Monday, July 19, 2010

Moving On

Well, I’ve been really busy which is why I haven’t blogged in almost two weeks! The most exciting thing I did was go to a Bon Jovi concert. I've never been to a live concert of someone famous enough to be on Saturday Night Live. I mean that’s what I thought two weeks before the concert when I saw Bon Jovi on SNL. I’ve been to concert before, but they were Christian local bands that I don’t even think get air time on the radio! Now I have a little crush on Bon Jovi because he is even cuter in person. However, if you told me five years ago that I would be in line for an hour waiting to get a good seat (my best friend and I had lawn seats), then I would crush through a ton of people to the stage, listen to a rock concert, and then crush back through a crowd of people. I would tell you that you’re crazy. Mostly because I had a hard time handling crowds!

You know what else I’ve been up to? I joined a Yoga class. Today was my third class. Five years ago, I had just had a bad experience with Albify and said that I would rather be fat and have diabetes than hear voices. Now that still is true, but in October I decided to give Geodon a try. Now I am not promoting or telling you not to take certain pills. Everyone’s brain chemistry is different so unless you happen to be my long lost twin; you have to find the medicine that is right for you. Anyway, it was a little scary at first. And there were points when I have had delusions and the medicine had to be adjusted, but for the most part everything is o.k. So I decided if my medicine is going to help me lose weight, I am not going to let it do it all on it’s own. I’ve been exercising two to three times a week at the Y. Then, I would say about February, after being encouraged by the scale, I started eating better. So far to date I have lost thirty – one pounds. Anyway, I finally feel comfortable enough to join a class at the Y and I choose Yoga because I still get panic attacks. I thought Yoga would relax me and it does! I am getting better at the stretches each time I go. And it’s a wonderful feeling to be fit.

I am also thinking about the future. For example, I am going to compile a body of work of my poetry and submit it as a book of poetry to a publisher. Also I am thinking beyond the apartment that I am on the waiting list for. I have two possibility for my midlife years. One I don’t get married, save money to buy my own mobile home, and get a little puppy. The other to find a man, get married, and go through an adoption agency for a son between the ages of two and five years old. I really don’t care where I live if I get married (of course I want to stay in the North Country of New York state, I meant if my husband wants a house and he can afford it, then it’s all good with me). I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment so I tend to think of being by myself, but now that I am doing more I do meet more guys! I guess will have to see. I still live one day at a time, but there was a time when I just couldn’t think beyond a year or two. I just didn’t see hope. I thought I would muddle through life the same way for the rest of my life! I thought a good day would always be just because I didn’t have an episode and I got a hamburger at a burger joint that made me feel good.

Now my question is: I am I better? Did I move on? I have moved on to a “life worth living.” However, a schizophrenic is never “better.” Tomorrow, my Mom’s CA125 could come back that she has cancer and I could get so stressed out that I don’t go to that Yoga class and instead I just sit in my room and draw lines on my arm with scissors or talk to voices that no one else can hear. Although, I would like to think I would handle it better than that. I’ve got have a lot of coping skills. All I am saying is there is always unforeseen stress, but there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Right now I am not going to worry about the unforeseen stress and live my “life worth living.” I am going to be happy with more than a burger and I going to see hotties both in concert and working out at the gym. I am going to look forward to my little puppy or my beautiful son. I am going to live each day as “normal” as possible because I have moved on!


  1. It's so great that you are thinking about your future, Lady Amanda - for sure, you have beautiful and wonderful things to look forward to!! Glad you enjoyed the concert (-: Isn't Jon Bon Jovi a cutie?!

  2. Hey Lil,

    Being able to think about the future is a wonderful feeling! And is good to know that it's a nice future, before I thought I would always be totally dependent on my parents because of my mental illness! Did you ever see Jon Bon Jovi in person. He difanlty is a cutie! Thanks for stopping by Lil.

    Hugs and blessings,

  3. Looks like I am reading a positive post here Amanda. You have been busy recently. A co worker of mine went to see Bon Jovi and said that was an awesome performance he puts on. Glad you got to see him as well. Blessings.

  4. Hello my sister in Christ,

    My life is pretty positive right now! The only thing that could make it better is if I had my own apartment, but God is teaching me patience I feel. Life is better with my parents, through therapy, I can more easily express my feelings. So even though I am still living home, my life is still better. If you would please keep praying on my apartment, though. Thirty years old is old enough to be on one's own I think. Yep, Jon Bon Jovi and his band sure do put on a good show. Thanks.

    Blessings and hugs,