"The past can not hold me. I am free to live in the present with joy and gratitude.

My goodness I been gone an awfully long time. I hope you all still want to read what Lady Amanda has to say! I been physically sick for a while and then mentally sick. No hospital stays, though. And during Lent I was saying a lot of prayers. I hope to getting back to updating this weekly.

Well, the past can not hold me. I am free to live in the present with joy and gratitude. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. However, with ever friendship I have or relationship, I keeping thinking about the past. The worst is my roommate’s friends moved in next door! It really shouldn’t be a big deal, but one of my roommate’s friends (now living next door to us) is my old roommate. Or as I like to call her, my roommate from hell! I was worried she would be over here all the time and I would feel uncomfortable, but she hardly comes over here at all! I feel bad for Karen (my roommate now). Karen says Amber (my roommate from hell) doesn’t come over because she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. Well, I remember having boyfriends and I still my time for my gal pals! Five minutes just to drop by would be kosher.

Now the problem over my head, since we move in January, Karen and I have been watching two and half men ever night (Monday through Friday) at six. All the sudden she doesn’t want to watch two and a half men. She told me that she’s nervous trying to get home at the time. But you know what she does? Most of the time she’s here! It’s just weird. I keep thinking in head back to when I was in college and my roommate in college found another friend. They would do everything together and leave me out. Now I have no contact with my roommate from college. Now that’s really kind of unfair to compare Karen with my roommate from college. My roommate from college even said to me on the phone before we even met, “Is it cool with you if we hang out because I don’t know anybody else. At least until we make other friends?” Now Karen already had friends when I become her roommate so she never hung out with me just because there was no else. Also many of our mutual friends that I had with my roommate from college said that she couldn’t handle my mental illness. Karen has a major mental illness like me. So when she says about being nervous it could really be true. I wouldn’t want her to have a panic attack or something just to watch a show with me. Also I think she’s a little down because Amber doesn’t come over.

Also I question my best friend Chrissy. I worry all the time when she is going to get tired of me. And I worry that I can’t be friends a guy. My therapist wants me to work on making guy friends. You see, I told you all I was bisexual, but I compartmentalize the two sexes. Men are for physical love and woman are for emotional love, in my head anyway! So my therapist wants me to just have guy friends and realize guys can be emotional too. It’s kind of scary to me. I want to be friends with this guy in my group therapy. However, I feel like if I ask him for his phone number, he will think I am asking him out.

I don’t know if we ever really escape our past. But we must make the wounds turn into scars. Wounds hurt like hell when you touch them! Scars are just a reminder to be careful!

Ask and it shall be given on to you!

Jesus always said, “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” I never fully understood this. I would just pray to Jesus and say this, this, and this is what I want. Looking back now this seems really stupid! I mean God is God, you don’t demand things. Of course Peter says, “When I was a child, I thought as a child.” So Jesus answered anyway. However, I read this wonderful commentary by Father Rohr. If you wish to receive his daily commentaries in your e – mail box, let me know and I will post his website.

Anyway, Father Rohr said you have to ASK Jesus. He used the example of St. Francis of Assisi (which by way I took his name for my confirmation) that he would go out and pray, “God who I am?” and “God who are you?” That set off a light bulb in my head! Ever since my Mom told me that she prayed for a guy to truly love her and then three years later married my Dad, I prayed with a laundry list of things I wanted in my perfect partner! I think it grew each year. How stupid. God doesn’t need to be told who my perfect mate would be! He is the Alpha and Omega, He doesn’t need me to tell Him what I need in a guy. So I changed my prayer to “God tell me who the perfect guy for me will be and bring him into my life when you feel is right. Guide me Jesus in this journey.”

It’s weird because I have been having dreams for a like a week now almost every night about having a boyfriend. The way the guy looks is not really important in the dream and I know it’s not important to me. My first love, Trevor, taught me that. Even when I was in love with Trevor, I will admit he wasn’t the best looking, but he was the best boyfriend I have ever had so far. Anyway, I am going off on tangent. I dream of qualities that I would like in a guy. I don’t necessarily believe that dreams are messages from God. I however, think He uses our subconscious to speak to us because our subconscious is our soul and our soul is the temple of the Holy Spirit. So this is what I came with so far God doesn’t want me to settle. Which is probably a good thing for a thirty – one year old virgin, don’t want to waste it on someone who isn’t going to appreciate it. Also I think God wants me to find someone funny, sweet, understanding, caring, a good listener, and protective. It’s just fun having the dreams.

You know what my roommate says? She says everyone has someone out there for them; it’s just a matter of when you find them! I think that is so profound. I don’t know if there is someone out there for me honestly, but I have learned I am not going to demand my God anymore. My ultimate love will always be my God and I wouldn’t want to ruin that. I don’t know what Heaven like, but I have caught glimpse of it here on earth. And to me, if Heaven is only a fraction of those glimpses I would be happy.

A birthday poem

Hello my avid reader. Next Sunday is my roommate's birthday and I wrote her this poem. Tell me what you think!

My roommate
By Amanda Robin

My roommate showed just how big
Her heart is when I first
Moved in.
She gave me the bigger
Of the two bedrooms
And the deeper dresser.

My roommate showed just how caring
In her soul she is
When she worried
All night
Because I didn’t tell
Her that I was not coming home
Until eleven – thirty at night.

My roommate showed just how friendly
Her personality is
When she made me feel
Welcome talking with her guest
In our cozy living room.

My roommate showed just how forgiving
Her spirit is
When she didn’t mind if
I drank her milk or ruined
Her pretty towel.

My roommate showed just how special
she has become
because she is now
My friend.

I hope I am not just ranting

Well, I know I haven’t updated my blog recently. A lot of good things happened in my life. Karen and I are becoming good friends, must of the time we watch “Two and Half Men” together and then talk. I had a little difficulty with getting clearance from Health Service of the Hospital that I am going to volunteer with. Nothing about my mental illness, I was honest with everyone at the Hospital that I have a mental illness and that I am very stable. It had to do with my MMR vaccine. That’s all straightened now and I am going to Orientation for my volunteer position this Monday. And I am just connecting with a lot of people.

Anyway, something happened today. I want to share it all with you. I hope this doesn’t come out as a rant. If I babble on you don’t have to read it. My best friend picked me up today to go to her house and have pizza and watch her DVD collection of the “O.C.” It was snowing, but wasn’t too bad. Chrissy was still a little scared so she asked if my parents could pick me up from her house and take me to my apartment when it was time for me to go. Well, my Mom was a little upset, but she said my Dad would do it. Then my Mom called and she told me the weather was really bad and I should call my apartment program and tell them I am sleeping over at Chrissy. Well, first off it isn’t past my thirty days when I am allowed to have someone sleep over my house or me to sleep somewhere other than my apartment. Second, I am supposed to tell my primary apartment counselor two – four hours in advanced if I am going to sleep over somewhere. Third, my Dad didn’t think it was that bad outside. And Fourth, I didn’t feel it was that bad outside. I am sure if it really was that bad outside my apartment program would let me sleep over at my friend Chrissy house and I would have no problem asking them.

So anyway, my Dad said that he would pick me up. After he left, my Mom called Chrissy's house and was yelling and screaming at me. She said how I do expect a sixty year old man to drive in this weather. My Mom told me that if anything happened to my Dad it was all on me. Then she brought up an incident that happened when I was a freshman in college home on break and was starting to get sick. It's like nothing is ever forgiven with my Mom. My Mom rattled me up so much and I didn’t want to upset Chrissy so I just listened until she hung up.

When I was in the car with my Dad, I lost it. I was just crying and crying. My Dad was so nice. He kept reassuring me that it was alright. That the roads weren’t that bad and that my Dad is responsible for himself. My Dad told me that if he got out on the road and thought it wasn’t safe, he would have called me and told me that he couldn’t pick me up.

I just feel like everyone in the whole world knows that I am a good and decent person except my Mom. When she yells at me like that I feel like I am this evil person that only thinks of herself. I mean it is true that I didn’t want to sleep over at Chrissy and I didn’t want to face the apartment program’s question about why I wanted to sleep over. However, honestly if I thought something terrible would happen to my Dad, I would have slept over at Chrissy. I just feel so low right now!

While here I am on my own, now what?

Hello my blog buddies. I now live in my own apartment. It is an apartment program for people living with a mental illness. I have a lot of freedom, though, because I am at "higher level." One more step and I be at the "highest level" with the least amount of supervision. So now I wonder what now? I mean I moved in Friday, January seventh, and everything was new and exciting. I just loved it. Now I am sitting here wondering, "How in the heck do I go about being responsible for myself." It is true that because I am in the apartment program, I have an apartment counselor in which is responsible for counting my meds once a week (to make sure I am taking them), for making sure I clean my apartment, and I have to clear all overnights with her (so they know I am in the apartment more than I am out). Also I am assigned a roommate. My roommate, Karen, is the best roommate I have ever had so far! I am even taking her to my birthday dinner with my family this weekend. However, the really important decision like getting enough sleep, should I go walking in the snow, should I go to my scheduled group, etc. are left up to me.

Now I am going to be thirty - one on Friday, but I just never not had someone to ask if I should go back to bed or go do my activities that need to be done. I never had it where nobody was there to make sure I ate or make sure I didn't eat too much. I always had someone to drive me around. You think when I lived on campus in my early twenties I would have had this experience, but my roommate in college was a very dominate woman who looked over me like a hawk and my co - dependent mind would allow her to do. I mean the roommate I have now likes to know what time I am going to be home, but the rest is up to me!

I think I am always scared when I realize I am growing up. I mean because that's what I am doing. At some point in everyone's life, they have to learn to take care of themselves. I know some really unfortunate people that had to learn that way to early and other people that never learned too. First, I feel blessed that my family had it together enough to watch out for me. Second, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to try become independent while I am still young. I may have been a lot more messed up than I was if the first happened. And second, my parents would have me live with them forever so I thank God for the courage to step up and say this is something I want to do! I mean if I waited another ten years my parents may not have all their facilities because they would be in their seventies or worse they may have left this earth. When something is forced upon, something as big as living on ones own, it can be very damaging as well and I beat a lot more scary!

I had e - mailed some of my friends last night describing how I felt scared about living on my own and deciding things for myself and my best friend from high school e - mailed me back in about two hours! Celia, my friend, said that I will get used to living on my own. I really hope that's true because I really do like living on my own and having freedom! It's just sometimes I wonder, "When is this going to be over so I can go back and live with my parents?" And I can't think like that because one day this world will live me without any parents and the only way to join them would be in heaven. However, my friend, Celia, saying I will get used it means it's not just a mental health issue. Celia is perfectly healthy and she said it took an adjustment for her as well. My therapist said that it is a big step. So I think everyone feels this way when they decide to grow up and be responsible for themselves! I know some people don't get to decide and I feel bad for those people and thank God that I am not one of them. So just pray for me as I adjust! Love you all my blogging buddies.

New me

New me
by Amanda Robin

New me,
New year,
New hair,
New living space,
New friends,
New bed,
New zip,
New mode of transportation,
New life!

I am still me?
Same heart,
Same head,
Same soul.

Becoming a Strong, Caring, Indepedent, Christian Woman

Well everyone, I was supposed to move into my new apartment today. I was waiting all day yesterday and this morning because the apartment director said she needed a paper signed by a doctor at the clinic I go to. Well, several of my friends said I should page the doctor, it was defiantly an emergency. When the apartment director called today in the morning and said I couldn’t move in that she would call me when she got the paper, I thought let her handle it. However, later I thought about what my friends said. I didn’t page the doctor because they are so absent minded. I called my therapist so she could get to the bottom of it. My therapist did and said the paper will be at the apartment program by tomorrow. Now everyone pray that the apartment director will call me tomorrow and say I can move in Friday. I know I waited four years to get out of my parents house I can wait a little more.

Now the topic: becoming a strong, caring, independent, Christian woman. That is my New Year’s resolution for as long as take. It may take a life time. I didn’t expect Jesus to test me on my strength so soon. I heard it once said be careful what you pray for because if you pray for something like being strong, God will give you situation in which to be strong. Well, my Mom was getting on me all day that she doesn’t have enough money and I should ask the apartment counselor if my parents can have some of my social security money because I will be here at least a week.

Now what happened is I got my social security on the thirtieth of December and I was going to save it to pay my program fees for the apartment program I am moving into. However, my parents didn’t figure on the rent they weren’t going to get this month because I wouldn’t be here. I said they can borrow the money and I would pay my apartment program fees this Friday. Well, they went through it like water and racked up over two hundred dollars in what they owe me. Now they are saying they can’t pay me back and that they should get more money. I probably picked the wrong time, but I told them I have to pay my credit card bill and I didn’t know how I was going to it while we were in the grocery store. And it became a big fight. It ended up with them leaving me there and coming back to pick me up later. It was so lonely at the grocery by myself I felt alone. I should never feel alone. God is always with me. I guess I just need another human to care and understand.

Well, my parents said they are going to pay me back and I said that if they don’t charge me program fees for this first week, I am going to keep it because along with the credit card bill, I have other stuff that I need. I haven’t bought anything for myself since my December first social security check (I usually get my social security check on the first of every month, but this month December thirty – first and January first were holidays so they gave it to me early). Am I selfish?

I really missed the blogging world. I was just so busy with Christmas and then I had a sinus infection. I promise to try to stay on top of my blogging. Right now I just feel so alone. I need some love. Pray that God will send someone into my life to share it with. I need a companion. Someone to understand, a soul mate or a least a kindred spirit. I need some love from my blogging buddies.