Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Weak points

We all have our weak points, our good days and bad days. At least that’s why my therapist told me! I just felt like everyone expects me to be the healthy, strong one all the time. Well, two Mondays ago I wasn’t strong. I felt like leaving this earth. My Dad took me to the ER and I had to wait an awfully long time! The crisis nurse asked me what I wanted to do. She said there is only two choices in the ER, go home and sleep then wake up and call my therapist and ask for an earlier appointment. Or she said I could stay on the mental health unit of the hospital. For about fifteen minutes we went back and forth with me saying that I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I said that I guess I am saying that I don’t feel safe enough to go home, but I can’t say that because everyone expects me to be the strong, healthy one!

Well, I spent a week in the inpatient mental health unit of the hospital. It was quite relaxing. I think when you have a mental illness sometimes you just have to admit you are not the strong, healthy one and just be. We had group therapies and I did a lot of coloring. I used to color in coloring books when I got nervous. Well, the unit had all these neat pictures to color. I also listened to music. I just laid and listen. I haven’t done that in a long time. I also dove into my library book that I actually just picked up from the library earlier in the day before I went to the ER. Also it’s hard for someone to understand this who is not mentally ill, but other mentally ill people are just nice to be around when you can’t handle so called normal people. My stay was quite good for me. It was a good thing I decided to admit my weakness, even though I beat around the bush to do it!

I think life is a lot like that. I think even if one is not mentally ill, everyone needs some time away to admit there weakness and focus on themselves. I know that after I first was diagnosed, way back when I was nineteen and I choose to go back to school, I had to change the way I did my school work. I mean ever since I was five years old, I went to school and did my work the same way! I left everything to the very last minute. I realized real quick, when I starting going to school while dealing with a major mental illness, that I couldn’t do that anymore. Only having the night before to work on a project that was given a month ago was just too stressful and too hard to concentrate on for an all nighter. I had to plan my project out and work on them a little each day.

I missed the blog world while I was gone. That’s really the only thing I missed was the computer. I know some of you wrote comments about my last post and I didn’t write back right away, but that’s because they don’t allow computers in the unit. I have written back to the nice comments. And don’t feel bad when you have a bad day. There is always tomorrow. I know that everyone says only worry about today, but sometimes they day is crappy and all you can do is cuddle up in bed and admit your weakness. I promise there will be a tomorrow with sunshine and if there isn’t, I believe there is a special place that God has prepared that will be better than all the tomorrows anyone ever wish for! Hugs to all.


  1. Oh Amanda, I'm sorry to hear you've been in the hospital, though it seems that the visit was quite pleasant (and hopefully helpful). Good on you for admitting you needed help. Take care, big hugs to you my friend xx

  2. I am so glad you had the wisdom to admit yourself to the hospital. I am so glad you are back as well, I wondered if you were okay.
    It takes a great deal of strength to check into a psych ward. I am proud of you. Major hugs right now!

  3. Thank you for sharing your courage with us.I commend you for knowing when you need help and asking for it, that is a very hard thing to do.

    I totally know how you feel about doing things differently in order to be successful. I am just figuring that out and it makes a world of difference.

  4. Hey Lil,

    It does always suck a little to be in the hospital, but you're right it was a pleasant stay for me. I learned some stuff about myself. Big hugs right back at you (((Lil)))

    Hey Pink,

    Thanks for worrying about me. I think the reason people say that mental illness gets better with age is because when I was nineteen years old (the first time I was in a mental health unit) I didn't have the wisdom to admit myself. They had to court order me. I haven't read a lot of your blog, but you seem to have that maturity about your symptoms. Major hugs right back at you because when we give them away we always get some in return.

    Hey Jess,

    Sometimes it seems all I have is courage. My hope and belief is gone, but somehow I have courage to endure. Yes, asking for help is hard. However, I think it's the only way a person can live with a major mental illness! I am glad you are figuring things out for yourself.

    Blessings to all,

  5. Hi Amanda, just wanted to you to know...I'm not strong all the time time too and it's okay. In your corner...always...Sarah

  6. Stay strong Amanda. You have so much left to accomplish in this life. To ask for help is one of the hardest things for any person to do. You are courageous!

    Your friend,

  7. Hi Sarah,

    I don't think any human can be strong ALL the time. That's what makes us human and I have to remember that. Thanks for being in my corner. You are truly someone special to be in my corner.

    Hi Amber,

    I am getting stronger, they fixed my meds in the hospital and I am better able to deal with things. I didn't feel courageous at the time. I just knew I didn't want to go out like that.

    Thanks ladies,