Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Growing, really?

In life there is a growing process. I am actually reading a book about heaven and how purgatory is not a place of punishment, but of growing. And I am all like, I want to stay in purgatory then! Anyway, that’s not what this is about. I am becoming more independent. Today my Mom must have said like six times why don’t we take the dog to Petsmart! I told her I wanted to go to the Y and work out. You see my goal right now is to lose another twenty – five pounds so that I can start fitting into the clothes at Old Navy again! And I can’t do that unless I exercise at least three times a week! So instead of doing what my Mom wanted to do, I did what I wanted to do. I mean a lot of times I just go with her because I like to talk to someone. However, since I am not isolating anymore, I have four friends that live near me that I can talk to anytime I want. Well, they have to be free to talk. I also wrote about my friend that is slowly becoming my best friend! She is one of the four, but more importantly I talk to her the most. And it’s not like talking with my Mom about relatives who put her down or who are better than her or whatever. We also don’t talk about how sucky the government is running things. I know some of my blog followers like to talk about politics, but it’s different with my Mom. It’s like there is no hope for America at ALL. You know I am actually going to call my almost new best friend tomorrow when I get out of Anxiety group while she is at the train station just to say goodbye because she is leaving for Memorial Day weekend to see her best friend from High School. I mean she is only going for four days and we are calling each other to say goodbye!

My Mom also, as I was eating dinner, kept saying to me the dog looks hot. Now we have air conditioning and if you stay in the living room (which the dog does when he is by himself because he watches PBS) then it’s really not hot at all. I mean if we had no air conditioning, when my Dad got home from work, I would have been all like let’s grab a hamburger and get that dog to some air conditioning. But I wanted to work out for me! No one else, but for the satisfaction of going to a normal clothing store, not Fashion Bug PLUS or the Avenue (Plus size store). I am not saying those stores aren’t normal. However, for one thing they rip overweight woman off. I saw a shirt at Fashion Bug Plus for about twenty – four dollars that, if I could get into one size smaller, I can get for about nine bucks at Old Navy! I mean I used to have a credit card to the Avenue and maxed that sucker out. I guess you know by now I love my clothes. Now I can go to the Salvation Army and get plus size clothes really cheap and it’s just a section not an ostracized store in the mall. However, sometimes a girl just wants the latest fashion cheap.

So you know what I did? Sorry gentlemen if I was losing you there! I told my Mom to drop me off at the Y and she could take our dog to Petsmart. We were both happy when we were done. I felt good from a workout. For those trying to get into working out, at first your muscles will scream, but after about a month it feels REALLY good when you work out! Just don’t do it too much! Know your limits. Anyway, my Mom had fun with our dog! Just to clear things up, my family only has one car. I mean I could have totally driven myself to the Y if I had my own car or if my parents didn’t share a car. But back to the story, my Mom talked and talked about Petsmart. Better than the world’s going to hell in a hand basket like usual.

What really shows that I am independent is I didn’t have to go to the Y with her. I thought about it when I was done with the bikes. I go to the Y with her and we sit and talk while we ride the stationery bikes. However, after that our routines differ. I mean at the end of the workout sometimes we are lucky enough to get a tread mill close to each other and talk, but most of the time their way across the room! Anyway, I much rather watch the big screen T.V. while I am on the tread mill. It’s hanging on the wall at the Y. I was able to workout all by myself. Now it’s not just a big deal because I don’t like going places by myself, but because I feel self conscience. I feel like the fat girl at the Y. And when my Mom is at the Y with me, then I don’t think about it. However, when I caught my mind wondering over to the fact that the skinny girl on the next machine probably is wondering why I haven’t had a heart attack yet, I would say to myself that maybe that skinny girl may have started out like me. Maybe she’s been going to the Y for awhile and just goes now to keep the weight off and get that great feeling you have after you work out. And you know what? I also distracted myself by checking out the guys in the weight area that I can strategically see with the help of the mirrors around. Just so you gentlemen know, it’s not the muscle men that make me self conscience! It’s those skinny chicks!

Anyway, I am proud that I accomplish a long term goal all by myself. Maybe you can say that I accomplished several long term goals in one night. Independence is a beautiful thing. I think it’s important for anyone trying to live with a mental illness. We don’t live in asylums anymore. God gave us this wonderful meds, that the psychiatrist is not even sure of why it works, so that we can get up from the couch and go watch animals in the park or have jobs or go work out.

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