Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A common FEAR!

O.k. This is the thing! I go to my therapist today and I want to talk about something I feel weird about. I had talked to another therapist about this when I was at the day treatment facility for the mentally ill. I don’t know if my followers and those reading this know, but from 2004 to 2006 I was at a day treatment facility where we did three one hour group therapies three days a week! On top of that we saw our individual therapists for an hour a week. It was pretty intense. However, I learned a lot! The most important being was that I don’t have to LIVE with my PARENTS for the rest of my life, which can’t happen away because they will eventually leave this world. Anyway, the therapist at the day treatment facility, she said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is true about this fear. However, my therapist now, said that what I had was a common fear! I am thinking finally. Something that didn’t just happen because my uniquely screwed up family or the shafted genes I got.

What is this fear you ask? Simple! It’s that my best friend Chrissy will get pissed off at me and we won’t be friends anymore. I mean I would really miss her now that I am beginning to trust her. We have three big things in common, we are both paranoid schizophrenics, we are both single over thirty women, and we hold bachelor’s degrees (which is special because most schizophrenic don’t finish college). We talk on the phone everyday almost. And we spend at least two weekends out of the month together. I would be lonely without her. I do have other friends that I do stuff with. I actually have three other friends here within thirty minutes of me. Also my friend Robin, who used to live here, calls me at least once a week from Virginia. To add to that, my followers know that I have friends back in Indiana and Chicago, but e – mail is kind of stale. Of course, I have all of you. It’s rather interesting this blogging thing. It’s kind of like an on – line support group. I can tell you guys anything, mostly, because I would probably never meet you in the real world, but more because you are all so understanding.

Well, anyway. I told my therapist that I was afraid that I would piss Chrissy off and she’d go away. My therapist told me that this is a common fear because little children can be hurtful! I have to realize that it has to do with my past and that it wasn’t anything I did when I was a little girl or a teenager that pissed off my friends, it was them! My therapist said that plus I had a low self esteem when I was young and she had the beautiful water description. She said that when you have low self esteem you’re at a lower level and you seep less water in a relationship. When you have a normal self esteem you seep way more water for healthy relationship to be filled. Also I guess I am at an advantage because my therapist is Chrissy's therapist so she knows Chrissy is healthy. My therapist even made the comment that she can’t reveal personal information to me, but she would say that Chrissy is a good person.

Anyway, if anyone feels like somebody is too good to be true, you know what? You might be wrong! You may have come to a place where you are healthy enough for lots more water to seep in for a healthy relationship. I just say this because if this truly is a common fear then more people need to be told. I often wonder sometimes when people say that they wish they could be a little kid again. I don’t want to be one. When I was little the other little kids where nasty, my parents scared me shitless, and I couldn’t wait to grow up! Right now as I live and breathe, I believe the best age is thirty. I love it. When I was a child, life was pretty messed up as I said, as a teenager my life was turned up side down with new pressure like boys and getting into college, and my twenties were trying to settle into my adult body. Now I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and know what the heck I am doing! I am not saying that everything is going to be perfect and there won’t be sadness, but I think the torture is gone.


  1. That's lovely.
    I must tell you, though, that in my experience each year is the best year. Thirty was great, but I'm going to be 55 in a month and I can't wait. 55! It must be the perfect age to be.
    I'll tell you a secret, Amanda. Aging is a very good thing. Now don't go around telling everyone because our society tends to think it's a bad thing. How can experience, wisdom, and self-knowledge be bad, eh?
    Go well!

  2. I think your probably right about the age thing! Although, I remember before I was twenty - five I couldn't wait to be older! But your right once I hit twenty - five, I was like this is the perfect age. It kept happening for the next five years. And it's nice to know for someone more mature that it will keep happening to me! I won't tell anyone your secert, but experience wisdom, and self - knowledge are the best! Thanks for responding!


  3. For some reason my age does not bother me. I do not know why, maybe because I probably was so numb all those years..... I do not know. We cannot get around it. Thanks Amanda for the post. Blessings.

  4. You don't have to tell me how old you are, but are you middle aged or are you older than that? Just wondered. I am sorry you were numb. I was numb too, but not for long. You're welcome for the post. I like writing to you all. It helps me! Sometimes I wonder if it helps me more to write it than it helps you all to read it!
    Hugs my sister in Christ,

  5. Through all your trials and tribulations, you got your degree. I think that's wonderful and something to feel very proud of.

  6. Hi Barb,

    Yes it wonderful that I got my degree and I am very proud of it. So far the best day of my life is when I walked across the stage to recieve my bachelor's of arts in Cultural Studies with a concentration in Lit. I know one day I will get married and I will take my child home from the court house saying that I have offically adopted him, but until those days come that was my best day. Yes one of my best days was accepting Jesus as my personal savior. However, my graduation was a commelation of things including accepting Jesus as my personal savior.

    Thanks Barb for stoping by. Please feel free to anytime.

    Hugs with blessings,