Monday, June 7, 2010

What I am proud of!

I am becoming more independent! Something trivial as being able to take care of ones owns money is a big step for me. You see when the government decided to grant me my social security; they decided that I couldn’t handle my own money so for the past nine years my Mom was my payee. What that means is my checks got directly deposited into an account that said Phyllis (our last name) for Amanda (last name again). My mom was responsible for making sure I spent my money wisely. Every year she had to fill out a Payee report on how much I spent for food, clothes, and entertainment. Now this doesn’t make sense because my parents are the ones going through bankruptcy, but that’s the way it was.

Now I think social security did this because when they accessed me to see if I was really disabled enough to receive social security benefits they had to talk to my psychiatrist. At that time I was going through my second mini schizophrenic break. My delusion at that time was that I was going to fly to Las Vegas, get off my meds. so I could be skinny, and become a prostitute. Now that doesn’t really seem logical because one my one month of social security might get me a plan ticket and maybe food and shelter for about three or four days! And second if, even now, I went off my medicine I could not focus enough to handle a job even it was being a prostitute. However, I can see this now because I have matured enough in my illness (after ten plus years of having it) to realize these things and it is probably one of the reason my doctor agreed to tell the government that now I can handle my own money.

I am trying to lose weight, but not in taking myself off my medicine. What I did was request to be put on a medicine for schizophrenia that doesn’t cause weight gain and am exercising and eating better (mostly not as much as I used too). And nope I don’t want to be a prostitute anymore. I am a person that is fascinated but sex. However, when I have sex, I want it to be more like making love that just an act! And I think the only reason I wanted to go to Las Vegas was one my parents wouldn’t find me and two prostitution is legal! Now to get away from my parents I go by one my friend’s house and turn off my cell phone and as you all know I am getting my own apartment. And no they won’t have a key!

Anyway, about a month ago I requested to become my own payee and like I said I had to have my psychiatrist tell them I could handle my own money. And therefore, since she agreed to do that for me, I feel more independent. The waiting on social security was hard. My American readers now how SLOOOOWWW our government is. Today I got a call from social security asking me if I had a personal account that I would like my social security checks to be directly deposited into and I was like am I my own payee. And I found out I was. It made me feel so proud.

No more waking up the day of the first and third of month to deposit money into my personal account for bills that are being taken out that day! My check will automatically go there! No more my Mom being able to borrow money without asking. I am free to do with my money what I want. Well, social security does tell me that I can’t save more money in the bank than two thousand dollars, but to me once I get two thousand dollars in the bank I am going to put a down payment on a car! For a normal person when you’re eighteen you either go off to college or get your first full – time job and you can spend your money however you want. But for me, I had to wait until my illness was stable, I had have a handle on my delusions, and my doctor had to feel that she agreed that the with my assessment of those two things had occurred. So maybe I don’t have a high paying career or a kid that just graduated kindergarten, but darn it, I am happy today because the government said I can handle my own money!


  1. Amanda....I just read your comment on my blog...and your post here. My heart goes out to you...b/c you have struggled...but He can do what nothing else can...give you the stability and the security we all crave. Stay strong ok...Sarah

  2. Hi Amanda,
    Thank you for stopping by today. I believe God is a God of miracles and He can give each one of us everything we need to live a healthy life. As you commit each day to Him, He can bring security and stability into your life.... Take care.


  3. Thank you dear Amanda for sharing this post. Blessings to you!

  4. Sarah,

    You're right that He can do what no one else can. I know I have been only winning the fight for stabilty and security because of Him! In His arms I feel at rest and completly free. I remember last time I was in the mental health unit (2006), one of my church friends called me and said that Jesus is now carrying me and just think of that! It's comforted me. You stay strong too!


    Everyday I try to commit my heart to Jesus. Some days are harder than others. If any mentally ill person tells you that they have been on medicine long enough that they don't have days where getting out of bed is just hard. Well, don't believe them. I am blessed because I know I have a helper those days. I believe my mental illness is my cross, but that doesn't stop me from praying each day for the miracle of God taking it from me!


    Your welcome

    Blessing to all three of my sisters in Christ!

  5. Amanda, thanks for you comment on my blog about my album pages. I just realised that for some reason, your blog does not show up on my blog roll. I have no idea why it's not coming up but anyway, I think it's great you have control of your own money now. That would have been hard to have to get it from someone else for so long. It's also good you have some goals, like buying a car, that you can work towards. Good for you!
    Sarah xx

  6. Oh Sarah,

    You are trying to get my blog on your blog roll? That's awesome. I didn't know that you liked my blog that much. I know you have a lot of followers and it's hard to keep up with everyone! I meant what I said about your album pages, they are good. Yes, it was hard having my Mom be in chare of my money. And thanks for catching the fact that I want to buy a car. I have another goal! I went to Vermont and I have an idea for a novel. So I am going to compelete my first novel! Again, I am happy that you are doing better.

    Hugs XOXO,

  7. Just stopping by to give you a hug dear one. ((((Amanda))))

  8. Hugs right back at you my sister in Christ.