While here I am on my own, now what?

Hello my blog buddies. I now live in my own apartment. It is an apartment program for people living with a mental illness. I have a lot of freedom, though, because I am at "higher level." One more step and I be at the "highest level" with the least amount of supervision. So now I wonder what now? I mean I moved in Friday, January seventh, and everything was new and exciting. I just loved it. Now I am sitting here wondering, "How in the heck do I go about being responsible for myself." It is true that because I am in the apartment program, I have an apartment counselor in which is responsible for counting my meds once a week (to make sure I am taking them), for making sure I clean my apartment, and I have to clear all overnights with her (so they know I am in the apartment more than I am out). Also I am assigned a roommate. My roommate, Karen, is the best roommate I have ever had so far! I am even taking her to my birthday dinner with my family this weekend. However, the really important decision like getting enough sleep, should I go walking in the snow, should I go to my scheduled group, etc. are left up to me.

Now I am going to be thirty - one on Friday, but I just never not had someone to ask if I should go back to bed or go do my activities that need to be done. I never had it where nobody was there to make sure I ate or make sure I didn't eat too much. I always had someone to drive me around. You think when I lived on campus in my early twenties I would have had this experience, but my roommate in college was a very dominate woman who looked over me like a hawk and my co - dependent mind would allow her to do. I mean the roommate I have now likes to know what time I am going to be home, but the rest is up to me!

I think I am always scared when I realize I am growing up. I mean because that's what I am doing. At some point in everyone's life, they have to learn to take care of themselves. I know some really unfortunate people that had to learn that way to early and other people that never learned too. First, I feel blessed that my family had it together enough to watch out for me. Second, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to try become independent while I am still young. I may have been a lot more messed up than I was if the first happened. And second, my parents would have me live with them forever so I thank God for the courage to step up and say this is something I want to do! I mean if I waited another ten years my parents may not have all their facilities because they would be in their seventies or worse they may have left this earth. When something is forced upon, something as big as living on ones own, it can be very damaging as well and I beat a lot more scary!

I had e - mailed some of my friends last night describing how I felt scared about living on my own and deciding things for myself and my best friend from high school e - mailed me back in about two hours! Celia, my friend, said that I will get used to living on my own. I really hope that's true because I really do like living on my own and having freedom! It's just sometimes I wonder, "When is this going to be over so I can go back and live with my parents?" And I can't think like that because one day this world will live me without any parents and the only way to join them would be in heaven. However, my friend, Celia, saying I will get used it means it's not just a mental health issue. Celia is perfectly healthy and she said it took an adjustment for her as well. My therapist said that it is a big step. So I think everyone feels this way when they decide to grow up and be responsible for themselves! I know some people don't get to decide and I feel bad for those people and thank God that I am not one of them. So just pray for me as I adjust! Love you all my blogging buddies.

New me

New me
by Amanda Robin

New me,
New year,
New hair,
New living space,
New friends,
New bed,
New zip,
New mode of transportation,
New life!

I am still me?
Same heart,
Same head,
Same soul.

Becoming a Strong, Caring, Indepedent, Christian Woman

Well everyone, I was supposed to move into my new apartment today. I was waiting all day yesterday and this morning because the apartment director said she needed a paper signed by a doctor at the clinic I go to. Well, several of my friends said I should page the doctor, it was defiantly an emergency. When the apartment director called today in the morning and said I couldn’t move in that she would call me when she got the paper, I thought let her handle it. However, later I thought about what my friends said. I didn’t page the doctor because they are so absent minded. I called my therapist so she could get to the bottom of it. My therapist did and said the paper will be at the apartment program by tomorrow. Now everyone pray that the apartment director will call me tomorrow and say I can move in Friday. I know I waited four years to get out of my parents house I can wait a little more.

Now the topic: becoming a strong, caring, independent, Christian woman. That is my New Year’s resolution for as long as take. It may take a life time. I didn’t expect Jesus to test me on my strength so soon. I heard it once said be careful what you pray for because if you pray for something like being strong, God will give you situation in which to be strong. Well, my Mom was getting on me all day that she doesn’t have enough money and I should ask the apartment counselor if my parents can have some of my social security money because I will be here at least a week.

Now what happened is I got my social security on the thirtieth of December and I was going to save it to pay my program fees for the apartment program I am moving into. However, my parents didn’t figure on the rent they weren’t going to get this month because I wouldn’t be here. I said they can borrow the money and I would pay my apartment program fees this Friday. Well, they went through it like water and racked up over two hundred dollars in what they owe me. Now they are saying they can’t pay me back and that they should get more money. I probably picked the wrong time, but I told them I have to pay my credit card bill and I didn’t know how I was going to it while we were in the grocery store. And it became a big fight. It ended up with them leaving me there and coming back to pick me up later. It was so lonely at the grocery by myself I felt alone. I should never feel alone. God is always with me. I guess I just need another human to care and understand.

Well, my parents said they are going to pay me back and I said that if they don’t charge me program fees for this first week, I am going to keep it because along with the credit card bill, I have other stuff that I need. I haven’t bought anything for myself since my December first social security check (I usually get my social security check on the first of every month, but this month December thirty – first and January first were holidays so they gave it to me early). Am I selfish?

I really missed the blogging world. I was just so busy with Christmas and then I had a sinus infection. I promise to try to stay on top of my blogging. Right now I just feel so alone. I need some love. Pray that God will send someone into my life to share it with. I need a companion. Someone to understand, a soul mate or a least a kindred spirit. I need some love from my blogging buddies.