While here I am on my own, now what?

Hello my blog buddies. I now live in my own apartment. It is an apartment program for people living with a mental illness. I have a lot of freedom, though, because I am at "higher level." One more step and I be at the "highest level" with the least amount of supervision. So now I wonder what now? I mean I moved in Friday, January seventh, and everything was new and exciting. I just loved it. Now I am sitting here wondering, "How in the heck do I go about being responsible for myself." It is true that because I am in the apartment program, I have an apartment counselor in which is responsible for counting my meds once a week (to make sure I am taking them), for making sure I clean my apartment, and I have to clear all overnights with her (so they know I am in the apartment more than I am out). Also I am assigned a roommate. My roommate, Karen, is the best roommate I have ever had so far! I am even taking her to my birthday dinner with my family this weekend. However, the really important decision like getting enough sleep, should I go walking in the snow, should I go to my scheduled group, etc. are left up to me.

Now I am going to be thirty - one on Friday, but I just never not had someone to ask if I should go back to bed or go do my activities that need to be done. I never had it where nobody was there to make sure I ate or make sure I didn't eat too much. I always had someone to drive me around. You think when I lived on campus in my early twenties I would have had this experience, but my roommate in college was a very dominate woman who looked over me like a hawk and my co - dependent mind would allow her to do. I mean the roommate I have now likes to know what time I am going to be home, but the rest is up to me!

I think I am always scared when I realize I am growing up. I mean because that's what I am doing. At some point in everyone's life, they have to learn to take care of themselves. I know some really unfortunate people that had to learn that way to early and other people that never learned too. First, I feel blessed that my family had it together enough to watch out for me. Second, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to try become independent while I am still young. I may have been a lot more messed up than I was if the first happened. And second, my parents would have me live with them forever so I thank God for the courage to step up and say this is something I want to do! I mean if I waited another ten years my parents may not have all their facilities because they would be in their seventies or worse they may have left this earth. When something is forced upon, something as big as living on ones own, it can be very damaging as well and I beat a lot more scary!

I had e - mailed some of my friends last night describing how I felt scared about living on my own and deciding things for myself and my best friend from high school e - mailed me back in about two hours! Celia, my friend, said that I will get used to living on my own. I really hope that's true because I really do like living on my own and having freedom! It's just sometimes I wonder, "When is this going to be over so I can go back and live with my parents?" And I can't think like that because one day this world will live me without any parents and the only way to join them would be in heaven. However, my friend, Celia, saying I will get used it means it's not just a mental health issue. Celia is perfectly healthy and she said it took an adjustment for her as well. My therapist said that it is a big step. So I think everyone feels this way when they decide to grow up and be responsible for themselves! I know some people don't get to decide and I feel bad for those people and thank God that I am not one of them. So just pray for me as I adjust! Love you all my blogging buddies.