Thursday, November 26, 2009

I already know what my New Year's resolution is going to be!

When my therapist said to me that singlehood is the greatest gift a young person could give themselves, (She thinks thirty is young, I guess it’s your prospective!), I didn’t truly understand what she meant. However, now I been thinking about an old saying. It goes, “Before you can love another person you have to love yourself!” I thought I did love myself. However, I haven’t been taking care of myself properly. There is the weight thing, being too tired to wash up at night, and not always tending to my Spiritual Life. So I have decided to take better care of myself. Not for God, not for my parents, and certainly not for a lover! I think I am entering a year of grace and at the end of it, I will truly love myself.

I want to talk about doing stuff for myself. They say when I baby is born until it is about two, it is ego centric. Only worrying about its own needs! Why can’t we all be like that? It makes sense for a baby to worry about itself because it has to survive. However, as we grow older we do things for our parents and our friends. I can remember being three years old and all I wanted to do is be like my friend Sarah. It was so bad that there were three of us that hung out together, Sarah, Laura, and myself. Anyway, Laura and I would fight constantly over Sarah’s attention. My Mom even thinks my favorite color is red because that was Sarah’s favorite color. I still stick to my guns saying it’s red because of Elmo. However, there are so many things I did just to be like Sarah.

Next, you know what we grow into adolescence doing? I remember being thirteen and having the biggest crush on this boy in my CCD class (Sunday school). Anyway, I would put on make – up for him, dab on perfume because I think he would like it, and generally be nervous around him for being careful not to do anything that would make him not think the world of me. This continued for much of my life (of course not with the same boy or even gender.) The worst was just before I was diagnosed with my invisible disability. I was dating a very abusive girlfriend and I let her dare me to do stuff that wasn’t good for me. For example, I drive a very undriveble car (it was only meant for on campus and the doctor about a mile off campus) an hour away from my college, in the rain no less, to a ratty neighbor. It was very dangerous to say the least. I don’t know that if I had been in my right mind whither I would have been scared shitless or not. However, that is something I want to change.

Now I said that I don’t want to take care of myself not for God. My Lord is the center of all I do! However, I am a separate being from my God. I know my Father in Heaven will be happy for me when I am done. I also offer it all up to Him. However, I still have to love myself for who I am. So my New Year’s resolution is to take care of myself! I hope by the end of 2010 I will be happy with the person I have become. And I am not doing it to “find” someone. I just wanted to make that clear because I did say about loving yourself before another person. If I do find the love of my life at the end of the journey then it is a bonus. It’s just to say that I am doing this to find a lover is defeating the purpose. I want to be happy with me, for me, and by me.


  1. What a fantastic resolution. I think we should all set this as a goal for 2010.

  2. Good resolution! I put a comment on a past blog but wanted to make sure you saw it! God is hearing our prayers with my son. We don't always know how he will answer but HE does his own thing in his own time! I had asked you about meds and you were very kind to share with me. We went to the research study guy this past Tuesday and my son is going to try this starting next week. It is an Abilify study. He is excited. Please pray that this works with few to no side effects. He had some pretty bad side effects on the other two he tried. He wants what you have, a life free of the delusions and intrusive thoughts but he also wants his life back. Well, thank you for praying for Brandon. Hope you are having a good Thanksgiving! Janet in TN

  3. Oh great..... Your post could not have come at a better time. Just last week in my t. session we talked about 'self care.' Right now it is hard for me to do this. But, I know it is part of the healing process.

    I appreciate your post very much dear one. And yes, aside from doing it for God, we have to do if for ourselves.

    I am glad that you are taking this positive road! It encourages me!


  4. Of all the "Happy Thanksgivings" I received on my blog yesterday, yours was the most heartfelt and special to me. Your ARE a special Lady, Amanda.

    In my view, loving myself is tantamount to loving others and God. If I can not experience self-love, how can I experience loving others or our Creator?

    Your resolution is a fine one and will have you moving in the right direction.

    A hug from me to get you started.

  5. This is a terrific resolution, LA, and I know you will do it, and do it well! I so agree with Charlie, that loving ourselves is a most important part of loving others and God. I think I will join you in this 2010 resolution! Hugs my friend x

  6. Thanks everyone for your encouragment. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. A special shout out the Medcalfs for trying something new to Brandon. Also to Charile, your my special blog buddy because you are so sweet. Thanks Charile and Lil for the hugs. I hope Real that you can take care of yourself too! I hope everyone doesn't think I abanded them because I realize you all wrote this comments a while back.
    Hugs to all,

  7. Amanda,
    I have been where you are and I still am on some days. I used to weigh over 300 pounds and I have lost over 115 pounds and it was doing the old fashioned way but exercise and healthy eating but that is not really what I want to focus on. THE REASON THAT I GOT TO THAT WEIGHT IS THAT I WENT TO FOOD TO FILL ME THAN WHEN THAT PLACE SHOULD BE HIM. So, I am finding your blog to be so real and inspiring. GOD created all in us a cavern in our soul that he made for him to alone fill. I look forward to getting to know you better. GOD is good!

  8. Oh Laura, I am doing a combination of losing weight the old fashion way and medicine. I hope you don't think I am a diet pill because I not. It's just the medicine I was on for schizophrenia causes weight gain. And yeas Jesus feels the hole in my heart. Yes, please get to know me through my blog.
    God bless,