a lazy a$% bum. I can’t be for all people all of the time. I feel like I am everyone support and no one is supporting me.

I wish my life had turned out different. I wish I could have a least finished college in four years at the first college that I went too. But you know what part of the problem was is that I didn’t tell people when I was angry. The only person that I leaned on back then was my abuser. I thought when she spoke that she knew my mind. I did some crazy stuff back then because I thought it was the right thing to do. I had to learn that I have to figure out stuff for myself. However, somehow I have to learn how to lean on people without letting them think for me! Maybe that’s the problem maybe I feel like if I let someone in again they will hurt me again.

It’s been so long since I had a best friend and I need one so bad. I need a best friend that I can just tell all my garbage to and they will listen. Of course, I have my therapist. However, I would really like someone that I can talk about stuff with that wouldn’t make me think, “Well, how does that make you feel?” I want someone who can say that life sucks with me. I need someone who I can tell my hopes and dreams to and they will dream with me.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Life sucks, heaven can’t come soon enough, but with friends, hanging in there is worth it!


  1. Oh Amanda, I hope you feel a bit better after being able to vent safely here! We are your friends, and you can tell us your hopes and dreams, but I know that real-life friends can be comforting. You are so insightful, and expressive.

  2. Hey, Girl, here's a little something for you. You are perfect the way you are and could use a little improvement. It's true for all of us. You go ahead and be angry. Then practice telling people you're angry and find out it doesn't end the world.
    I'm not great at this either. I often write down what I want to say and give myself time to look it over so that I can say it without dragging in the Civil War, how my second grade teacher had no business around children and the fact that I have some challenges that others don't.
    Sending sunshine your way.

  3. Lil,

    Yes it did help to tell you guys. In fact last night when I wrote this I felt so awful that I needed to tell you guys. At that time I had no one else to tell. I know you guys are my friends and I really appericate that. Thank you. I am working on making deeper connections with my real life friends. But encouragment from you guys really helps a lot. Thanks

    Fay -

    I like the way you put "you are perfect the way you are and could us a little improvement." That was very gentle. I am trying hard to work on telling people I am angry. Writing it down is a good idea. Thank you.

    Hugs to you both,

  4. I hear ya Lady Amanda. My goal is to be as real as I can be. I still hate hurting people's feelings, but at the same time, they have no problem hurting mine. I am working on this area of confronting a little bit more, but it is hard.

  5. J.B.R.,

    Honesty is the best policy. I don't like hurting people's feeling either. But I think it just gets worse the longer you stuff it. I am glad I am not the only one working on it! You're right it is hard!

    Thanks we'll work on it together;)